PARALYZED, BRAIN DAMAGED STAR THINKS TODAY’S PLAYERS ARE WUSSES

Paralyzed, brain damaged former NFL star Byron Jones thinks today’s players are wusses.  After hearing about Sidney Crosby‘s continued absence from the Pneguins lineup, Twins first baseman Justin Morneau still suffering from concussion symptoms nearly two years after the event and the NFL eliminating two-a-day practices in accordance with the new collective bargaining agreement, Jones thinks sports have gone soft. “Nom nom men hit nommynom,” mumbled and slurred Jones through his feeding tube. “In our day we… I think… WHO ARE YOU?”

Multiple analysts agree: “players are not tough like they used to be,” said 180 pound 50 year old Skip Bayless.  “Players should never think about their future, their lives.  How can they keep their head in the game when they are worried about ‘life after the game?’  Bradshaw never worried about what a mockery and laughingstock he’d be years after his playing days.”

Indeed.

Thank goodness for guys like Byron Jones.  And thank goodness back in the day medical professionals did not know better than to stand in his glory seeking ways, agents and managers did not remind him of his next contract when they knew Dallas was coming up this week, and coaches and fellow players knew real injuries mean you could not walk.

Thanks to the former players, the greats, the legends who are willing to speak up about players not being as tough as they used to be.  It is always good to know that when some player beats a hallowed record, it is because the entire league is not as good as it once was, so said record is not nearly as impressive.

And thanks to the fans, analysts and armchair quarterbacks of the world for knowing exactly what they would do if they were in that situation.  Without their insight and ability to fairly judge their own actions in situations they may never be in, we would never be able to find out who is a quitter, a faker, a wuss, a complainer and a goat.  If we can learn one thing from Byron Jones’ nomming, it is nothing ever bad happens to heroes running full speed, head first into 250 behemoths for our entertainment.

If it did then Skip Bayless would just be talking nonsense.

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625,790 PEOPLE SWEAR THEY’LL MURDER SKIP BAYLESS IN 2012

Hundreds of thousands of Americans claim their New Year’s Resolution is to find and murder ESPN commentator Skip Bayless.  These people are forced to listen to Bayless’ controversial opinions, rants and tweets.  Bayless consistently accuses LeBron James of being overrated, Tim Tebow is the second coming and wrote Troy Aikman was gay.  Apparently, 625,790 people have had enough.

This breaks the previous record of resolution-homicide held by Osama Bin Ladin, Bernie Madoff and that waitress who you could’ve sworn was flirting with you but turns out she has a boyfriend, some guy named Eric who’s in law school on scholarship, probably cheating on her all the time because he just looks like the kinda guy who’d do that…

We hope all the people reach this year’s resolution.  Or at least one of you does.

Charles Barkely is already looking like the front runner.