Olympic Sprinter Tests Positive for SPANX

World record holder in the 100 and 200 meter dash and reigning “fastest man alive” Usain Bolt tested positive for the popular women’s undergarment accessory favored by single women, new mothers, and female screenwriters. His participation in this year’s Olympic games are now in doubt.

“Spanx’s dynamic combination of seventy percent nylon and thirty percent lycra means that Usain is more aerodynamic than anyone else on the track,” said U.S. track and field men’s coach Andrew Valmon. “This certainly calls into question his legacy and presents the athletic community with yet another performance enhancing obstacle.”

The Olympic racing community hasn’t been this rattled since sprinter Marion Jones was found to have used steroids to help catapult her to the top of the track and field world. Jones had multiple Olympic medals taken away, and spent six months in prison as a result.

U.S. hurdler and fellow London Olympian Lori “Lolo” Jones, weighed in saying, “I thought about asking Usain out after the Games. Just something casual outside the Olympic Village where we could really get to know one another. But now that I know his body’s a lie…honestly, the appeal’s kinda gone now.”

Bolt’s PR firm had no comment, except this photo:

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ROID RAGE

Suspected steroid users are to be thrown off cliffs starting in 2012 according to a new rule in the MLB collective bargaining agreement. “We’ve had it up to here with performance enhancing drugs,” says commissioner Bud Selig. “Time to end the witchhunt and get some cold, hard answers.”

"Death to the liars!"

Players suspected of drug use by members of the media will be forced off a cliff into a river with an anchor tied to their feet. If said player flies away or hits more than 28 home runs, he used steroids. If not? “Then our hands are clean,” says Selig.

Players can be suspected if members of the media use the terms: “I’m not saying, I’m just saying” or “In the post-steroid era, what can we believe?”

Players will be given the option of Seppuku once suspected as a way to go with honor.

– Mike Sweeney