SPORTS-NUT UNCLES TO DRINK UNTIL MARCH MADNESS

The biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, is over leaving many sports fanatics with no recourse but to drink incessantly until college basketball’s March Madness begins.  Following the big game and media event the only available sports are the NBA and NHL stretch runs, which in no solid terms, fucking suck.

"Listen to me now....!"

“I’m not even a Giants or Pats fan,” said Browns season ticket holder Marty Servick.  “But the Super Bowl is the best day of the year, and this year it was an amazing game!  Now what am I going to do?  Watch LeBron James play two and half quarters against the Hornets?  Let’s bet on whether or not the Phoenix Coyotes fold mid game or Ovechkin acts like a doushebag.*  No thanks.”  Marty says the only solution is to sit in a recliner and drink alcohol, preferably something with a “LITE” in it, until the “Tourny” begins.

*No bet.  But it’d be Ovechkin.  

Many fans made pacts to huddle in the same living rooms while eating anything fried or underneath melted cheese.  “The calendar works as follows,” proclaimed cheese-head leader Craig Boyle:

“New Year’s Day.  Preparation for da Super Bowl.  Da Super Bowl.  Boozernation.  Dat’s hibernation and booze in da same word.  Den Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, which is great.*  Den March Madness where we all root for our alma mader or anyone dat’s not Kentucky or Duke.  Den baskebtall playoffs and hockey playoffs month 1 begins.  Month 2.  Den da Finals o’ both.  Den baseball… so it’s like boozernation only mostly outside.  Den training camp.  Den pre-season.  Den football.”

*Everyone nods in agreement.  

Year well spent.

The cheering after Boyle’s speech lasted for a few seconds as each man fell asleep in his recliner with cheese hanging from his mouth.

In some religions this is heaven, in others it is Uncle Bert's house

PUPPY BOWL CONTROVERSY

The 2012 Puppy Bowl might forever be remembered for the late game heroics by Mr. Scuffers and yet another heartbreaking playoff failure by Dunston (is he a Hall of Famer or not!?) but controversy will not be far behind.

He's sad because his post-playing career benefits cannot cover all his medical bills. And because you don't wuv him.

The Puppy Bowl could face a lockout going into next season as the Players’ Association demands better treatment from the owners.  Many former players are bankrupt within 10 dog years of retiring, concussions have increased severely throughout the past two seasons with doctors seemingly forcing the puppies to play and the divorce rate among puppies is gets exponentially higher post-playing career (which last between 1-3 games as is!).

Once again the owners have it wrong: there can be no puppy bowl without cute, adorable puppies.  Just because they have opened academies in Latin America and Japan does not mean the same kind of talent is there for cheaper. Numerous puppies from the Dominican are changing their names and ages in order to seem more attractive in the draft.

But the owners do not see it that way: they see the players as borderline worthless commodities they can uselessly trade and neuter their market value (and their testicles).

The dark side of being in The Show

Finally the players are ready to take an adorable stand.  No more Mr. Nice Mr. Freckles, time for Mr. I Just Woke Up And Am Annoyed But Still Nice Mr. Freckles.

But seriously, they take their nuts we have to do something about this, Roger Goodell and David Stern are getting ideas.

MADONNA DIES FOR WORLD PEACE

Not sure who this guy was in Star Wars but he is awesome

Madonna stunned the audience at Super Bowl XLVI yesterday by sacrificing herself for world peace.  The 53 year old pop star ended her actually pretty cool performance by standing over a pit of carbonite freezing, a la legendary Alliance General Hon Solo.

The Material Girl reminded everyone before the game they could text in their votes for her to be killed like Boba Fett in the Sarlac pit, Hon Solo in the experimental carbonite freeze or just have a fat, belly-exposed Carrie Fisher strangle her with a chain.  America chose the conservative route and went with a simple freezing,

The Solo homage was rather controversial, typical Madonna.  Solo is seen by many conservative Americans as an outlaw and repeatedly admonished for his years as an alleged smuggler.  His later years in the Rebel Alliance many propose he did to avoid prosecution.

In any case, looks like Madonna is not just cool, SHE’S ICE COLD!!

ACROSS THE POND I

In our first edition of Across The Pond, we bring you commentator Archie Walkenshire.  

Archie is a mutt of the UK consisting of English, Scottish and Welsh ancestry.  After attending numerous prestigious boarding schools, Archie has traveled the world exploring sports in unfamiliar terrain; never forgetting his trade-mark charm.  

CHEERS AMERICANS!  Now we all get to spend two pafetic weeks of your Homer Simpson-ing about as we wait for the SUPERBOWL!  Dats right, anova fucking American football game.  Not only did we avtasit frough an entire week of university games, all coined the AMERICA BUD LITE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN BOWL!  Now weavta sit frough the SUPERBOWL!!

Typically obnoxious, loud, and excessive like all fings American. It’s not just a game.  ELL NO WHY WOULD IT BE?!?! It’s a media event.  Most of you are sitting watching the adverts to see which Michael Bay film you wanna spend 35 quid on during the summer while eating chili dogs and bacon steaks.  Some of you are just there because THERE’S NUFFING ELSE ON TELLY THE WHOLE DAY!!

But most of you are there to watch a game dat ‘as 11 minutes of actual sport.  11 MINUTES!!  Dats enuff time to get wankered on Guffton Brew, sing the Liverpool and Manchester United fight songs,  AND THEN HAVE A FIGHT BETWEEN BOTH SIDES OF FANS!!!

I unnerstand.  You gents need your day.  Your entire game.  But why go on and tuffle the whole hedge?  GUY RITCHIE’S OLD EX IS DA BLOODY ALFTIME SHOW! Madonna?  MADGE?  That old poncing trout couldn’t get a Gallivan out of Hashireford! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

In most countries aging prostitutes prancing about is a sad thing

All because in 2004 American Monty Python cast member Justin Timberlake ripped open Michael Jackson’s tits on telly? AV YOU SEEN VIDEOS OF THE ROYAL WEDDING? THAT HAPPENED 12 BLOODY TIMES!!  Americans demand to be less controversial?  So you go out and hire every life-long rock and roll drug addict you could find?  When I fink safe and family friendly I fink Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Tom Petty and Madge.   Safe, family, heroin sniffing, bar brawling, orgy involved family fun.  SOUNDS LIKE YOUR OL’ PENNSYLVANIA STATE, EH!!?!?!

Oh don’t get in a tuss!  OUR ENTIRE COUNTRY WAS SYSTEMATICALLY PHONE TAPPED BY A NEWSPAPER OWNED BY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN THE WORLD!  America lost a football coach, England’s gone all 1984.  Again, we’ve beaten you at somefing.

And speaking of controversies, what’s wif all American tragedies adding “gate” to the end of it?  Whenever we av an uproarious fuckall happen, we call it FUCK THOSE FILTHY CUNTS AT _______ FOR GIVING US A ROYAL TUG OF THE WOCK!!!  No “gate.”

Bet she's a Scot

Enjoy your version of “football.”  I’ll make out like one of your Jews on Boxing Day (or as you call it, Christmas): I’ll make my way to the pub, have 30-40 drinks, eat some ethnic food and gleefully download illegal films because England will neva eva av anyfing as stupid as SOPA!

Why so bitter Archie?

We gave you Ricky Gervais, Harry Potter, guns and Kate Beckinsale.  You gave us NFL Europe and Whitney.

FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!!!