THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

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BANE, RAVENS HANDLE STEELERS

The new face guard now at Foot Locker!

The Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers participated in their twice-a-year grudge match to start the 2011 season, capped by a shocking move by the Ravens: Baltimore fielded newly signed linebacker / fullback Bane, the ultimate killing machine featured in 2012’s film The Dark Knight Rises. Coach Jim Harbaugh, a massive Christopher Nolan fan,* spent most of the summer checking spy photos from the blockbuster film’s location shoot in Pittsburgh. After seeing the villain in action, Harbaugh knew he had to sign him and send him against his former city-mates.

In the first quarter Bane seemed overmatched and unfamiliar with the Steelers’ blitz schemes. But from the second quarter on he proved he was merely testing his enemy by brutally breaking Hines Ward’s back and snapping Troy Polamalu’s legs. Bane made sure only to maim players in order to intimidate and not receive a penalty flag.

The move clearly paid of with a 34 – 7 win by the League of Shadows.

– Mike Sweeney

*From even before Batman Begins you posers!