ESPN ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR NEW, ALL TWITTER NETWORK

So what if they just replay the segments? What are you going to do, watch CNN?

The leader in sports entertainment announced plans this morning for a new addition to their family of networks.  “In an age where social media and user generated content is becoming more and more prevalent, we, the cable sports leader, have decided to expand our family of networks by adding an all new concept to television programming: #ESPN,” said ESPN president John Skipper this morning, “#ESPN will launch this fall and be dedicated to athlete and fan twitter input.  We like to think that by being pioneers, we can be the standard bearer’s for TV’s new ‘Modern Age’.”  Mr. Skipper would not give an exact date for the new launch or if any key personalities would move over to the brand.

“I think the new direction makes a lot of sense for the organization; this is the news that people want,” said Hannah Storm, ESPN’s Sportscenter Anchor and part-time cool Mom who lets their high school kids drink in the basement, “I mean, most of the time, we just read athletes twitter accounts anyways and make news stories out of that, even if it is completely baseless and gossipy. If we dedicate an entire network to it, it wouldn’t look as if we were just filling time during the live Sportscenter.”

Costas Rules!

Social media was mixed on the new ESPN direction.  Miami Heat’s Lebron James tweeted, “#ESPN this Fall?!  Can’t Wait!  Hopefully I’ll get some air time now! #fingerscrossed”.  @nbcsportsnetwork chimed in to the discussion,”@ESPN getting new network in the fall.  Good Luck! #sarcasm #gosuckaneggberman“.  Later it added, “@ESPN what is new your network going to be called?  ESPNGAY? #burn #costasrules!”.  NBC later said that their account was hacked and Bob Costas was not involved.  An unknown twitter feed, @notmarkzuckerberg, added, “Why would @ESPN use Twitter?  Twitter sucks; facebook is so much cooler! Can’t get enough of timeline! #facebookstillcool #twitterblows”.

Despite the negative reactions, #ESPN is already getting set for their launch this fall.  Below is a list of 5 new shows that will premiere on the newtwork.

  • Twitter Feed: #ESPN’s flagship program will be their twitter feed.  They will follow every athlete in the 4 major sports as well as sports personalities.  “The hope is that not only breaking news will be revealed on this feed, but also comments that can be deemed as racially insensitive and in poor taste.  This would be a great driver for ratings.”
  • Twitter War: Two analysts, athletes, or celebrities will talk sports and verbally fight each other via their Twitter accounts.  “Imagine PTI only instead of talking, they have their iPads or laptops in front of them and the entire discussion is done via twitter.  The tension!”
  • F$%king Skip Bayless!: Skip Bayless spouts off useless commentary and off-the-wall predictions while people can write in how much they hate him and wish he was dead.  “This one speaks for itself; a no-brainer really.  We may also have a spin-off for Merril Hoge and Scoop Jackson.”
  • NFL Lecture Hour: Mark Schlereth and Tedy Bruschi read NFL players’ twitter accounts and lecture them on what would have happened if they tried to pull that stunt when they played for their respected superbowl teams.  “It just seems natural; they do it every day anyways.”
  • #Punk’d!: Based off the hit MTV show in which unknown twitter followers will try to piss off an athlete via twitter.  “We’re hoping to get Ashton Kutcher to be the host.  It will be hard to juggle the new show with his #1 comedy that no one watches.”
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ATHLETE’S SHOCKING TWITTER ACCOUNT

I'm sorry yo must have me confused for the cast of Downton Abbey

Arizona Cardinals Pro Bowl wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald’s shocking, offensive twitter account has come under the ire of the NFL.  Fitzgerald frequently tweets shocking truths about his goals, passions, dreams and uplifting song lyrics he finds inspirational.  Furthermore, he consistently shares shocking pictures; one featuring the receiver smiling in the park, is of particular note.

“We have spoken with representatives of Mr. Fitzgerald and the Cardinals,” said league commissioner and allfather Roger Goodell.  “Parading pictures of happiness and good behavior are not what the NFL is about.”

Some of the shocking messages include:

TODAY IS BETTER THAN YESTERDAY

PUT YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS IN THE SAME CAR, NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE THEM WITH YOU

GOOD MORNING MY FRIENDS!

Goodell is considering suspending the receiver but Fitzgerald defiantly will not shut down the account.  He responded to the controversy with:

LET’S ALL HAVE THE BEST DAY WE CAN.

F***ing monster.

PENN STATE BOARD FIRES JOE PA AFTER REVIEWING FACEBOOK

Joe Paterno

Legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired yesterday amid the current Penn State scandal. The board of trustees claim their decision came after several hours of surfing twitter and facebook. “We wanted to know what the young people were thinking,” said board member Alan Tudusky. “Who better to represent our society than a bunch of college kids who don’t vote, drink on Thursdays and can clearly express their opinions in 140 characters or less.”

They used a comprehensive system of tallying posts or tweets supporting Paterno, calling for him to be fired and merely expressing awe at the situation. In the end, America decided Father Joe’s fate.

The most popular tweets / posts:

1. Wow man, seriously, like this whole Penn State is crazy. Football is one thing but right and wrong is another, Paterno has to go

2. Mind blown! Paterno has to go becuz kids are so important and small

3. Joe Pa didn’t rape any kids! If he did not do that he is innocent!

4. Even though I’m 40 I have never met Joe Pa but I feel his effect every day, which is why I never stop applying to Penn State 

5. Retweet if you’re PROUD OF NICKELBACK!

6. If Paterno is fired I’m going to semi-riot roflmao #somad

“We will be holding a toll free text-a-thon to see if Mike McQueary will be voted off or remain for the final round! Stay tuned!” The board stressed they are not making light of the situation but hope to be renewed for a second season on FOX.

Joe Pa will replace Piers Morgan on America’s Got Talent starting next week.

– Mike Sweeney