TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

  • According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

  • And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

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SEAN AVERY RUNNING OUT OF COUNTRIES

Controversial hockey star Sean Avery is back yet again with the New York Rangers. After being waved by the Rangers only a few weeks ago, Avery searched for opportunities to play in Europe, Russia and Canada, but to no avail. “No one would let him play,” said the detracting NHLer’s agent Maury Gomes, “Canada wouldn’t even let him in the country.” Avery traveled to Russia* merely to live and start anew, but the country said absolutely not.

It's like Wayne Gretzky combined with J-Wow

Avery has a shocking reputation for antagonizing opponents, being a penalty magnet, fighting on and off the ice, pulling stunts such as interning for a fashion magazine, calling other players girlfriends “sloppy seconds,” being very rude in interviews, trying so hard to be seen, having that aura of doushey-ness, you know? Like those guys at bars who immediately cut you off when you’re talking to a girl. She’s obviously into you and you both feel it and then he throws his arm over her and drags her to the dance floor. Then he won’t leave her alone and waits outside the bathroom for her. Seriously? Come on.

The Rangers signed the penalty hawk out of pressure from fans. “Where else is he gonna go?” asked Susan Falchi, a local banker and Rangers fan. “He’s like your crack addict cousin. You don’t kick him to the curb. You offer him the basement so long as he chips in for rent.” The Rangers sure hope their newly signed crack addict can chip in.

Related: Avery’s polarizing website.

– Mike Sweeney

*Avery assumed randomly fighting without hockey was allowed there.**

**It is.