NBA AMNESTIES CHARLOTTE BOBCATS FROM LEAGUE

BREAKING:  The NBA used its amnesty clause on the Charlotte Bobcats early this morning in a shocking move.  The amnesty clause states the league can drop one team while paying its salary without having that payment b counted under the new salary cap.  While shocked by the timing, many analysts see this as a wise move.

"We could all be Juwanna Mann's if we believe it"

The Bobcats can sign with Turkey or, pending a good showing at training camp, the WNBA.  The Bobcats were definitely on thin ice this season and looked like an amnesty possibility, however, more expensive, useless franchises such as the Phoenix Suns and Toronto Raptors seemed like more logical candidates for release; however the league saw rebound potential in those  franchises.

Not the Bobcats.

“They were definitely a franchise that brought little value to our roster as we understood it,” said commissioner David Stern.  “We would like to thank the Bobcats for their service and wish them the best of luck.”   Other analysts were not as forgiving: “the Bobcats had to go.  They were a complete waste of roster space!”  “They are draining the entire league with their play.”  “Everything about them is horrible, with their fat gut, inability to hustle if team is sinking, slow, ineffective defense and that beard… I’m sorry you said Baron Davis correct?”

UPDATE: The Bobcats have signed with China.

WHY WOMEN ATHLETES ARE SO GODDAMN NICE

First Selfish Female Athlete in Recorded History Claps for Herself...or Maybe America

First selfish female athlete in recorded history claps* for herself...or maybe America

It all started in 1908, when the first, Super-Secret-Pinky-Swear women’s sports convention was held. Representatives from the original Seven Sisters established a charter stating that female collegiate athletes were required to “treat each other with dignity and respect,” and a whole lot of other bullshit that’s not conducive to sports.

(It was also here that the adorable idea of “role model” was first conceived. “Oh, as if we’re not enough!” raged a coalition of chambermaids, school marms, and hookers protesting outside the convention, as recorded by one of the attendees in her diary later that evening.)

Since then, athletic women the world-over have struggled to assert themselves as competitive, dominant, inventive masters of Sport.

Over the years, there have been a few female athletes with drive, ambition, and a giant pair of metaphorical balls fighting for the right to be appreciated on the playing field. Unfortunately at every turn, they’ve been met with disappointment, snubbed by their more gracious and womanly counterparts. “We really thought Sheryl [Swoopes] was going to be the one to break the glass ceiling. But she ended up being a real class act,” said the world’s most likable aggressive female athlete, during a post-game interview, and on her way to a diabetes awareness benefit dinner. “I guess it’s back to the drawing board,” she shrugged. “Can I get anybody anything before I leave? Everybody good? How are your kids doing?”

Not surprisingly, a recent study comparing the off-season lives of WNBA and NBA players found that female ballers tend to favor quiet domestic pursuits and catching up with girlfriends (the straight kinds), while men enjoy flashier honey-do lists.

(The study was so boring, we couldn’t be bothered to show even one of its many multi-colored pie charts.)

“Would it kill them to just do a little trash talking now and agin, or threaten to sue someone or like, get into a knife fight? Anything! I can’t sell this slop for much longer! Fuck, man. I’ve got two mortgages.”  Raged one of five female sports agents currently in existence, in the study’s concluding remarks.

Whether female athletes are able to break the kindness mold remains to be seen. With the Olympics right around the corner, and global rivalries becoming somewhat notable, perhaps 2012 will be the year of the angry female athlete. But probably there will just be a lot of hugging and handshaking, and good, clean fun.

*Actually brushing dirt off from a community garden she and her teammates planted during half-time of the Women’s World Cup final.

AMERICA OFFERS QATAR WNBA

After winning the Olympic bid and pursuing the 2014 start of the Tour de France and 2018 and 2022 World Cup, Qatar is on a roll. However, the United States agreed to ensure Qatar gets the 2022 World Cup if the Arab nation takes the WNBA as well. Qatar has given no response but has until late tomorrow to decide if it will risk having a dunkless, poorly attended league in order to receive the exciting, thrilling World Cup.

Qatar admitted that initially it had no desire to watch “sound fundamentals” but could not resist the idea of having even more events inside its boundaries.* Qatar allegedly inquired the availability of the Paraolympics and Great Outdoor Games.

Sound Fundamentals: Jab! Jab!

The United States has been actively dealing the WNBA since 2008 with little luck. In late 2010, Germany seemed like a logical destination until negotiations fell apart at the last minute.

*Furthering suspicion that Qatar is a hoarder. Rumor has it multiple countries are worried about Qatar’s recent hoarding and unexplainable mood swings.

– Mike Sweeney