First Selfish Female Athlete in Recorded History Claps for Herself...or Maybe America

First selfish female athlete in recorded history claps* for herself...or maybe America

It all started in 1908, when the first, Super-Secret-Pinky-Swear women’s sports convention was held. Representatives from the original Seven Sisters established a charter stating that female collegiate athletes were required to “treat each other with dignity and respect,” and a whole lot of other bullshit that’s not conducive to sports.

(It was also here that the adorable idea of “role model” was first conceived. “Oh, as if we’re not enough!” raged a coalition of chambermaids, school marms, and hookers protesting outside the convention, as recorded by one of the attendees in her diary later that evening.)

Since then, athletic women the world-over have struggled to assert themselves as competitive, dominant, inventive masters of Sport.

Over the years, there have been a few female athletes with drive, ambition, and a giant pair of metaphorical balls fighting for the right to be appreciated on the playing field. Unfortunately at every turn, they’ve been met with disappointment, snubbed by their more gracious and womanly counterparts. “We really thought Sheryl [Swoopes] was going to be the one to break the glass ceiling. But she ended up being a real class act,” said the world’s most likable aggressive female athlete, during a post-game interview, and on her way to a diabetes awareness benefit dinner. “I guess it’s back to the drawing board,” she shrugged. “Can I get anybody anything before I leave? Everybody good? How are your kids doing?”

Not surprisingly, a recent study comparing the off-season lives of WNBA and NBA players found that female ballers tend to favor quiet domestic pursuits and catching up with girlfriends (the straight kinds), while men enjoy flashier honey-do lists.

(The study was so boring, we couldn’t be bothered to show even one of its many multi-colored pie charts.)

“Would it kill them to just do a little trash talking now and agin, or threaten to sue someone or like, get into a knife fight? Anything! I can’t sell this slop for much longer! Fuck, man. I’ve got two mortgages.”  Raged one of five female sports agents currently in existence, in the study’s concluding remarks.

Whether female athletes are able to break the kindness mold remains to be seen. With the Olympics right around the corner, and global rivalries becoming somewhat notable, perhaps 2012 will be the year of the angry female athlete. But probably there will just be a lot of hugging and handshaking, and good, clean fun.

*Actually brushing dirt off from a community garden she and her teammates planted during half-time of the Women’s World Cup final.



After over a month of speculation, Americans are finally admitting the U.S. Women’s soccer team kinda blew it in the World Cup. On July 17th the US Women played a thrilling match against Japan losing 2-2 during penalty kicks. Most major media outlets politely congratulated Japan and acknowledged the US team’s heroic effort; but after more than a month, everyone pretty much thinks they dropped the soap.

Hope Solo Catches Her Dinner

“Sure second place is good, but they were up by a goal. Twice!” said Alan Gibbons, a bartender from Albany. Added Michaela Smith: “Three missed PK’s? Three! It’s like they didn’t wanna win!” Many Americans still admit Hope Solo was

"Last time I saw this awesome in men's soccer was..." "Never. The answer is never."

phenomenal, Alex Morgan was a revelation and Abby Wambach’s header was an all time great,; but it is still a tough pill to swallow. Americans have showered the team with love: they appeared on The Daily Show, multiple talk shows, and being hot in public… but three missed penalty kicks? It’s hard to miss one! THREE?!?!?!

“Second place is awesome, they all seem genuinely cool, and Japan really needed the win this year,” says Jocelyn Moore, “but if you lose the World Cup in a tie game, you friggin’ blew it.”

– Mike Sweeney