STUFF I KNOW WEEK 6
What a weekend! Hot diggity damn! I went through four salami and muensters on sourdough during that nail biting Cowboys-Patriots fourth quarter. And how about the G-Men against the Bills? Battle of New York left my fridge turkey-less! It takes a heck of a week to do that to the Dowd! And the Jets have not even played? Better do my Dowd-run early and grab some more Costco ham. But onto the importance:
TEBOW STARTS – THE GUNSLINGA GUNSLINGS
First let me get sing my praises to the Denver Broncos. Sure they had a bye week, but those slingeros baked up a mean chicken and mozz panini by settling on future star, current starter and all gunglinga TIM TEBOW. Tebow has more weapons than the Bible has psalms. He is an elite gunslinga; who cares if he only slings for 5 yard outs and drop asses to the running back!? IT GOT SLUNGED! I’m very excited for Week 7’s Broncos and elevating them automatically to my #1 Super Bowl contender and easily Week 6’s #1 team.*
Tebow makes any coach look like a genius. And if John Fox can turn Jake Delhomme into a SB quarterback, then he can turn Tebow into GUNSLINGA NUMBER 4! All time touchdown record. HERE. WE. COME.
*Ed Note: Rick left the Broncos off the power rankings list altogether. No explanation given.
COACHES I KNOW
Onto former coaches: THAT GUY JON GRUDEN! Good ol’ Grudes has seen it all: he’s been traded, won a Superbowl, kept coaching Tampa many years after said Superbowl, got chucked in the booth, and currently lives the dream getting paid to talk about football as he watches it.* Our rival ESPN does a lot of things wrong, but extending Gruden to a 5 year contract to keep him on their team and not a football team was an ingenius move.
Gruden gives you everything you want from a man: excitement, enthusiasm, football! He and Jaws are high school speech therapist’s dream team: smart, data driven analysis combined with the ability to throw away science for the good ol fashioned EM. FA. SIS. Got to love it. In the words of my friend Jaws, “Jon Gruden. Has what it takes. To talk about football. On the Monday Night. In the National Football League.”**
*And what a dream it is….
**Not sure why he ended the statement with In the National Football League. Come to think of it, he does it a lot. Last time we had dinner he ordered a “sambuka, straight. In the National Football League” and repeatedly had to “use the little boy’s room. Be right back. In the National Football League.”
The only downside is we cannot enjoy more Gruden-face on the sideline. His intense smirks remind of Bill Cowher, another hero we lost to the booth. Why are all the best coaches not coaching? It’s not as though the game eludes them? Coaches coach. So Gruden better leave MNF soon and get on the sideline. Who cares about the contract? He’s not that great an announcer anyhow.
Sean Payton is my personal hero. The Saints coach and sideline gunslinga took a massive hit yesterday, breaking his knee and tearing his MCL. What’d he do? COACH! What did I say above? Coaches. Coach. Football.*
*Ed Note: Rick said the first two words. Not the last.
Payton propped up on the bench and led his team wounded, battered and painkiller-less. He fought through it like a linebacker on 4th and 1. It was Ray Lewisish. Ray Lewish? It’s was Raylewish.*
*New Dowdname! Or Dowdjective! Dowdverb?
I had a similar experience when working as General Manager, President of Football Operations and VP of New Media for the New Mexico Pueblos. I spent one year, AN ENTIRE YEAR, working with a severe intestinal tract infection. Could I have quit? NO! Never an option for a football lifer. Football or die is what I say! I suffered through the injury because I hate hospitals, and had used all my sick time for personal endeavors that I cannot go into here. Let’s just say my personal time was not entirely personal, some of it was public, be it in the street, subway, cars, buses… dark times. Kind of like what Payton is going through now. He’s having surgery today. I had no such luck. I theorize the infection came from a bad salmon breakfast bagel I ate* but have never proven it true.
*I have since given up both food groups.
Jim Harbaugh did nothing wrong. He is a gentleman, a scholar and a competitor. He’s a perfect Rennaisciance man and if that means jumping up and down and slapping the opposing coach’s hand SO BE IT! I think. Maybe it’s okay. If they did not demand handshakes could this be avoided? I don’t know. Possibly.
All I know is this: JIM-GATE is not over. If the NFL does an investigation, and I think they should, this could get ugly. Who knows who else the Jim’s have fought? Do they always prance after wins? Is this bigger than we all think? MAYBE! I bet it is possible. Maybe it’s something we don’t want to look at. I remember working for the Pueblos and we had an employee with some things going on his personally and I said let’s not look, it could get ugly. But I left soon after that for a completely different reason and I assume they looked but maybe they didn’t. I wouldn’t know. GO PUEBLOS! GO NINERS!
Schwartz acted like a baby I think.If you want a fight: FIGHT. Don’t hide behind some guy who got in your way and prevented you from fighting. FIGHT LIKE A MAN!
STUFF I LEARNED
1. Its gross, man, in Washing-tan. Dowdrhyme! Grossman is done. Sure I love the Sex Rex with my Tex Mex* but if the Skins are SuperBowl contenders, and maybe they are, I’m not sure I think they are, then they need to get a new QB. Looks like Garrard is swooping into Oakland, and Tebow is unavailable now that he is starting, but I know one QB who’s available….** GUNSLINGA NUMERO FOURO! Brett Favre. Got to grab that guy before he gets into announcing! Or coaching! Know what they say? Players coach! I think!
*Solely done for Dowdrhyme purposes; the Dowd would never give up two delicious baguette-halves for a tortilla wrap. I find it… common.
**Ed Note: I encouraged Mr. Dowdman to discuss the possibilities of a Kyle Orton, or to a lesser extent, Brady Quinn, to the Redskins. Despite specifically mentioning Orton in his last column, Mr. Dowdman insisted he has no idea who Orton is. Quinn, on the other hand, is a “gunslinga!!”
2. Jason Campbell’s injury seriously hurts Oakland’s SB chances. Swooping up free agent David Garrard might help. Just look at how bad Jacksonville is without him. I think maybe they’d already be in the big dance if Garrard was there. That’s how good he slings his guns! He could win the Super Bowl in October!!! Al would be proud. But does he have enough raw tools for my former mentor? Time will tell us. Either Davis’ spectre form will visit us in the night or we’ll meet him once we’re dead in football heaven. Which I think is like Canton. Only every member is Favre. And Tebow! And Gruden (maybe)!!
3. The NFC East sure got interesting: Eagles, G-Men, Cow Bows and Redskindians are all in the race. But can they all get into the place? Possibly yes, mathematically no. The Eagles flew the best yesterday. Vick’s dynacism is sandwich worthy, but not mayo. Same with Eli; the young Manning played a safe game but his toast was a little burnt. I’ve already said my piece on Grossman. Finally we got the best of the bunch: ROMO. Tony Time makes up for his lack of accuracy and a good offensive line with thrilling drama and a wonderful jaw. I was younger and needed a wing man, I’d make sure Romo and I stopped by Squawker’s Shanty every week! But I’m banned from there. Self-imposed exile. A legally forced self-imposed exile. GO ROMO! GOROMO! GOMO!!*
4. The Colts sucks. 0-6. Wins are everything, possibly.
5. The Rams, 0-5, are not far away. Call me a fool, but I think coach Spags and Junior Gunglinga Sammy Bradford got something here. Wins aren’t everything, possibly. Maybe they can string it together and go to the Bowl? Maybe. I wouldn’t bet against them. But I don’t gamble. One day at a time….
*He’s Mexican. Food, Mexican food, not a Mexican. I mean, Mexicans are cool… I think.
GUNSLINGA OF THE WEEK
Drew Brees! Look at the digits. He just piled on numbers like layer of a quadruple decker sandwich! Four layers! First he starts with the meat, roast beef, mmmmm. Then a piece of mayo lathered white toast. Now time for veges! And man Brees delivers. Tomatos and pickles! How about more, bread and then some lettuce. Let us have some lettuce please!* One last layer…. BACON. Hmmmm good enough to give you a heart attack. Which Brees gave most of New Orleans considering three of those layers were interceptions and one was a touchdown and they lost. But 383 yards! Give the man a sammich!
He gets bonus points for doing all this without a coach. Sure his picks may have been suicide bombs, but good generals use suicide missions. Plus, that’s how we get the Dirty Dozen! What a movie!
*Not a Dowdrhyme or a Dodname. But I’m pretty sure it’s a Dowd something… DOWDPUN!
Ahmad Bradshaw: sometimes you gunsling with your feet. 3 TD’s and the W. Maybe the best thing of the day I think.
THE DOWD-JONES INDEX
1. Eagles. The dream team is here. It’s hard to beat a Sex Rex Me Burrito team like the Skins and Eagles did it in style. Hello Super Bowl.
2. Steelers. Here come the big, bad Steel boys. They are mean, gritty and possibly the maybeist team of all. Can they do it all with Roethlisberger’s injured foot? Time will tell us. Hopefully time has email or texts. I love those!
3. Buccaneers. Josh Freeman is comeback king number 1. He waits until the fourth quarter to sling his guns but when he does, it’s like watching The Man With No Name against a bunch of handicapped 4 year olds. NO CHANCE!
4. Ravens. The meanest team on the circuit. They can go head to head with anyone. Their secret weapon? They will kill you. It’s a gritty, gutsy move, but if they have to, they will murder every member of your team with ridiculous efficiency. Last week they spent several hours at a gun range. No more of that gangsta’ style sideways shooting. They are all linebacking snipers. And Flacoo.
5. 49ers. Harbaugh will lead this team to a Super Bowl where they’ll all jump for joy and slap their opponents faces just like their hands. Alex Smith: G.U.N.S.L.I.N.G.A. Genius Under Neath Slinging Long Intertwining Neurotic Gameballs Awesomely.*
THIS WEEK IN DOWD-LIFE
Relaxing week for the D. O.W. D.* Enjoyed some football at Dowd-Studios, enjoyed some mail from the Dowd-natics. But I’ve also been thinking a lot about the state of the NFL. It really has become a coach’s league. Coaches coach. It’s what they do. But at the end of the day, they cannot play all their players like pawns. The pawns need to play. Pawns pawn.
*Sorry, nothing’s coming to me….
It reminds me of my current situation. Outside of my sodium-deli-meat-lovingness and, of course, football, The Dowd enjoys playing Call of Duty. I realized sometime between 3 and 4 AM while screaming obscenities at the Asian teens still playing that I was in charge. I was a god to my fake soldiers. It was like being a GM again. I control their universe. Only even more than being a GM. That must what being a coach feels like. You rally your guys, put on a headset, and send them to possible death and guaranteed life-long injuries. And I can say it is the best feeling in the world.
*Dangerously Omniscient Universal Deity! Got it!
– Rick Dowdman