CRACK ADDICTS SAD JOSH HAMILTON DERAILED CAREER

Crack addicts nationwide are dissapointed that former star Josh Hamilton’s career has fallen apart due to involvement with Major League Baseball.  “He was so young, so powerful,” said Sniffles, a Detroit crack addict with six teeth.  “He was a hall of famer,* the next Winehouse.”  From the second Hamilton picked up the pipe and laced up his soleless shoes people knew he was a once in a lifetime prodigy.

*Located in Covington, Kentucky.  

Powerful, NSFW image right there.

Unfortunately, few knew about his secret involvement with baseball.  Throughout high school Hamilton became initiated with the sport, ignoring hard drugs of all kinds for years.  Then he turned pro for a few years, shocking everyone.  Weezy Joe: “To have him overcome such a heavy distraction was amazing.  He dabbled with baseball for years but with the help of some friends he was able to put it behind him.”

However, Hamilton relapsed in 2007.  He dabbled with baseball for about half a season with the Reds before falling completely down the rabbit hole with the Texas Rangers.   “I haven’t been this upset since Bobby,” says lifetime, one legged hobo Chuck “Momo” Morrison, former sidewalk and bus-mate of Robert Downey, Jr.

BRYCE HARPER YOUNGEST DOUCHEBAG IN MLB HISTORY

Bryce Harper is officially the youngest douchebag in MLB history.  The Washington Nationals 19 year old centerfielder is playing remarkably well for his age, and sure is acting like he’ll be a douchebag for years to come.

That a bro? He coming at me?

It took Alex Rodriguez years to fully realize his douche potential, but Harper does not require big money or a key media market to act like a dickhead.  Late last night the phenom hit a home run and demanded his teammates carry him “chariot style” across the diamond; a gesture not seen since Manny Ramirez left the Red Sox.

Many say it was his hard work in the minors that made him such an insufferable prick.  He really made his mark by showboating, posing after home runs and blowing a kiss to a pitcher before he made it to the majors.  Experts expect him to demand teammates be traded through the media as early as next season.

“I wouldn’t be shocked if he started jerking off after every home run,” says ESPN’s John Kruk.  “We haven’t seen that since Gary Sheffield‘s hey day.”

If anyone can remove his penis on the field of play and spend 3 to 4 minutes stroking himself until ejaculation, it is Bryce Harper.

OSCAR NOM: OAKLAND A’S HIGHLIGHT OF 2012

The Academy Awards is not far away now and no one is more excited than the Oakland Athletics.  The pride of non-Raiders Oakland sports is lobbying for the film Moneyball to win Best Picture in order to feel good about something in 2012.  The A’s are predicted to bottom out the AL West; the Rangers have been to 2 straight World Series, the West Coast Angels of America signed Albert Pujols and the Mariners mathematically have to rebound according to the laws of physics.

A win for Moneyball would make it feel like 2002 all over again.

Moneyball, the film based on Michel Lewis’ best selling book,* depicts the A’s front office using sabermetrics** to field a winning team on a limited budget.  The film has been praised for its pacing, acting and themes of redemption.  There were zero boobs.  Like, none at all.

*Also called Moneyball.  Real creative guys. 

**Nerd sports.  

Nevertheless, it was a great movie.  Brad Pitt makes Billy Beane dreamier than ever, Jonah Hill does acting and it is not horrible, they hysterically say “defense doesn’t matter” which is great knowing what we know now about how much defense matters.  The best part of the movie is guessing which parts of th script Aaron Sorkin is Aaron-Sorkin-ing all over.  It’s a lot.

Anyway, here’s hoping Moneyball wins Best Picture for the sad, pathetic, clearly giving up in 2012 to prove they need to move to Oakland.  Keep rolling the dice guys!  The 12 sided, D&D style dice.

Um.... wait.... Hey

RANGERS BALLPARK GAINS CONSCIOUSNESS; ATTACKS CIVILIANS

After several preliminary assaults, The Ballpark in Arlington has finally realized its potential and is alive. The ballpark became self aware early this morning; the rampage has begun.

The Diamond Shaped Face of Evil

The ballpark is destroying downtown Arlington demanding retribution for years of being sat on, spilled on and being called a “bandbox” by sportswriters. The army has surrounded the city citing their official plan to “let him have the city and try to contain the beast.”

No one’s more excited than the Angels who as of this writing are 2 games back in the division.

– Mike Sweeney