The respected auteur best known for his acclaimed PBS Home Video series The Civil War and Baseball, as well as “The Ken Burns effect,” recently announced plans for a new docuseries charting the evolution of Quidditch from an airborne game played by the young wizards and witches in the beloved Harry Potter books, to an earthbound game played by America’s finest liberal arts undergraduates. “I feel like I barely scraped the surface of things in both Baseball and The Civil War,” said Burns in a statement issued earlier today on Deadline Hollywood. “The relatively short but rich history of American Quidditch will allow me to (fingers crossed) take a consummate look at Quidditch’s rapid ascent as one of the premiere dicking around games played by college students today.” Principle shooting is set begin at Middlebury College, at the start of the 2012-2013 school year. To date, the yet-to-be named project will feature the voice talents of Philip Bosco, Amy Madigan, Wallace Shawn, Bob Costas, Tilda Swinton, and James Earl Jones, with narration from Garrison Keillor.
High in the Staples Center is a corner box drenched in shadow; so dark even the most diehard fans do not know it exists. The black hole of the stadium.
The crowd cheers. From the dark black hole someone laughs…
Donald Sterling is proving this season that you can have it all. Once seen as the kooky old nut of LA’s number two basketball team, Sterling has turned his demonic frown all the way into a despondent scowl.
As recently as a year ago Sterling was seen by many fans as an owner who did not care; an owner who’s willing to sit on his laurels; an owner willing to let the team suffer so long as he profited; an owner who’s racism was between excessive and borderline illogical; an owner / real estate mogul who refused to rent houses to Hispanics because they “smoke, drink and just hang around the building;” an owner who was sued by the US Department of Justice in 2009; an owner who refused to pay for Kim Hughes’ cancer treatment.
But Satanic spirits close to Sterling say that is “all part of his charm.”
While conjuring up a combination of AIDS and cancer, three blind old witches of fate swore their weekly meeting with Sterling was filled with humor. “He always puts a smile to our faces,” cracks Two, the second child of The Vaunted Triplets of Fate. “He always comes with a snack to sacrifice. When he meets us, it is not for fun, it’s because he wants to. It’s about the ‘human’ connection.”
SEASON IN JEOPARDY
From the get go the 2011-2012 season looked like a long shot; not if Sterling had anything to say about it. During the tense lockout negotiations, Sterling ordered numerous kitten to be strangled as a sacrifice to RANCLAR, God of Death and Shadow. Sterling’s outrageous acts even stunned Metta World Peace, nee Ron Artest. “I wouldn’t want to be left alone in a room with that man,” said Ron Ron. Yes. Ron Artest is intimidated by Donald Sterling.
The sacrifices finally paid off and 2011 basketball happened just in time: Sterling was willing to move from kittens to small infants. “I have no doubt in my mind if we didn’t sign a deal Donald Sterling would’ve stabbed a baby in front of us,” said player’s rep Derek Fisher, covered in sweat. That is the type of negotiating skill that kept both parties at the table. In fact, even controversial Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert admitted “neither side dared to leave that room if Sterling was in there with a baby and any sot of blunt object. Even a stack of papers. We’re NBA owners, sure we’re monsters. But not baby millers. That’s… something else.”
“That’s how much that man loves ball,” says longtime assistant Wormtail. “He will kill kids. How many? Irrelevant question.”
Now the Clippers sit at 11-6 and are considered LA’s premier team. Sterling has finally turned his laughingstock into the toast of the town: could not have happened to more a maniacal despot.
PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE
Staring into the dark abyss that is Sterling’s cavernous hole gives the semblance that he has not had “fun” in quite some time.
Sure he hasn’t.
Sterling’s been even more prevalent in the community this year from buying out an entire’s store’s worth of lottery tickets so others cannot have any to drawing pictures of average citizens with Glasgow smiles on their faces, everyone knows Sterling loves to laugh.
Oh how he loves to maniacally laugh.
“Sometimes we’ll be exiting the stadium and he’ll just cackle,” said a chuckling Wormtail. “It’s almost like he knew something just happened to someone. I don’t know, but he has his weird sixth sense about… things… happening to other people.” Wormtail added Sterling will randomly rub his fingers together saying “yes…yes…” when not even prompted. Something even Wormtail admits is “claustrophobia-inspiring.”
SMOOTH SAILING HERE ON OUT
2012 might be the end of the world, but it’s all good for Sterling. He relaxes on his yacht, Goebels II (Goebels I having the attack guns repaired) and drinks it all in.
“I’ve come very far,” wrote Sterling, his voice unfit fo the human ear to process. “So I think I’ll just bask in the moon light a little bit more. The sun is rather harsh, but it will pay one day… one day…” and even wrote that he was maniacally laughing and rubbing his fingers together prompting members of This Is The Sports to wonder why the room was so small.
Sometimes it takes ruthless villainly for a born bastard to be able to sit back, relax and watch people die of horrific diseases he helped invent in a secret lab run by the Ghost of Hitler. And Donald Sterling is just the man for the job. Smiling the entire time.
The English national cricket squad is protesting an upcoming exhibition match with the American quidditch team. The English claim cricket and quidditch are two different sports much to the objection of the Americans who insist it is a communication error. “Something must be lost in translation,” says Malcolm Andrews, assistant coach of the quidditch team. “It’s like soccer. Over there they call it football and bathrooms are loos. Or something stupid like that.” Conversely, Bart Clough, captain of the cricketers: “stubborn as always, those Americans. We are not flying on broomsticks trying to catch a snitch. We are professional bloody athletes!”
Trying not to let this distract them, the players on both teams continued to practice their fielding, hitting, flying and magical spells.
– Mike Sweeney