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SERENA WILLIAMS DEDICATES MATCH TO 9/11 VICTIMS, LOSES HER MOTHERFUCKING SHIT

In a show of solidarity with the affected residents of New York City, Serena Williams dedicated her US Open final match against Samantha Stosur to 9/11 victims.  She then went batshit-fuck-crazy when play began, as usual.

I Will Have My Vengeance, In This Life or the Next!

On what Williams thought would be a winning point, umpire Eva Asderaki invoked the hindrance rule in response to Williams loud cry of “Come on!” upon belting the ball toward Stosur.  Williams, known for outbursts during matches, totally lost her god damn fucking mind again.  She broke her racket in half and proceeded to stab Asderaki 42 times with the sharp end, screaming obscenities and statements such as, “This is for the heroes, you freedom hating slut!”  She then threw the racket into the crowd, bellowed towards Ground Zero, grabbed a replacement racket, and resumed play.

Stosur won the match and her first Grand Slam title, and said, “I was very fortunate to have one of my best days on the biggest possible stage.”  A reporter asked about the blood on Williams’ hands, to which Stosur remarked, “That girl needs to calm herself and stop being so hellaciously out of her motherfucking bucket.  She’s always dedicating her murders to victims of tragedy.  Get a grip, bitch.”  Stosur was referring to the 2008 Wimbledon final in which Williams dedicated the match to the victims of the 7/11 London bombings by ripping off a ball boy’s arms with her thighs and pissing in the wounds, among other incidents.

Williams, holding a tiny American flag, was terse in her post-match interview about the incident.  She deflected questions about the match, and seemed to only focus on her “fight for the fallen.”  When asked why she had acted like such a fucking twat rocket, she said that she did not recall what she did and that “I guess I’ll see it on Youtube.”

Asderaki leaves behind two children, a husband, and a loyal fan base.

GRUNTING AT US OPEN REAWKENS PASSIONS BETWEEN YUPPIE COUPLE; MASS ORGY ENSUES

As if it were any other day at the U.S. Open: stands filled with what promised to be another day of rich white people morning-drinking. However, the heat had left many attendees cardigan-less. With balls flying everywhere, no one should be surprised at the day’s events.  As Nadal forehanded Mahut, a grunt of warrior passion came roaring out from his loins and the courtside spectators became noticeably aroused. According to one official, seasoned tennis fans, who would usually withstand unnatural urges during a heavily grunt filled match,  were weakened by that morning’s batch of Honey Deuces, which was  not prepared with the usual Grey Goose, but a combination of old Stoli and some Afrin nasal spray.*

Lovin' She Wrote

As seniors stripped out of their pastel Ralph Lauren sweater sets, officials were hesitant to make the call. But, action quickly escalated as couples broke into Australian Doubles. Ball boys were escorted from the scene to subdue a growing swarm of wealthy undersexed widows and officials sprayed down the sexual swarm with Perrier, the only chilled substance available.** Of course, the carbonation only reinvigorated them as seniors held on with continental grips to assist the line judge who was “out of position for a lot of balls.” Though the players were distracted, they were impressed by the crowd’s overall technique and follow through.

– Karin Graham

*To some, a recipe for disaster. To others….?

**It’s all Nadal will drink during a match

U.S. OPEN UNDERWAY

The US Tennis Open is in full force and people look stunning! Stars Serena and Venus Williams, Francesca Schiavone, Jelena Jankov and more brought glamor and class to every match. Serena wore an unconventionally modest blue accentuating her gorgeous legs while sister Venus pulled off a lengthy sash that could’ve looked clunky on a less confident stunner.

Some of the highlights:

The star of the evening was absolutely Jelena Jankovic wearing a gorgeous, sleek black top with a hint of white down the back.

Also there was some tennis.

– Mike Sweeney