TOP FREE AGENTS

MLB free agency is here and teams are a bustling. Everyone is circling their baseball prey like vulchers; vulchers willing to pay upwards of $20 million to eat you that is. Here’s the best of the best:

ALBERT PUJOLS

Pros:

One of the best ten year stretches in MLB history

First ballot Hall of Famer

World Series win was fabulous make up sex with Cardinals

Cons:

Possibly older than he says, meaning he is best 34 year old ever not best 32 year old ever

Cardinals bought Kansas City and offered it to him (he didn’t bite)

PRINCE FIELDER

Pros:

He is funny fat not sad fat

Hits home runs better than that asshole dad of his

Vegetarian; between he and Ryan Braun, no bacon was eaten in clubhouse

Cons:

Mouth foamed every time sausage race ran by during seventh inning

Literally cannot get fatter

Really wants to steal a base

My bicep is up HERE!

JOSE REYES

Pros:

Fast fast fast fast

Broke dozens of Mets records by being on team for a week

Can rock both the shaved head and dreadlocks for years to come

Cons:

Injuries stop the fast fast fast fast

Signed with the Mets

Didn’t leave Mets sooner

"Oh hey... what's up? Yeah my injury hurts but, whatever I can take it"

CJ WILSON

Pros:

Was Rangers ace for two straight years

Went from bullpen to rotation, now wants to hit

Cons:

Who the hell is this guy?

Already committed to being a bust for the Yankees or Red Sox

I see your Jose Reyes and raise you mood lighting

CARLOS BELTRAN

Pros:

Brings a hall of fame resume

Can still turn on a fastball

Movie star good looks

Cons:

Sucks

His "O" face is good BUT IT SHOULD BE BETTER!

MICHAEL CUDDYER

Pros:

Gritty

Hustles

Plays the right way

Cons:

Grits his way into outs

Hustles into double plays

Plays the right way

Is this your card! Wait... I did something wrong....

JIMMY ROLLINS

Pros:

Philadelphia loves him

Team leader

Former MVP

Cons:

Philadelphia hates him

Team prankster

Former MVP

All it takes is a 97MPH ball to crush your face and you suddenly can't hit

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s