MLB free agency is here and teams are a bustling. Everyone is circling their baseball prey like vulchers; vulchers willing to pay upwards of $20 million to eat you that is. Here’s the best of the best:
ALBERT PUJOLS
Pros:
One of the best ten year stretches in MLB history
First ballot Hall of Famer
World Series win was fabulous make up sex with Cardinals
Cons:
Possibly older than he says, meaning he is best 34 year old ever not best 32 year old ever
Cardinals bought Kansas City and offered it to him (he didn’t bite)
PRINCE FIELDER
Pros:
He is funny fat not sad fat
Hits home runs better than that asshole dad of his
Vegetarian; between he and Ryan Braun, no bacon was eaten in clubhouse
Cons:
Mouth foamed every time sausage race ran by during seventh inning
Literally cannot get fatter
Really wants to steal a base
My bicep is up HERE!
JOSE REYES
Pros:
Fast fast fast fast
Broke dozens of Mets records by being on team for a week
Can rock both the shaved head and dreadlocks for years to come
Cons:
Injuries stop the fast fast fast fast
Signed with the Mets
Didn’t leave Mets sooner
"Oh hey... what's up? Yeah my injury hurts but, whatever I can take it"
CJ WILSON
Pros:
Was Rangers ace for two straight years
Went from bullpen to rotation, now wants to hit
Cons:
Who the hell is this guy?
Already committed to being a bust for the Yankees or Red Sox
I see your Jose Reyes and raise you mood lighting
CARLOS BELTRAN
Pros:
Brings a hall of fame resume
Can still turn on a fastball
Movie star good looks
Cons:
Sucks
His "O" face is good BUT IT SHOULD BE BETTER!
MICHAEL CUDDYER
Pros:
Gritty
Hustles
Plays the right way
Cons:
Grits his way into outs
Hustles into double plays
Plays the right way
Is this your card! Wait... I did something wrong....
JIMMY ROLLINS
Pros:
Philadelphia loves him
Team leader
Former MVP
Cons:
Philadelphia hates him
Team prankster
Former MVP
All it takes is a 97MPH ball to crush your face and you suddenly can't hit
THIS IS THE SPORTS 