HASHTAG PLAYOFFS: WHAT TO EXPECT FROM NHL

Here’s our quick rundown of the NHL’s 2012 race to the Stanley Cup:

• Team hipsters, such as Patrick Hornqvist, to wear playoff beards ironically.
• Rangers will flaunt their red, white and blue jerseys exclaiming scoring on them is akin to 9/11.  Only the English speaking players will understand this.
• Penguins and Flyers will spend bus trips exploring everything that Pennsylvania has to offer.
• Numerous analysts describe the Florida Panthers as the “Tebow Broncos” so fans understand they should not be here.
• Don Cherry’s tailor will keep giving him suits that call attention to his devastating mental illness.

Stop laughing and call a f***ing doctor!

• Your friend who knows nothing about hockey will keep saying “got to ride the hot goalie, got to ride it.”‘
• Bounty scandal will ensure hundreds of players get the NHL’s strictest punishment: 5 minutes.
• Literally everyone will have a concussion.
• Coyotes goalie Mike Smith to try and avoid fights by forcing players to talk it out over a beer.
• Coyotes goalie Mike Smith will have beer on him.

SPORTS-NUT UNCLES TO DRINK UNTIL MARCH MADNESS

The biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, is over leaving many sports fanatics with no recourse but to drink incessantly until college basketball’s March Madness begins.  Following the big game and media event the only available sports are the NBA and NHL stretch runs, which in no solid terms, fucking suck.

"Listen to me now....!"

“I’m not even a Giants or Pats fan,” said Browns season ticket holder Marty Servick.  “But the Super Bowl is the best day of the year, and this year it was an amazing game!  Now what am I going to do?  Watch LeBron James play two and half quarters against the Hornets?  Let’s bet on whether or not the Phoenix Coyotes fold mid game or Ovechkin acts like a doushebag.*  No thanks.”  Marty says the only solution is to sit in a recliner and drink alcohol, preferably something with a “LITE” in it, until the “Tourny” begins.

*No bet.  But it’d be Ovechkin.  

Many fans made pacts to huddle in the same living rooms while eating anything fried or underneath melted cheese.  “The calendar works as follows,” proclaimed cheese-head leader Craig Boyle:

“New Year’s Day.  Preparation for da Super Bowl.  Da Super Bowl.  Boozernation.  Dat’s hibernation and booze in da same word.  Den Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, which is great.*  Den March Madness where we all root for our alma mader or anyone dat’s not Kentucky or Duke.  Den baskebtall playoffs and hockey playoffs month 1 begins.  Month 2.  Den da Finals o’ both.  Den baseball… so it’s like boozernation only mostly outside.  Den training camp.  Den pre-season.  Den football.”

*Everyone nods in agreement.  

Year well spent.

The cheering after Boyle’s speech lasted for a few seconds as each man fell asleep in his recliner with cheese hanging from his mouth.

In some religions this is heaven, in others it is Uncle Bert's house

PARALYZED, BRAIN DAMAGED STAR THINKS TODAY’S PLAYERS ARE WUSSES

Paralyzed, brain damaged former NFL star Byron Jones thinks today’s players are wusses.  After hearing about Sidney Crosby‘s continued absence from the Pneguins lineup, Twins first baseman Justin Morneau still suffering from concussion symptoms nearly two years after the event and the NFL eliminating two-a-day practices in accordance with the new collective bargaining agreement, Jones thinks sports have gone soft. “Nom nom men hit nommynom,” mumbled and slurred Jones through his feeding tube. “In our day we… I think… WHO ARE YOU?”

Multiple analysts agree: “players are not tough like they used to be,” said 180 pound 50 year old Skip Bayless.  “Players should never think about their future, their lives.  How can they keep their head in the game when they are worried about ‘life after the game?’  Bradshaw never worried about what a mockery and laughingstock he’d be years after his playing days.”

Indeed.

Thank goodness for guys like Byron Jones.  And thank goodness back in the day medical professionals did not know better than to stand in his glory seeking ways, agents and managers did not remind him of his next contract when they knew Dallas was coming up this week, and coaches and fellow players knew real injuries mean you could not walk.

Thanks to the former players, the greats, the legends who are willing to speak up about players not being as tough as they used to be.  It is always good to know that when some player beats a hallowed record, it is because the entire league is not as good as it once was, so said record is not nearly as impressive.

And thanks to the fans, analysts and armchair quarterbacks of the world for knowing exactly what they would do if they were in that situation.  Without their insight and ability to fairly judge their own actions in situations they may never be in, we would never be able to find out who is a quitter, a faker, a wuss, a complainer and a goat.  If we can learn one thing from Byron Jones’ nomming, it is nothing ever bad happens to heroes running full speed, head first into 250 behemoths for our entertainment.

If it did then Skip Bayless would just be talking nonsense.

ALEX OVECHKIN RAPS

Between the lack of Tebow, Kobe Bryant’s divorce and Gina Carano now punching men, the NHL is a little bit ignored.  The NHL has always been at best the red headed step child and at worst the dumpster baby of the sports, but every now and then good ol’ hockey steps up big and gives us this:

Starts at the 2:55 mark.

Yep.  Alex Ovechkin rapping.

His verse:

Alumni of Dynamo
8 on the back.
In the All-Star game all attention is on me.

On the NatTeam since 17
Scored 100 points in a season
Gold medal in Canada in ’08

Among the ten best players of the decade,
Stick in my hands, Rap in my headphones,
Saying hello from Washington,
Together with Sanya Belyi,
For every champion

[And then a bizarre sound that sounds like the English words “Look out!”]

“Among the best players of the decade”!!!!  Eh yo, eh yo, all the bitches looking at me, sucking my dick as I am perhaps one of the more talented players in the league. Definitely top 5 but if you think top 10 I’d like to hear your argument but at the end of the day I respect your decision! BITCH!!!

Basically Ovechkin read his wikipedia page and used some bullet points in a rap song.  Glorious.

NBA LOCKOUT ENDS DAY AFTER FAN BUYS NHL JERSEY

Chicago Bulls fan Dennis Colby is furious.  Why would a rabid fan be angry once the lockout ended?  Because he just bought a Chicago Blackhawks jersey.  “I gave up, I said ‘screw it! Dennis you now like hockey,'” said a mad-eyed Colby. “Then it ends? All of a sudden I can watch basketball?  I got twelve Blachawks tickets, a monthly pass to a nearby lot, a jersey…. NOW IT’S ALL USELESS!!”

No matter what anyone ever says, this is a useless item

Colby is one of many disgruntled NBA fans who were so distraught with the pessimism of the lockout they decided to follow the NHL, a sport which lost its 04-05 season and still features labor unrest.  Now these fans wasted their hard earned money and time on tickets and jerseys for hockey teams they have no reason to ever care about anymore.

“NHL? Hockey?” screams Sharon Dieter, a Nuggets fan from Denver.  “I literally learned everyone on the Avalanche? WHY?! Why would I do something so dumb and unenjoyable as learn an entire hockey team’s roster? Because thats what this lockout did to us man! Sure it is over for the league…. but not us…. no…. we are still haunted.”

Local NY fan torn between Rangers and Knicks

NBA fans are torn between keeping their hockey tickets or returning to the NBA.  Needless to say, many were affected psychologically in ways other lockouts never saw, or at least reported.  Numerous cities have even reported homeless people ranting about famous Olympic divers and international Ping Pong players; clearly they are too long gone to ever watch a real sport in peace.  Perhaps with modern medicine we can treat the psychological scars more effectively than past generations who suffered through lockouts.

STAFF BRUSHES UP ON THEIR HOCKEY

The NBA announced all games until Dec. 15th are officially canceled and This Is the Sports’ staff is brushing up on its hockey.  After years of treating the NHL as a second fiddle to our favorite winter past time, all members of staff the spent hours in front of televisions, browsing the internet for articles and learning the rules of the ice game.  Editor Mike Sweeney, having lived with a hockey fan for a year, assured his colleagues the fighting was not only hysterical, but also awesome.  Senior NBA editor Chris Bacarella sweated profusely watching the sport, most likely from a combination of tension and confusion.  He notes 3 key differences: 1) they have on ice skates, 2) the cheerleaders are all overweight, bearded men sitting with regular fans, 3) fighting rules.

This Is the Sports staff: artist unknown

Senior NHL correspondent Karin Graham was brought in for consultation; she arrived with numerous snacks and baked goods.  Upon realizing she had yet to answer a single hockey question, Graham admitted to phoning it in for years as NHL reporter, returned the twelve dollars she owed Bacarella and returned to her nook under the stairs in shame.

NBA fanatic Garron Chiu refused to leave his room, still crying over the loss of the NBA and Community.  “Who will provide the meta humor?* WHO?!?!” screamed the distraught Asian.  College sports expert Rony Josaphat claims he was gaining a feel for the game; when his fellow reporters laughed at this, he asked if it was because “he was the only black guy who liked hockey?”  Luckily everyone on staff remembered something else they had to do.

After rigorous investigation and a 16 hour film session, everyone agreed: Nascar is better.

– Mike Sweeney

Staff: Garron Chiu, Chris Bacarella, Sara Stenchever, Mike Sweeney, Jon Vail, Karin Graham, Rony Josaphat, Chevy Chase

*Who indeed?

PRE GAME WARM UPS

STAMKOS SIGNED TILL DEATH

Death via Dinosaur attack voids the contract as well

The Tampa Bay Lightning have locked up young superstar Steven Stamkos until his death. Stamkos, 21, has 96 goals in the past two seasons, easily leading the league. Lightning coach Guy Boucher said “we’re excited to keep Stamkos until his inevitable death. Hopefully he can put that off until his late 50’s at the earliest.” This follows the NHL’s current trend of locking up players for the long term: Alex Ovechkin, Rick Dipietro, Alexei Yashin among others are all signed for 10years or more.

Stamkos is also thrilled, “ever since I signed with this organization I knew I wanted to die here. On the ice or off, my death will be as a member of the Tampa Bay Lightning.”

The contract calls for an annual salary of $7 million, which then becomes $1 million plus incentives after the age of 40. If Stamkos is murdered, the contract is void and Tampa will be compensated with a first round draft pick.

During practice today Stamkos suffered a hard hit and was down for several momentsl; while he was perfectly fine and is expected to play today, the apparent injury was followed by a series of “are you f***ing kidding me?”

– Mike Sweeney

SEAN AVERY RUNNING OUT OF COUNTRIES

Controversial hockey star Sean Avery is back yet again with the New York Rangers. After being waved by the Rangers only a few weeks ago, Avery searched for opportunities to play in Europe, Russia and Canada, but to no avail. “No one would let him play,” said the detracting NHLer’s agent Maury Gomes, “Canada wouldn’t even let him in the country.” Avery traveled to Russia* merely to live and start anew, but the country said absolutely not.

It's like Wayne Gretzky combined with J-Wow

Avery has a shocking reputation for antagonizing opponents, being a penalty magnet, fighting on and off the ice, pulling stunts such as interning for a fashion magazine, calling other players girlfriends “sloppy seconds,” being very rude in interviews, trying so hard to be seen, having that aura of doushey-ness, you know? Like those guys at bars who immediately cut you off when you’re talking to a girl. She’s obviously into you and you both feel it and then he throws his arm over her and drags her to the dance floor. Then he won’t leave her alone and waits outside the bathroom for her. Seriously? Come on.

The Rangers signed the penalty hawk out of pressure from fans. “Where else is he gonna go?” asked Susan Falchi, a local banker and Rangers fan. “He’s like your crack addict cousin. You don’t kick him to the curb. You offer him the basement so long as he chips in for rent.” The Rangers sure hope their newly signed crack addict can chip in.

Related: Avery’s polarizing website.

– Mike Sweeney

*Avery assumed randomly fighting without hockey was allowed there.**

**It is. 

VERSUS / NBC SPORTS CHANNEL CHANGES NAME TO FOOTBALL 24/7 NETWORK

NBC Sports Channel is going over another name change; the station will now be called the FOOTBALL 24/7 NETWORK. The network, formerly called Versus, has been the home of America’s NHL television since the loss of the 04-05 NHL season, which canceled many of the league’s television contracts. In order to boost ratings network officials have decided to make a more attractive name, “one that grabs people’s attention,” says president Dan Gough. “What says ‘watch our hockey’ more than ‘football!?'”

Officials decided to change the name upon realizing the only thing worse for ratings than hockey was putting NBC on it.*

ZING! Ha....

Versus / NBC Sports Channel / FOOTBALL 24/7 NETWORK will be home to the NHL regular season and an estimate 102 of the 134 playoff games. “With all this great hockey to show it’s important we get viewers interested. We’re excited for the upcoming season to start…. Starts in a week? It hasn’t started right?”  Officials are considering keeping the NBC brand intact with the FOOTBALL 24/7 NETWORK and may again change the name to FOOTBALL 24/7 NETWORK PRESENTED BY ALEC BALDWIN STAR OF 30 ROCK. Baldwin could not be reached for comment as he was drinking whiskey in Awesometown.**

– Mike Sweeney

*Aaaaaaaand ZING!

**Ed Note: Official This Is The Sports policy is to include a link to The Shadow any time Mr. Baldwin is referred. 

Related: Commodore starts playoff beard.