BLOWN REPLAY CALL IN TOLEDO-SYRACUSE GAME IGNITES ‘MID-MAJOR SPRING*’

 

This took 12 hours in Photoshop

University of Toledo Marketing major Mark Bouazizi had just seen up become down.  Black morph into white.  He felt gravity pulling sideways. His world was cracking after his non-BCS conference Toledo Rockets lost a game in overtime last Saturday to a BCS conference Big East team, the Syracuse Orange.  The overtime never should have happened, since Syracuse was awarded an extra point their kicker clearly missed, even after an official review of the replay–by Big East officials.  The visiting senior walked out of Carrier Dome in a daze, and the home fans could only shake their heads and sympathize.  But that wasn’t enough.  Bouazizi headed to the parking lot and doused himself with gasoline.  He shouted “The MAC [Mid-American Conference] is great!” before setting himself alight.

"GO ROCKETS!"

Already accepted as one of the most mind-boggling officiating gaffes in the 150-year long history of college football, last Saturday’s blown PAT call in the game between Toledo and Syracuse added to deep-seated resentment of the ruling conferences by the marginalized Middle Major populace. In the wake of Bouazizi’s self-immolation, a wave of protests has broken out across the regions.  Protests started in Ohio and quickly spread, causing many BCS conference leaders to organize hasty reforms including more games played between the two tiers, and increased TV broadcast rights.  But many of the protesters won’t settle for anything less than dissolution of the current regime.  A large contingent of Rocket fans continue to camp out in the parking lot of the Carrier Dome, since renamed Martyr’s Square.

"Did you hear about this Syracuse-Toledo thing?" "Um... what are you here for?"

However, not all were receptive to the demands.  Human Rights Watch and activist groups claim SEC officials are carrying out brutal crackdowns on protesters.  Reports are impossible to confirm, as the SEC has not allowed non-regional journalists in its territory, but cell phone video allegedly from a protest in Gainesville, FL shows multiple UCF students being tazed by University of Florida police.  UF chancellor Bernie Machen dismissed the unrest as the work of “criminal gangs, backed by the West…Coast universities in the Pac-12.”

–Rony Josaphat

*Note: The reporter did ask a group of protestors why they referred to the uprisings as the “Mid-Major Spring” when it was, in fact, autumn.  The supporters immediately put their index fingers on their noses, and the slowest one to do so sighed before explaining to me what a metaphor was.

#2 ALABAMA WANTS RECOUNT

Alabama is ranked #2 in the BCS rankings and they are not happy.  University officials demanded an official recount of the coaches’s vote. “We know we’re the coaches’ choice for best team in the nation,” said grizzled veteran coach Nick Saban. “We are the best team in the country and they all know it!” LSU officials claim they deserve the top spot because of their point differential, but Saban is not having any of it: “We’re awesome! Watch the games! Watch every last down and you’ll see the people want us!” When reminded the standings change weekly, Saban threw his playbook and yelled “next week? Seriously! Aw man that’s stupid!”

Don't mak me forget you!

– Mike Sweeney

MIAMI GIVEN HARSH WARNING AFTER SWEARING NOT TO DO IT AGAIN

NCAA officials decided the University of Miami’s fate today: a stern talking to followed by a harsh warning.

"The tunnel's on fire!!"

The U is under heavy scrutiny for a litany of NCAA violations over the years, first exposed by Nevin Shapiro. Shapiro, a former booster fallen on hard times, brought Miami down with him after former players refused to aid him financially. The University claims it had no prior knowledge to any NCAA rule violations by its current players.

The NCAA considered a full investigation, suspending multiple players, firing members of the athletic department, and even threatening scholarships. Miami, fearing punishment may permanently hurt their program, took drastic action: they apologized. School officials said “we are truly sorry for these violations. We regret the events of the past few years and will keep a closer eye on our students. Seriously, we feel, like, really really bad.”

After crossing their hearts and holding back tears. the NCAA committee decided a firm tongue-lashing ought to do the trick. The meeting ended with the NCAA reminding Miami they still love them and are just disappointed. Added the NCAA, “right now it’s easy to forget the good people involved with Miami football.”

– Mike Sweeney