KYLE BUSCH WANTED TO DRIVE DURING KENTUCKY DERBY

Racing psychopath driver Kyle Busch is livid he could not participate in Saturday’s Kentucky Derby.  I’ll Have Another won the infamous horse racing Saturday afternoon with a furious Busch in attendance.

“See him tailing some of them other horses right ‘fore the end?” screamed Busch.  “If I was on that track he’d regret it, I’d bump him.  That’s racing.  I ain’t afraid to bump a horse with my car.”

Busch’s car / house / weapon

Busch arrived at the track with his crew, car and racing tights ready to participate.  The competitor is always willing to race in any event at any time.  Busch is infamous for barging into random men’s rooms and and finish urinating before anyone else already there, regardless of whether they started at the same time.

“Life’s a race,” said Busch double fisting two Red Bulls.  “Always got to compete… Ya’ll got some cocaine?”

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PREDATORS FAN AT NASCAR EVENT TELLS EVERYONE TO “PIPE DOWN”

"GO PREDATORS!!!"

Local Nashville Predators superfan Larry “The Winger” Wangor demanded everyone in his section at a recent Nascar race to “pipe down! The Predators are on!”  Wangor watched his favorite sports franchise on his iPhone wearing his lucky overalls and straw hat, necessary attire for Nashville’s biggest hockey fan.  While the rest of the crowd continues cheering as automobiles flew by at speeds north of 200 miles an hour, Wangor did his best to remind everyone the Predators defense is better than everyone thinks and their depth holds up against anyone.

No one listened.

Keep cheering Wangor.  When the Predators are home and you are sitting front row center ice, I guarantee they will hear your cheering.

NASCAR FANS OUTRAGED OVER GAY DALE JR. COMMERCIAL

Fans of popular NASCAR driver and Wrangler spokesman Dale Earnhardt, Jr. took to social media yesterday evening to voice their disgust over a new 30 second commercial that they describe as “Queerer than a 3 dollar bill“.  “Dem Wrangler people are a bunch of gay homos!  They thinking Little Dale likes men and stuff; he likes boobies and cooters! #88notgay” tweeted @nickelback4life.  #88notgay was the top trending topic as of 11 PM last evening on Twitter.  “We apologize if our most recent ad was seen as offensive by some of Mr. Earnhardt’s supporters,” said Eric Wiseman, CEO of Wrangler International, “We were attempting to reach a demographic that we felt was overlooked with our previous ad campaigns.  In no way were we trying to bring negative attention to our product or alienate our current customer base.”

How could this pose be seen as gay?

The 30 second ad takes place in a dance club with multiple males dancing to “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge.  All of the dancers are wearing some form of Wrangler Jean product, although some alterations were made in order to create jean shorts or “Jorts“.  The camera pans to a shirtless Dale Jr. in skin tight jeans, drinking a Fuzzy Navel at the bar.  “I’m comfortable in my own skin.  Sometimes, I like going to the local bar and dancing with just guys.  It’s not gay yet, but we’ll see what happens.  I think the bartender put an extra shot of peach schnapps in here; total Zac Efron look-a-like!!  I’m comfortable in Wrangler…Guns and Budweiser suck!”  Marketing experts believe that the last line is the reason why so many fans our upset with the commercials content.

Totally just went 6 to Midnight...

“This is a great moment for NASCAR,” exclaimed Brian France, CEO of NASCAR “The outrage over Dale’s new commercial will completely overshadow how awful of a spectator sport we produce.  Our goal for the 2012 season is to increase the amount of off-the-track issues from last year and direct all of our media attention to them.  2012 couldn’t have started on a better note in our eyes.”

Despite public outcry, Wrangler Jeans says that it will continue the commercial in all media markets and is already filming another controversial ad with former NFL quarterback Brett Favre.  Little is known about the contents of the ad, but sources have confirmed that it will be marketed towards Hipsters, Apple Users, and other “Artistic, but not successful Artistic so they are just unemployed and annoy most of the population” types.

KEVIN HARVICK GETS FLAT TIRE; NO PIT CREW IN SIGHT

Last night at approximately 8pm NASCAR superstar Kevin Harvick suffered a flat tire. The driver was on his way home from dinner with friends when he merged into the left lane of his local loop where he drove over a piece of glass. Expecting the worst, he began furiously pumping his breaks to avoid a spin out. Drivers behind him assumed he was drunk and simply avoided the left most lane.

Come in, come in pit crew... where's my headset?

Harvick, realizing he had total control of the car, mistook the HOV lane for the pit lane and followed it around the loop for 45 minutes, where he ran out of gas. He exited his Volkswagon through the window and called his pit crew coach, who was reading a bed time story to his daughter three states away.

Over a conference call, the crew walked him through changing the tire. It took him half an hour. Harvick still doesn’t know how they do it so fast.

– Karin Graham

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