POINT / COUNTERPOINT: DWIGHT HOWARD

Magic center Dwight Howard has been demanding trades, declining trades, having coaches fired, causing the Magic franchise hell for over a year now.

QUESTION:  Is Dwight Howard the legendary Heath Ledger character Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain or legendary Heath Ledger character The Joker from The Dark Knight?  Point / Counterpoint!

Dwight Howard is ENNIS DEL MAR.  

Are you our of your mind?  Slash open is face and you have the spitting image of a black Heath Ledger!

Calm down.  Let’s look at the facts: Dwight Howard and The Orlando Magic are in a tortuous emotional tussle…

Howard is putting that franchise in the grave using his emotional / intellectual instability: forcing insanity on your opponent? CLASSIC JOKER!

That’s Dwight Howard. LOOK AT THE SHOULDER MUSCLES!!

It is not torture!  Howard is also caught in this whirlwind of emotion.  He wants the Magic.  He cannot have the Magic.  

He Harvey Dent-ed Van Gundy so bad that I literally saw Stan shoot a homeless person last week. Journalist’s honor! 

Exactly! Journalist! Got to see it like a critic who’s experienced love!

I have plenty of ex-wives I know love and I know the bitter, mind-bending hatred one person can force when person A, The Joker Howard, forces person B, the BatMagic to become the ridiculed bad guy, alone in the dark waiting for Bane to brutalize his ass.  

Howard is in a trailer somewhere looking in a mirror holding a Magic jersey saying “Magic… I swear…” with just enough tear inducing beauty!  This was classic Greek tragedy from the start!  

We can both agree that Howard is an infection on those around him who poisons their lives due to his unruly nature and personal demons? 

Yes. 

And we can both agree that if you painted his face and put him in a purple suit you’d assume he has 16 knives and a rocket launcher in his pocket?

No one’s debating that…

Then it’s settled: The Joker.  

Jake Gyllenhaal as Stan Van Gundy

But we know where Dwight came from.  The Joker is merely a spectre of evil wrapped inside of a man.  An acknowledgement of his legendary status as an agent of chaos.  Whereas someone like…

Gilbert Arenas!

Has no origin to speak of.  The man came out of nowhere, destroyed a franchise.  He even got near Dwight with his magic tenure!

Possible romantic tryst, you’re suggesting?

I have sources. Journalist’s honor. 

Makes sense to me. Gilbert Arenas is Heath Ledger’s The Joker and Dwight Howard is his gay cowboy lover Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar.  

Sometimes you just got to get to the root of the problem. 

I’d still like to see his face slashed open…

What?

Just because this is awesome

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DWIGHT HOWARD DENIES WANTING HAM SANDWICH

In what continues to cause a media stir, Dwight Howard, center for the Orlando Magic had a sarcastic but definitely heated argument with the wait staff at a local Cheesecake Factory when a waitress who asked to remain anonymous served the 4 time all-star a ham sandwich; an order which Dwight Howard promptly said he did not make.

While Mr. Howard was in the bathroom, Orlando Magic power forward Glen Davis help make the order for Dwight. When asking for confirmation about Dwight’s order, Davis responded “miss, I heard it from upper management myself. Dwight Howard would like a cheese sandwich”.

"Mayo... I SAID MAYO!"

As Howard returned and was served his sandwich, he argued and continually denied that he ever made such claims, continually harassing the waitress for her “sources.”  The center claimed all news of his wanting a ham sandwich was “speculation” even citing that he did not want sandwich based foods on a recent episode of PTI.

“Look miss, whatever sandwich orders you hear from others didn’t come from me. My focus is on winning a championship. And curly fries.”  Witnesses also noted Glen Davis immediately left at the table, crumbs on his lip, with no sandwich found.

DWIGHT HOWARD DECLINES OBAMA CLASSIC, OPTS FOR GINGRICH OBLIGATIONAL

Dwight Howard, star of the Orlando Magic, has pulled out of the Obama Classic, the incumbent president’s fund raising celebrity basketball game.  Howard leaves the game in the hands of fellow stars Chris Paul and John Wall (Dr. Seuss’ favorite backcourt tandem),  and celebrities like Bono and George Clooney.

Awwww

Ewwww

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In lieu of that game, Howard is joining the Gingrich Obligational, the former Speaker’s own fund raising basketball game.  It is to be held on the same day this summer at 2600 Pennsylvania Avenue,  right down the road from the White House.

To many, it seems odd that Howard, a known Obama supporter, would switch parties for Gingrich, an accused racist and advocate of child labor.  It is payback-Howard owes Gingrich for lending him a dollar at a vending machine in a Houston Sheraton.

When asked why he would cross party lines for such a small favor, Howard replied with resignation, “I…don’t know.  He’s amazing at guilting people into things.  I looked at those puppy dog eyes and pleading lips, and I just…couldn’t say no.  I really have no idea why I’m doing this.”

Howard is the latest to join the game, after Gingrich persuaded Bulls point guard Derrick Rose and Boardwalk Empire star Michael Pitt to come aboard last week.  Sources say that Gingrich held Rose’s place in a line at a Seattle Coffee Bean while Rose used the restroom, and signed for an important postal package at Pitt’s Brooklyn apartment while Pitt was on set.

Gingrich is currently in talks with the Lopez brothers to play for him.  He got their cat out of a tree while they were at Stanford.

Tickets to the Gingrich Obligational cost $100 for loge, $300 for mezzanine, and $750 for courtside seats.  They can be purchased here.