The Oakland Raiders are looking to forgive and forget the Carson Palmer trade completed last week after realizing “he kind of sucks.” Raiders coach Hue Jackson called the Bengals immediately following yesterdays 28-0 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. “We had not seen him play in so long, he’s really bad… It’s been years since 2006,” said a distraught Jackson, referring to Palmer’s last great season. “I’ve been talking with the Bengals, hopefully we can work something out to send Palmer back and forget this whole thing ever happened. It was sort of a dick move on their part.”

Please don't send me back there.... please god no....

The trade was hailed as a genius move by the Raiders following Jason Campbell‘s season ending injury; Palmer refused to play for the Bengals and demanded a trade or he would retire. Bengals owner Mike Brown refused to trade Palmer, until a desperate Oakland needed the QB. Win-win for all. “Until he started playing…” said Jackson, with a tall drink in hand.  Palmer replaced Kyle Boller in the fourth quarter and managed to match Boller’s 3 interception performance in only one quarter of play. Impressive, really. The Bengals could not be reached for comment as they were reportedly “jumping up and down like little girls, smoking cigars and handing out hundred dollar bills to each other.”

– Mike Sweeney


"I'm not here, be natural, be natural... nice."

The 3-1 Buffalo Bills are thrilled after yesterday’s loss to the Bengals. “We feared the worst,” said owner Ralph Wilson, Jr. “We go undefeated, including beating the Patriots, and suddenly CERN discovers something faster than light? Thus proving all of physics is meaningless? Thus making existence as we know it a lie? You’re going to tell me that’s a coincidence? A COINCIDENCE?!?!?!”

Bills players, personel and fans are thrilled this loss may restore order to universe. CERN responded with ‘no comment.’

– Mike Sweeney


Maybe if we pour Gatorade on him now we'll win later!

In an official, emotional and teary-eyed press conference, the Cincinnati Bengals begged not to play in the 2011 NFL season. Owner Mike Brown, head coach Marvin Lewis and the entire roster joined hands pleading commissioner Roger Goodell to not make them play. During a tumultuous off-season in which they lost star receiver Chad Ochocinco and quarterback Carson Palmer demanded a trade or he’d retire, the Bengals have done nothing but continue their Bengal-ness. Instead of trading the quarterback for a possible second round pick, Brown held on to Palmer calling his bluff. Palmer is retired and the Bengals lost a QB for no picks.*

“We cant….” said whimpering owner Mike Brown, “not again… not this year… I’ll… Jesus, God, I’ll do anything just don’t make us play NFL teams!” Lewis went to far as to hold in tears as he de-robed his shirt in an “enticing” fashion; multiple reporters stopped him. The Bengals have long been considered an NFL laughing stock but this is a new low. The team says it will focus on 2013 as 2012 is not looking too hot either.

*In fairness, it has been their most effective off-season in years!

– Mike Sweeney