WORSE FOR CLEVELAND: CAN’T BOO LEBRON

With the NBA lockout looming, Cleveland Cavaliers fans are dealt another blow to their collective sports psyche when they realize they will not be able to boo Lebron James this year. “When we lost Lebron, the only thing we had to live for was watching him fail,” a lifelong miserable Cleveland fan said (he wishes to remain anonymous). “It’s not like I’ve finished burning all my Lebron jersey’s yet. And all my ‘We are all Witnesses to your choking in the finals’ signs? What am I going to do with them now?”

Who are you tak away their pyromania and happiness?

The damage is further done to Cleveland’s local economy, as “Lebron Sucks” t-shirts have gone way down, and Lebron jersey sales have also dipped due to the fact that hipsters can no longer wear them ironically without an NBA season officially starting; the shirts brought in an estimated 29% of the city’s total income.

When asked about whether the terrible play and Lebron-like excuses by Browns running back Peyton Hillis, one fan pointed out that “yeah, but he needs to take us to the promised land and then crush our spirits and leave before we can really embrace hating him. Until then, we just have to live with it”. Peyton Hillis is rumored to have asked to be traded from the Browns, so there may be hope for the dreaded fans of Cleveland.

– Garron Chiu

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AFC SOUTH QUARTERBACKS ATTACKED BY AFC NORTH NICKNAMES

Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbart knew it was only a matter of time: jet black, flapping wildly, going straight for his eyes from its

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW STOP!

hiding place under his sink.  “Luke [McCown, former Jags starter] warned me to be careful, and to stay away from the big cat exhibit at the zoo,” Gabbart said at a news conference, “but I had no idea it would happen in my own home.”

The raven attack on the Jacksonvilles’ young QB continues a disturbing trend this NFL season: for reasons unknown, the starting quarterbacks of the teams in the AFC South have been harassed, even injured by the putative nicknames of the AFC North.  Earlier this month, Texans QB Matt Schaub was chased across town by a tiger on the loose from the Houston Zoo.  “It scared the bejeezus outta me,” Schaub recounts. “It chased me for 10 miles up I-45.  I thought I was gonna die.  You joke about death by tiger being an awesome way to go… I was terrified.” Nashville police report numerous complaints from the Hasselbeck residence about menacing calls from Hall of Fame basketball coach Larry Brown.  Brown could not be reached for comment.

It all started in mid-August at the Indianapolis home of Peyton Manning, according to an unnamed member of the Mannings’ domestic staff.  Manning had just exited the shower when he came upon a massive, dirty man in a hard hat, wearing overalls and carrying a long wrench.

It was this guy

“Mr. Manning was like, ‘no, no, my neck, see?’” The source demonstrated, twisting his neck before continuing.  “You could tell he was thinking quick.  Then he was like, ‘uh, it needs surgery! Yeah, that’s it! I’ll be out for the whole season!’ The big dude stared at him for a long time, then turned around and left.”  The night Kerry Collins signed with the Colts his house was broken into.

OMG! He ran right into me! Did you see that?

Police are still looking for a suspect, but in an interview with local affiliate KDKA2, Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl was quick to point out that his city is now more a hub for biomedicine than anything else.  He then let loose a bone-chilling cackle before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet; when the smoke cleared, the mayor was gone!

–Rony Josaphat

COLT MCCOY THINKS HE’S IN A WESTERN

Cleveland Browns Quarterback Colt McCoy expressed concerns about the officiating after Sunday’s victory over Indianapolis.  McCoy believes “there’s a war a brewing” on the field between, as he puts it, “the white hat cowboys and the black hat no- good-niks.”  McCoy is reportedly taking measures to protect himself, should this “War of Zebra Aggression” actually ferment.  This includes keeping a Walker .44 handy and donning a Civil War era metal shield, a clear NFL dress code violation.

Dern Oriental Dry Cleaner Dern Shrunk My 10 Gallon Hat!

Browns coach Pat Shurmur attributed this misunderstanding to McCoy’s upbringing.  “He’s Texan; they all think ‘someone’s poisoning the water hole,’” Shurmer said with emphatic finger quotes.  “They’re just making protein shakes, Colt.”  Shurmur did admit, however, that he was impressed at McCoy’s astute recognition of symbolism.

Head Umpire Mike Carey assured reporters that there is no bad blood between him and his crew.  “Have you seen me officiate a game?  When I call a penalty, I give each hand gesture my all and use my vast karate knowledge.  I’ll judo chop any insubordinate motherf*****,” Carey said.

Previously, McCoy had taken umbrage with the fact that the flying pigs are not thrown on a spit and barbecued once they are caught.  He has also called out Commissioner Roger Goodell on his “piss-poor Plantation management skills.”

It is uncertain whether McCoy will be able to handle facing Dallas or Washington later in his career. “Could you imagine us playing actual Cowboys or Redskins?  I think I would have to sit him, for everyone’s safety,” Shurmur said.

– Chris Bacarella