JAY CUTLER HOPES TO FEEL EMOTION THIS YEAR; HAPPY PREFERRED

Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler hopes to finally feel an emotion in the 2011 season. The stoic, baby-faced gunslinger hopes it will happiness. Friends and teammates are excited that “Jay finally wants to feel.” “It’s good he wants this,” said teammate Brian Urlacher. “It’s about time he became less machine and felt like a human.”

"You won the lottery Jay!" "Oh."

Defenders of the QB claim Cutler has a brilliant poker face, while detractors claims he has no desire or heart for the game. Nothing exemplified this controversy more than last year’s NFC Championship Game when Cutler’s guts were called into question by former and current players alike.

Cutler explained that was a difficult time for him. “It was whatever,” says the bland, chubby cheeked captain. He remains optimistic that this is the year he’ll finally feel. We asked Cutler what his second emotional choice would be: anger or sadness. “I don’t know. Either’s fine I guess.”

– Mike Sweeney

FAVRE IMPERSONATOR GIVEN SWIFT JUSTICE

Police brutally assaulted a Brett Favre look-a-like outside Packers camp early this morning. Reports say while the police were “ninety percent sure” he was not Favre, they did not want to take any chances. The man in question is lifelong Packers fan Kirk Ermatinger. Ermatinger acknowledged the strained relationship between his team and their former QB, but defended his Favre jersey claiming “it’s the only one I own.”

"I'm sorry officer... Brett Who?"

Defensive back Anthony Bratton caught a glance of the fan but assumed it was a mirage. “I thought my mind was playing tricks with me. Must’ve been the heat.”

It was not until Ermatinger was caught on security cameras did law enforcement swoop in. The man was escorted from the facility and heavily questioned. While he had identification, officers at the scene confirmed it looked “flimsy at best.” The officers were ordered to take “zero leniency” and do “anything and everything necessary to eliminate number 4.”

Kinda like this only they all had cheeseheads on

Kirk Ermatinger was escorted by police to a nearby pond and shot twelve times. When Ermatinger survived the initial wounds, multiple officers finished him off citing: “Brett’s come back too many times. He’s like f***ing Jason or something.”

While the real Favre insists he is retired and Green Bay insists they have no need for another quarterback, security has been beefed up around the practice facility to keep the larger than life ex-QB out. Packers GM Ted Thompson encourages other teams to do the same.

Alright, stab the virgins on 2. Ready? Break!

Deadspin.com broke the initial story.

*Related: Brett Favre Rise 

– Mike Sweeney

TEBOW TRADED BACK TO FLORIDA

The Denver Broncos have traded third string quarterback Tim Tebow back to the University of Florida. Most analysts consider this to be a dump-and-dash move to get out of salary commitments to Tebow.

If Only He Evolved Into NFL QB. Like Apes Into Men. Uh... Awkward?

Tebow has been a disappointment ever since joining the Broncos; his signature Wildcat and hoping-Jesus-will-bail-him-out have not translated to the NFL landscape. Sources close to Tebow say he is happy to work with a system he is more comfortable with and slower, worse defenses. However, he is sad that former head coach Urban Meyer has moved from the sidelines.

The University has agreed to take on Tebow’s salary making him the third highest paid player on the team. The Broncos will receive 3 scholarships in return.

– Mike Sweeney