PAT RILEY STILL SMILING LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE

A little under a month ago the Miami Heat won the NBA Title and team president Pat Riley is still smiling like a fucking asshole.   The slick haired former Showtime Lakers coach has been walking around Miami with a massive shit-eating grin that makes you want to kick his fucking teeth in; but Riley is not deterred.  “It’s just a great feeling,” understated the total toolbag in a clearly rehearsed speech.  “We all did it. We had a lot going against us but we triumphed.”

Riley has made sure to tip excessive amounts of money, drive with his convertible hoods down and high five random strangers, all smiling like he got free fucking ice cream.

Riley plans on forcing his clearly fake white teeth on every poor motherfucker within walking distance until the 2012-2013 season begins.  Sweet Christ…

LEBRON’S A GOOD PERSON NOW!

NBA champion and overall great guy LeBron James is finally – FINALLY – a good person.  It took 7 years of worthless effort, hard work and a few public faux pas, but James finally turned a corner, overhauled his entire personality, accepted we were all right about him, and did what we wanted him to do: become a good person.

Coincidentally, James won his first NBA title last week, right before his transition into “good guyhood.”

While I have never met LeBron, or anyone who has met him,* but his body language the past few years was that of a cowardly, heartless, winningless character.  Putting it in zombie movie cliche terms, he was the soldier who who runs a small colony but his hubris gets in the way and the zombies eat him while the heroes sneak away.  Or in inner city family drama cliche terms, he’s the older brother who’s great but addicted to crack and lets the younger brother down, but might help the younger brother succeed (hence his fourth quarter failures.)**

*My cousin saw him in a mall once, he thinks.

**This also works for boxing movie cliche.  

I AM SO HAPPY I’LL EAT THIS MIC I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!

But now James language is of someone who did exactly what I always thought he should.  I am glad he did.  To be honest, I cannot believe I am not getting a ring.  I probably should as a team consultant or something.  This happened because of me.  I am important.

Teammate and fellow champ Chris Bosh, sadly, is still a GIF-able doushe.

In a surprising twist, recent events in Kevin Durant’s life make him seem so… unlikable.  Maybe he has no heart?  Flawed character?  Only time and Skip Bayless will tell.

CLEVELAND STORE HAS MASSIVE “GUN AND SINGLE BULLET” SALE

Local Cleveland store “Fiery Temper’s Fire Arms” is having a massive blowout sale in honor of tonight’s NBA Finals Gam 5.  With former Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James, aka the Cleveland Puppy Rapist,* one win away from winning his first NBA title, “Fiery Temper’s” is throwing a $20 gun with one bullet sale.

*Aka the Kennedy Assassin**

**Aka the Rush Kennedy Assassin (a local 95 year old lady who died of elevated heart rate).***

***Aka He Who Should Not Be Fuck Him I Hate Him

See that in his teeth? It’s Cleveland’s soul.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for all of Cleveland to prepare themselves and celebrate appropriately,” says “Fiery Temper’s” owner Eddie Abernathy.  “Fans can watch as the clock ticks closer and closer to James’ victory ready to do what is right: blow a fucking zip liner through our skulls.”

Abernathy says he has prepared for this day for years, but only recently realized all of Cleveland needs to feel this.  “I remember watching the end of Avengers when New York City was destroyed.  That’s what LeBron did to us.  Except he only attacked puppies.”*

*The Avengers sequence was filmed in Cleveland making this statement… not irony, not poetic justice… but tid bit worthy.  

All of Cleveland will be watching tonight gun and bullet in hand hoping Russell Westbrook or God does not let them down.  Abernathy wanted to stress how important this might be: “if LeBron wins, then all of Cleveland will die.  This city will be a ghost town.  And that’s something America cannot let happen.”

Sure.

The first picture I found of Cleveland

NEW HD CAMERAS SEE INSIDE SOUL

Sony has developed a new HD camera designed specifically for sports intended to revolutionize the sports viewing experience.  The HD SS-3000 Vex* will be introduced in the NBA and NHL Playoffs to see if fans respond.  “These cameras are the future,” said Sony Tech Wizard Tom Gray.  “The modern viewer has 24/7 sports networks and thousands of blogs disecting every second of the play, now you can witness the player’s thoughts and feelings as it happens.”

*The Hi-Def Soul Searcher 3000 (third generation) Vex (means nothing just added some “pishaw!”). 

The camera views and records each athletes emotions and thoughts as plays form.  “We intentionally separated ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’ into two different categories.  ‘Thoughts’ will show what the player is cognitively assessing, like how much further until I reach the rim.  ‘Feelings’ allow fans to be there emotionally with their favorite players driving down the lane.”

The cameras were used for a test audience during the recent Heat-Lakers game.  Fans got to watch in a private booth, provided by Sony, and watch the game through their patented HD SS Gogglometers, a high tech eye wear piece designed to help view the deepest darkest, most hidden corners of their favorite players.  Some of the highlights included:

• Seeing how scared Dwyane Wade was every time Kobe Bryant approached him.
• Derek Fisher’s insatiable desire to have a slice of pizza the entire game.
• LeBron seeing himself dressed as Captain America whenever he dunks.
• What really happened in that hotel room in Colorado in 2003.

The only setback was two Gogglometers exploding while trying to dissect Metta World Peace.

However, the experiment was a resounding success.  Fans felt closer to the game, almost “ghost-like… a higher being,” according to Stan Perkins, who rubbed his mustache giggling before driving off in his windowless van.

Sports commentators are very excited to find out how this changes the debate world.  Now analysts can confirm which players lack “heart” and are “not all there” in ways never before seen.  Who is clutch?  Who let his team down?  What did he do last night at that night club?  Who’s biggest in the shower?  Essential questions.  Now with answers.

Sony is currently developing new systems to use the cameras with scripted dramas and sitcoms; it will have two modes allowing soul searching of the actor or the character being portrayed.  It is still struggling with “really good actors” such as Dexter’s Michael C Hall and Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burruss.

Amazing defense by LeBron! Why is he thinking about water? NO HEART!

ESPN ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR NEW, ALL TWITTER NETWORK

So what if they just replay the segments? What are you going to do, watch CNN?

The leader in sports entertainment announced plans this morning for a new addition to their family of networks.  “In an age where social media and user generated content is becoming more and more prevalent, we, the cable sports leader, have decided to expand our family of networks by adding an all new concept to television programming: #ESPN,” said ESPN president John Skipper this morning, “#ESPN will launch this fall and be dedicated to athlete and fan twitter input.  We like to think that by being pioneers, we can be the standard bearer’s for TV’s new ‘Modern Age’.”  Mr. Skipper would not give an exact date for the new launch or if any key personalities would move over to the brand.

“I think the new direction makes a lot of sense for the organization; this is the news that people want,” said Hannah Storm, ESPN’s Sportscenter Anchor and part-time cool Mom who lets their high school kids drink in the basement, “I mean, most of the time, we just read athletes twitter accounts anyways and make news stories out of that, even if it is completely baseless and gossipy. If we dedicate an entire network to it, it wouldn’t look as if we were just filling time during the live Sportscenter.”

Costas Rules!

Social media was mixed on the new ESPN direction.  Miami Heat’s Lebron James tweeted, “#ESPN this Fall?!  Can’t Wait!  Hopefully I’ll get some air time now! #fingerscrossed”.  @nbcsportsnetwork chimed in to the discussion,”@ESPN getting new network in the fall.  Good Luck! #sarcasm #gosuckaneggberman“.  Later it added, “@ESPN what is new your network going to be called?  ESPNGAY? #burn #costasrules!”.  NBC later said that their account was hacked and Bob Costas was not involved.  An unknown twitter feed, @notmarkzuckerberg, added, “Why would @ESPN use Twitter?  Twitter sucks; facebook is so much cooler! Can’t get enough of timeline! #facebookstillcool #twitterblows”.

Despite the negative reactions, #ESPN is already getting set for their launch this fall.  Below is a list of 5 new shows that will premiere on the newtwork.

• Twitter Feed: #ESPN’s flagship program will be their twitter feed.  They will follow every athlete in the 4 major sports as well as sports personalities.  “The hope is that not only breaking news will be revealed on this feed, but also comments that can be deemed as racially insensitive and in poor taste.  This would be a great driver for ratings.”
• Twitter War: Two analysts, athletes, or celebrities will talk sports and verbally fight each other via their Twitter accounts.  “Imagine PTI only instead of talking, they have their iPads or laptops in front of them and the entire discussion is done via twitter.  The tension!”
• F$%king Skip Bayless!: Skip Bayless spouts off useless commentary and off-the-wall predictions while people can write in how much they hate him and wish he was dead.  “This one speaks for itself; a no-brainer really.  We may also have a spin-off for Merril Hoge and Scoop Jackson.”
• NFL Lecture Hour: Mark Schlereth and Tedy Bruschi read NFL players’ twitter accounts and lecture them on what would have happened if they tried to pull that stunt when they played for their respected superbowl teams.  “It just seems natural; they do it every day anyways.”
• #Punk’d!: Based off the hit MTV show in which unknown twitter followers will try to piss off an athlete via twitter.  “We’re hoping to get Ashton Kutcher to be the host.  It will be hard to juggle the new show with his #1 comedy that no one watches.”

BIRD: “I’D RATHER PLAY BLOCKS WITH KOBE”

Hall of famer and basketball icon Larry Bird admitted that he would rather spend recess with Lakers guard Kobe Bryant than the Miami Heat’s LeBron James.  Bird answered rather candidly saying “if I was an infant regularly spitting up vomit on myself and rolling in my feces, I’d rather it be with Kobe.”

He continued: “Kobe provides the best chance to win and win and win in Lego wars.  Can LeBron promise that?  Can he guarantee he won’t start eating pieces in the fourth quarter of recess?  Can he smash a space ship toy against the ground without another star to help him?”

LeBron responded: “it’s easy to make me a target.  Anytime a bead goes up someone’s nose it is

Miss Teacher there's icky on my face!

LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone falls off the castle it is LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone rolls off the mat during nap time it is LeBron’s fault.  I.  Don’t.  Wike. It!”

Bird is known for aggressive taunts and spitting during play times.  Many called this “dirty playing” while others attributed it to the former Celtic’s competitiveness.

LeBron, Kobe and Bird all sought each other out after finger painting and got into a heated screaming match before passing out from all that exertion.  Yes they did, yes they did those cute widdle guys!

How this man was ever accepted in Boston I will never know

SPORTS-NUT UNCLES TO DRINK UNTIL MARCH MADNESS

The biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, is over leaving many sports fanatics with no recourse but to drink incessantly until college basketball’s March Madness begins.  Following the big game and media event the only available sports are the NBA and NHL stretch runs, which in no solid terms, fucking suck.

"Listen to me now....!"

“I’m not even a Giants or Pats fan,” said Browns season ticket holder Marty Servick.  “But the Super Bowl is the best day of the year, and this year it was an amazing game!  Now what am I going to do?  Watch LeBron James play two and half quarters against the Hornets?  Let’s bet on whether or not the Phoenix Coyotes fold mid game or Ovechkin acts like a doushebag.*  No thanks.”  Marty says the only solution is to sit in a recliner and drink alcohol, preferably something with a “LITE” in it, until the “Tourny” begins.

*No bet.  But it’d be Ovechkin.  

Many fans made pacts to huddle in the same living rooms while eating anything fried or underneath melted cheese.  “The calendar works as follows,” proclaimed cheese-head leader Craig Boyle:

“New Year’s Day.  Preparation for da Super Bowl.  Da Super Bowl.  Boozernation.  Dat’s hibernation and booze in da same word.  Den Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, which is great.*  Den March Madness where we all root for our alma mader or anyone dat’s not Kentucky or Duke.  Den baskebtall playoffs and hockey playoffs month 1 begins.  Month 2.  Den da Finals o’ both.  Den baseball… so it’s like boozernation only mostly outside.  Den training camp.  Den pre-season.  Den football.”

*Everyone nods in agreement.  

Year well spent.

The cheering after Boyle’s speech lasted for a few seconds as each man fell asleep in his recliner with cheese hanging from his mouth.

In some religions this is heaven, in others it is Uncle Bert's house

625,790 PEOPLE SWEAR THEY’LL MURDER SKIP BAYLESS IN 2012

Hundreds of thousands of Americans claim their New Year’s Resolution is to find and murder ESPN commentator Skip Bayless.  These people are forced to listen to Bayless’ controversial opinions, rants and tweets.  Bayless consistently accuses LeBron James of being overrated, Tim Tebow is the second coming and wrote Troy Aikman was gay.  Apparently, 625,790 people have had enough.

This breaks the previous record of resolution-homicide held by Osama Bin Ladin, Bernie Madoff and that waitress who you could’ve sworn was flirting with you but turns out she has a boyfriend, some guy named Eric who’s in law school on scholarship, probably cheating on her all the time because he just looks like the kinda guy who’d do that…

We hope all the people reach this year’s resolution.  Or at least one of you does.

Charles Barkely is already looking like the front runner.

GAME RECAP: LEBRON SAVES BABY BUT CAN’T FINISH WHEN IT COUNTS

Miami Heat superstar LeBron James brilliantly saved a baby today before losing it in the 4th.  The Heat star just cannot finish the game.

On a routine Friday morning jog, King James noticed a burning building.  Proving he is not that different than you or I, King James approached the fire because “it’s cool.”  However, firefighters and emergency response were unable to retrieve a baby caught on the 8th floor.  James sprung into action.

MINTY FRESH!!!

Adjusting his $4,000 sneakers and $6,000 shorts, James threw powder into the air and stormed the blaze.  Traditionally, LeBron takes his time in the opening minutes to learn his opponent, no exception here: LeBron played conservatively through the first floor opting for the stairs over the hotshot-elevator route.

In the next few floors / minutes James was in rare form: jumping over burning blocks, staying low on defense and avoiding smoke, he moved toward the child with the freakish athleticism he is known for.  The superstar then went to the roof and climbed down the fire ladder to safety.

Just before handing the baby off to its mother, James dropped the child.  Classic LeBron.

James handed off the child one handed, in some late game showmanship, only it backfired.  The child was especially wiggly and rolled out of his palm, face planting onto the concrete.  LeBron, stunned, posed for a few seconds with his hands at his sides before walking off the court disgusted with himself.  Most of the onlookers agreed, if he’d passed to Dwyane Wade, James wouldn’t have had to take the final shot.

Chris Bosh watched the event and laughed before onlookers asked who he was.  Despite assertions that he is an NBA superstar, no one confirmed it.

Wait... we're up by 50? Why did I still lose? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!

ORANGE BALL