SPORTS-NUT UNCLES TO DRINK UNTIL MARCH MADNESS

The biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, is over leaving many sports fanatics with no recourse but to drink incessantly until college basketball’s March Madness begins.  Following the big game and media event the only available sports are the NBA and NHL stretch runs, which in no solid terms, fucking suck.

"Listen to me now....!"

“I’m not even a Giants or Pats fan,” said Browns season ticket holder Marty Servick.  “But the Super Bowl is the best day of the year, and this year it was an amazing game!  Now what am I going to do?  Watch LeBron James play two and half quarters against the Hornets?  Let’s bet on whether or not the Phoenix Coyotes fold mid game or Ovechkin acts like a doushebag.*  No thanks.”  Marty says the only solution is to sit in a recliner and drink alcohol, preferably something with a “LITE” in it, until the “Tourny” begins.

*No bet.  But it’d be Ovechkin.  

Many fans made pacts to huddle in the same living rooms while eating anything fried or underneath melted cheese.  “The calendar works as follows,” proclaimed cheese-head leader Craig Boyle:

“New Year’s Day.  Preparation for da Super Bowl.  Da Super Bowl.  Boozernation.  Dat’s hibernation and booze in da same word.  Den Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, which is great.*  Den March Madness where we all root for our alma mader or anyone dat’s not Kentucky or Duke.  Den baskebtall playoffs and hockey playoffs month 1 begins.  Month 2.  Den da Finals o’ both.  Den baseball… so it’s like boozernation only mostly outside.  Den training camp.  Den pre-season.  Den football.”

*Everyone nods in agreement.  

Year well spent.

The cheering after Boyle’s speech lasted for a few seconds as each man fell asleep in his recliner with cheese hanging from his mouth.

In some religions this is heaven, in others it is Uncle Bert's house

ALEX OVECHKIN RAPS

Between the lack of Tebow, Kobe Bryant’s divorce and Gina Carano now punching men, the NHL is a little bit ignored.  The NHL has always been at best the red headed step child and at worst the dumpster baby of the sports, but every now and then good ol’ hockey steps up big and gives us this:

Starts at the 2:55 mark.

Yep.  Alex Ovechkin rapping.

His verse:

Alumni of Dynamo
8 on the back.
In the All-Star game all attention is on me.

On the NatTeam since 17
Scored 100 points in a season
Gold medal in Canada in ’08

Among the ten best players of the decade,
Stick in my hands, Rap in my headphones,
Saying hello from Washington,
Together with Sanya Belyi,
For every champion

[And then a bizarre sound that sounds like the English words “Look out!”]

“Among the best players of the decade”!!!!  Eh yo, eh yo, all the bitches looking at me, sucking my dick as I am perhaps one of the more talented players in the league. Definitely top 5 but if you think top 10 I’d like to hear your argument but at the end of the day I respect your decision! BITCH!!!

Basically Ovechkin read his wikipedia page and used some bullet points in a rap song.  Glorious.

STAMKOS SIGNED TILL DEATH

Death via Dinosaur attack voids the contract as well

The Tampa Bay Lightning have locked up young superstar Steven Stamkos until his death. Stamkos, 21, has 96 goals in the past two seasons, easily leading the league. Lightning coach Guy Boucher said “we’re excited to keep Stamkos until his inevitable death. Hopefully he can put that off until his late 50’s at the earliest.” This follows the NHL’s current trend of locking up players for the long term: Alex Ovechkin, Rick Dipietro, Alexei Yashin among others are all signed for 10years or more.

Stamkos is also thrilled, “ever since I signed with this organization I knew I wanted to die here. On the ice or off, my death will be as a member of the Tampa Bay Lightning.”

The contract calls for an annual salary of $7 million, which then becomes $1 million plus incentives after the age of 40. If Stamkos is murdered, the contract is void and Tampa will be compensated with a first round draft pick.

During practice today Stamkos suffered a hard hit and was down for several momentsl; while he was perfectly fine and is expected to play today, the apparent injury was followed by a series of “are you f***ing kidding me?”

– Mike Sweeney