STEELERS GO AS PATRIOTS FOR HALLOWEEN; 17 INTERCEPTIONS IN GAME

Hines Ward? More like Awk Ward.

Ben. Tom. Ben. Tom. It's like they're twins!

The Pittsburgh Steelers took the field yesterday dressed as the New England Patriots. Unfortunately, they were playing the actual Patriots. Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said the stunt was a Halloween costume and they “should have known the Patriots wouldn’t dress up.” Added QB Ben Roethlisberger: “maybe we were getting in their heads a little bit. But it was funny! We definitely won the costume contest.” The Steelers quarterback went as Tom Brady, wearing a Brady jersey and mop head as the long locks. He was especially proud of the mop head.

The Pats arrived at the stadium without any sort of costume; some of the players tried to put together an on the spot costume using puns. Linebacker Jermaine Cunningham claimed his all black attire meant he was “high school stage crew” others grabbed sticks insisting they were “melted snowmen.” No one bought it.

Once the initial confusion settled, both teams took the field in a 25-17 win by the Pats. There were 17 interceptions.

During his postgame press conference, Roethlisberger went on a 25 minute, unprovoked rant about

Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall went all out: jersey, pads, cast, making himself white

how Halloween was his favorite holiday because the ladies “dress like sluts.” Big Ben foamed from the mouth and began massaging his own nipples.

– Mike Sweeney

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AFC SOUTH QUARTERBACKS ATTACKED BY AFC NORTH NICKNAMES

Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbart knew it was only a matter of time: jet black, flapping wildly, going straight for his eyes from its

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW STOP!

hiding place under his sink.  “Luke [McCown, former Jags starter] warned me to be careful, and to stay away from the big cat exhibit at the zoo,” Gabbart said at a news conference, “but I had no idea it would happen in my own home.”

The raven attack on the Jacksonvilles’ young QB continues a disturbing trend this NFL season: for reasons unknown, the starting quarterbacks of the teams in the AFC South have been harassed, even injured by the putative nicknames of the AFC North.  Earlier this month, Texans QB Matt Schaub was chased across town by a tiger on the loose from the Houston Zoo.  “It scared the bejeezus outta me,” Schaub recounts. “It chased me for 10 miles up I-45.  I thought I was gonna die.  You joke about death by tiger being an awesome way to go… I was terrified.” Nashville police report numerous complaints from the Hasselbeck residence about menacing calls from Hall of Fame basketball coach Larry Brown.  Brown could not be reached for comment.

It all started in mid-August at the Indianapolis home of Peyton Manning, according to an unnamed member of the Mannings’ domestic staff.  Manning had just exited the shower when he came upon a massive, dirty man in a hard hat, wearing overalls and carrying a long wrench.

It was this guy

“Mr. Manning was like, ‘no, no, my neck, see?’” The source demonstrated, twisting his neck before continuing.  “You could tell he was thinking quick.  Then he was like, ‘uh, it needs surgery! Yeah, that’s it! I’ll be out for the whole season!’ The big dude stared at him for a long time, then turned around and left.”  The night Kerry Collins signed with the Colts his house was broken into.

OMG! He ran right into me! Did you see that?

Police are still looking for a suspect, but in an interview with local affiliate KDKA2, Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl was quick to point out that his city is now more a hub for biomedicine than anything else.  He then let loose a bone-chilling cackle before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet; when the smoke cleared, the mayor was gone!

–Rony Josaphat

BANE, RAVENS HANDLE STEELERS

The new face guard now at Foot Locker!

The Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers participated in their twice-a-year grudge match to start the 2011 season, capped by a shocking move by the Ravens: Baltimore fielded newly signed linebacker / fullback Bane, the ultimate killing machine featured in 2012’s film The Dark Knight Rises. Coach Jim Harbaugh, a massive Christopher Nolan fan,* spent most of the summer checking spy photos from the blockbuster film’s location shoot in Pittsburgh. After seeing the villain in action, Harbaugh knew he had to sign him and send him against his former city-mates.

In the first quarter Bane seemed overmatched and unfamiliar with the Steelers’ blitz schemes. But from the second quarter on he proved he was merely testing his enemy by brutally breaking Hines Ward’s back and snapping Troy Polamalu’s legs. Bane made sure only to maim players in order to intimidate and not receive a penalty flag.

The move clearly paid of with a 34 – 7 win by the League of Shadows.

– Mike Sweeney

*From even before Batman Begins you posers!