PEYTON MANNING MEDICALLY CLEARED FOR BEST BUY ADS

Peyton Manning has been medically cleared to perform in Best Buy commercials in 2012.

Manning has had numerous surgeries the past 12 months including as recently as September.  The hall of fame spokesman and SNL host’s commercial career has been jeopardized by the surgery as he missed the entire Fall 2012 audition season; Best Buy president showed concern over Manning’s ability to continue.  “Sure he’s healthy, but we won’t know if he can perform until we start rolling.”

Many speculated Manning would be released from his contract in favor of a much younger, developing sales person, such as Jonah Hill, fresh off an Oscar nod.  We won’t truly know how healthy Manning is until he looks us in the eye, smiles and convinces us Best Buy is the place for tablet computers.

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MANNING-GATE: BRONCOS CLAIM THEY “NEVER LIKED TEBOW”

The Denver Broncos are trying to lure in free agent quarterback Peyton Manning despite having QB sensation Tim Tebow.  “Tebow? Seriously, come on. We never really liked him,” said team Preisdent John Elway.  Added Head Coach John Fox: “I never wanted to play Tebow in the first place.  They made me.  They like Tebow.  I like Peyton. Even before he was a free agent I said we should sign him.”

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll..."

The Broncos made it to the AFC Divisional round and lost to the Devil-worshipping Patriots 45-10 behind Tebow’s unconventional throwing motion and accuracy problems.  Team officials and fans all swore behind the Tebow’s “leadership skills and magic” that made them so great.  “I don’t ever want another quarterback!” said John Fox in November.

“I don’t remember that, you misquoted me… never happened but you misquoted me,” said John Fox this morning.

Manning said he will consider all offers before signing.  The Broncos say they are prepared to cut Tebow or worse.

AFC SOUTH QUARTERBACKS ATTACKED BY AFC NORTH NICKNAMES

Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbart knew it was only a matter of time: jet black, flapping wildly, going straight for his eyes from its

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW STOP!

hiding place under his sink.  “Luke [McCown, former Jags starter] warned me to be careful, and to stay away from the big cat exhibit at the zoo,” Gabbart said at a news conference, “but I had no idea it would happen in my own home.”

The raven attack on the Jacksonvilles’ young QB continues a disturbing trend this NFL season: for reasons unknown, the starting quarterbacks of the teams in the AFC South have been harassed, even injured by the putative nicknames of the AFC North.  Earlier this month, Texans QB Matt Schaub was chased across town by a tiger on the loose from the Houston Zoo.  “It scared the bejeezus outta me,” Schaub recounts. “It chased me for 10 miles up I-45.  I thought I was gonna die.  You joke about death by tiger being an awesome way to go… I was terrified.” Nashville police report numerous complaints from the Hasselbeck residence about menacing calls from Hall of Fame basketball coach Larry Brown.  Brown could not be reached for comment.

It all started in mid-August at the Indianapolis home of Peyton Manning, according to an unnamed member of the Mannings’ domestic staff.  Manning had just exited the shower when he came upon a massive, dirty man in a hard hat, wearing overalls and carrying a long wrench.

It was this guy

“Mr. Manning was like, ‘no, no, my neck, see?’” The source demonstrated, twisting his neck before continuing.  “You could tell he was thinking quick.  Then he was like, ‘uh, it needs surgery! Yeah, that’s it! I’ll be out for the whole season!’ The big dude stared at him for a long time, then turned around and left.”  The night Kerry Collins signed with the Colts his house was broken into.

OMG! He ran right into me! Did you see that?

Police are still looking for a suspect, but in an interview with local affiliate KDKA2, Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl was quick to point out that his city is now more a hub for biomedicine than anything else.  He then let loose a bone-chilling cackle before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet; when the smoke cleared, the mayor was gone!

–Rony Josaphat

COLTS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER HOW MUCH MANNING CARRIED THEM

The Indianapolis Colts were stunned to learn how much they suck without Peyton Manning. During a 34 – 7 commanding loss to the Houston Texans,

Who'd wanna put a scalpel to that neck anyway?

Colts brass could not believe how bad their team is at football. “It was like watching a high school team go against an NFL team. A high school volleyball team,” lamented fan Vince Wells. Analysts across all the major networks are dumbfounded at how much the Colts relied solely on Peyton Manning. Conspiracy theorists speculate they were only trying to make the game more challenging citing major evidence such as the hiring of Jim Caldwell as a head coach.*

This injury is brought to you by Sprint

Manning, the 4 time MVP quarterback, ended his consecutive starting streak yesterday following neck surgery; a procedure which may keep him sidelined for up to three months. For years the Colts fielded fierce squads that miraculously came short in the playoffs, followed finally by a Super Bowl victory, followed shockingly by somehow staying competitive while being horrifically bad at football, followed by yesterday’s blowout loss to start the 2011 season.

– Mike Sweeney

*Seen by many to simply be a dare that backfired.