Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbart knew it was only a matter of time: jet black, flapping wildly, going straight for his eyes from its
OW OW OW OW OW OW OW STOP!
hiding place under his sink. “Luke [McCown, former Jags starter] warned me to be careful, and to stay away from the big cat exhibit at the zoo,” Gabbart said at a news conference, “but I had no idea it would happen in my own home.”
The raven attack on the Jacksonvilles’ young QB continues a disturbing trend this NFL season: for reasons unknown, the starting quarterbacks of the teams in the AFC South have been harassed, even injured by the putative nicknames of the AFC North. Earlier this month, Texans QB Matt Schaub was chased across town by a tiger on the loose from the Houston Zoo. “It scared the bejeezus outta me,” Schaub recounts. “It chased me for 10 miles up I-45. I thought I was gonna die. You joke about death by tiger being an awesome way to go… I was terrified.” Nashville police report numerous complaints from the Hasselbeck residence about menacing calls from Hall of Fame basketball coach Larry Brown. Brown could not be reached for comment.
It all started in mid-August at the Indianapolis home of Peyton Manning, according to an unnamed member of the Mannings’ domestic staff. Manning had just exited the shower when he came upon a massive, dirty man in a hard hat, wearing overalls and carrying a long wrench.
It was this guy
“Mr. Manning was like, ‘no, no, my neck, see?’” The source demonstrated, twisting his neck before continuing. “You could tell he was thinking quick. Then he was like, ‘uh, it needs surgery! Yeah, that’s it! I’ll be out for the whole season!’ The big dude stared at him for a long time, then turned around and left.” The night Kerry Collins signed with the Colts his house was broken into.
OMG! He ran right into me! Did you see that?
Police are still looking for a suspect, but in an interview with local affiliate KDKA2, Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl was quick to point out that his city is now more a hub for biomedicine than anything else. He then let loose a bone-chilling cackle before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet; when the smoke cleared, the mayor was gone!