A brave football fan chimes in on an
ESPN English Premier League article.
Olympic Sprinter Tests Positive for SPANX
World record holder in the 100 and 200 meter dash and reigning “fastest man alive” Usain Bolt tested positive for the popular women’s undergarment accessory favored by single women, new mothers, and female screenwriters. His participation in this year’s Olympic games are now in doubt.
“Spanx’s dynamic combination of seventy percent nylon and thirty percent lycra means that Usain is more aerodynamic than anyone else on the track,” said U.S. track and field men’s coach Andrew Valmon. “This certainly calls into question his legacy and presents the athletic community with yet another performance enhancing obstacle.”
The Olympic racing community hasn’t been this rattled since sprinter Marion Jones was found to have used steroids to help catapult her to the top of the track and field world. Jones had multiple Olympic medals taken away, and spent six months in prison as a result.
U.S. hurdler and fellow London Olympian Lori “Lolo” Jones, weighed in saying, “I thought about asking Usain out after the Games. Just something casual outside the Olympic Village where we could really get to know one another. But now that I know his body’s a lie…honestly, the appeal’s kinda gone now.”
Bolt’s PR firm had no comment, except this photo:
THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…
I want a cattle prod THIS big.
The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.” NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun. And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on. But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods. I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”
Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.” The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”
Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field
Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.
Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie. Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets. Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up. While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*
*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy. Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.
Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!
ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children. The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust. Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.
Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.
Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?
DEATHROW INMATE TURNS DOWN BOBCATS OFFER
Deathrow inmate Jarrod Munch turned down an offer from the Charlotte Bobcats which would have taken him off the execution slab; but Munch reportedly refused despite the guaranteed $7 million a year for 8 years. “The timing just wasn’t right,” said Munch, lying down calmly on the table as the doctor grabbed the alcohol swabs. “I didn’t want to put myself in a bad situation.”
This was what you get when you google “Bobcats 2012 Highlights”
Insiders claim Munch would’ve signed anywhere else but the troubled bobcats. Charlotte went through hoops just to speak with Munch, who’s been a star in the Louisiana Penal League, and Charlotte’s best chance at getting a college level athlete with high school ball handling skills.
PAT RILEY STILL SMILING LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE
A little under a month ago the Miami Heat won the NBA Title and team president Pat Riley is still smiling like a fucking asshole. The slick haired former Showtime Lakers coach has been walking around Miami with a massive shit-eating grin that makes you want to kick his fucking teeth in; but Riley is not deterred. “It’s just a great feeling,” understated the total toolbag in a clearly rehearsed speech. “We all did it. We had a lot going against us but we triumphed.”
Riley has made sure to tip excessive amounts of money, drive with his convertible hoods down and high five random strangers, all smiling like he got free fucking ice cream.
Riley plans on forcing his clearly fake white teeth on every poor motherfucker within walking distance until the 2012-2013 season begins. Sweet Christ…
POINT / COUNTERPOINT: DWIGHT HOWARD
Magic center Dwight Howard has been demanding trades, declining trades, having coaches fired, causing the Magic franchise hell for over a year now.
QUESTION: Is Dwight Howard the legendary Heath Ledger character Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain or legendary Heath Ledger character The Joker from The Dark Knight? Point / Counterpoint!
Dwight Howard is ENNIS DEL MAR.
Are you our of your mind? Slash open is face and you have the spitting image of a black Heath Ledger!
Calm down. Let’s look at the facts: Dwight Howard and The Orlando Magic are in a tortuous emotional tussle…
Howard is putting that franchise in the grave using his emotional / intellectual instability: forcing insanity on your opponent? CLASSIC JOKER!
That’s Dwight Howard. LOOK AT THE SHOULDER MUSCLES!!
It is not torture! Howard is also caught in this whirlwind of emotion. He wants the Magic. He cannot have the Magic.
He Harvey Dent-ed Van Gundy so bad that I literally saw Stan shoot a homeless person last week. Journalist’s honor!
Exactly! Journalist! Got to see it like a critic who’s experienced love!
I have plenty of ex-wives I know love and I know the bitter, mind-bending hatred one person can force when person A, The Joker Howard, forces person B, the BatMagic to become the ridiculed bad guy, alone in the dark waiting for Bane to brutalize his ass.
Howard is in a trailer somewhere looking in a mirror holding a Magic jersey saying “Magic… I swear…” with just enough tear inducing beauty! This was classic Greek tragedy from the start!
We can both agree that Howard is an infection on those around him who poisons their lives due to his unruly nature and personal demons?
Yes.
And we can both agree that if you painted his face and put him in a purple suit you’d assume he has 16 knives and a rocket launcher in his pocket?
No one’s debating that…
Then it’s settled: The Joker.
Jake Gyllenhaal as Stan Van Gundy
But we know where Dwight came from. The Joker is merely a spectre of evil wrapped inside of a man. An acknowledgement of his legendary status as an agent of chaos. Whereas someone like…
Gilbert Arenas!
Has no origin to speak of. The man came out of nowhere, destroyed a franchise. He even got near Dwight with his magic tenure!
Possible romantic tryst, you’re suggesting?
I have sources. Journalist’s honor.
Makes sense to me. Gilbert Arenas is Heath Ledger’s The Joker and Dwight Howard is his gay cowboy lover Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar.
Sometimes you just got to get to the root of the problem.
I’d still like to see his face slashed open…
What?
Just because this is awesome
SPURS WATCHED NBA FINALS “THE RIGHT WAY”
“Oh score! This is fun.”
The NBA season is over and the news-cycle is dominated by the draft and Olympic team; but let us not forget the best “team” this season, the San Antonio Spurs, who watched the NBA Finals the right way. That’s right, unlike the Knicks, Lakers and attention starved Wizards, the pride of San Antonio watched the Finals with little fanfare.
Each teammate quietly gathered at Tim Duncan’s house or purchased a modest, mid-row seat that is not on center court. That is why these Spurs are the real champs. None of this loud LeBron look-at-me hoob-a-loo in press conferences; none of “Hollywood” Durant’s eye catching glasses; just plain, good old fashioned basketball watching. Here me now fathers of America: make your kids watch how the Spurs watch basketball. It’ll make them better watchers of basketball forever.
TOM CRUISE RELEASES KATIE HOLMES
But they looked so sane!!!
After 6 so-so years with the Cruise franchise, Katie Holmes has been released. Cruise said it not a cost cutting maneuver and that he expects the team to contend in the coming years. Holmes will weigh her options and try and find the right team; she still expects to be a starter.
Cruise had one of his best seasons in recent memory with the success of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and Rock of Ages. Katie had arguably her worst season yet, calling many fans to wonder why the franchise kept her around.
Cruise drafted Holmes back in 2005 and made her the starter in 2006. She came from an uber-talented draft class including Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johanssen and, rumored at the time, Bradley Cooper.
Could’ve had an Avenger and you took First Daughter?
NICK SWISHER TO FLY BALL: “COME AT ME BRO!”
Bros! U see Nicky Swish the other day? HE CRUSHED THAT CATCH! Absolutely crushed it! The ball was like some honey at the frat and Swish3000 totes ripped his shirt off, strolled over there, said “WHAT UP HONEY.”
Swish has long been the bro-est bro in all of MLB. Some SwishFAX to remind you how DECK he is:
- Fav movie: Wedding Crashers / Gladiator
- Fav book: HAHA GAY!
- Fav babe: Kate Upton… bro…
- Fav MILF: early 40’s Halle Berry, she’s totes used up now
- Fav team: THE A TEAM BRO! Seriously that show still totes holds up. Me and my gramps used to watch it always back in the day. For real RIP.
LEBRON’S A GOOD PERSON NOW!
NBA champion and overall great guy LeBron James is finally – FINALLY – a good person. It took 7 years of worthless effort, hard work and a few public faux pas, but James finally turned a corner, overhauled his entire personality, accepted we were all right about him, and did what we wanted him to do: become a good person.
Coincidentally, James won his first NBA title last week, right before his transition into “good guyhood.”
While I have never met LeBron, or anyone who has met him,* but his body language the past few years was that of a cowardly, heartless, winningless character. Putting it in zombie movie cliche terms, he was the soldier who who runs a small colony but his hubris gets in the way and the zombies eat him while the heroes sneak away. Or in inner city family drama cliche terms, he’s the older brother who’s great but addicted to crack and lets the younger brother down, but might help the younger brother succeed (hence his fourth quarter failures.)**
*My cousin saw him in a mall once, he thinks.
**This also works for boxing movie cliche.
I AM SO HAPPY I’LL EAT THIS MIC I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!
But now James language is of someone who did exactly what I always thought he should. I am glad he did. To be honest, I cannot believe I am not getting a ring. I probably should as a team consultant or something. This happened because of me. I am important.
Teammate and fellow champ Chris Bosh, sadly, is still a GIF-able doushe.
In a surprising twist, recent events in Kevin Durant’s life make him seem so… unlikable. Maybe he has no heart? Flawed character? Only time and Skip Bayless will tell.
THIS IS THE SPORTS 