ESPN English Premier League article.
World record holder in the 100 and 200 meter dash and reigning “fastest man alive” Usain Bolt tested positive for the popular women’s undergarment accessory favored by single women, new mothers, and female screenwriters. His participation in this year’s Olympic games are now in doubt.
“Spanx’s dynamic combination of seventy percent nylon and thirty percent lycra means that Usain is more aerodynamic than anyone else on the track,” said U.S. track and field men’s coach Andrew Valmon. “This certainly calls into question his legacy and presents the athletic community with yet another performance enhancing obstacle.”
The Olympic racing community hasn’t been this rattled since sprinter Marion Jones was found to have used steroids to help catapult her to the top of the track and field world. Jones had multiple Olympic medals taken away, and spent six months in prison as a result.
U.S. hurdler and fellow London Olympian Lori “Lolo” Jones, weighed in saying, “I thought about asking Usain out after the Games. Just something casual outside the Olympic Village where we could really get to know one another. But now that I know his body’s a lie…honestly, the appeal’s kinda gone now.”
Bolt’s PR firm had no comment, except this photo:
The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.” NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun. And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on. But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods. I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”
Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.” The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”
Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.
Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie. Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets. Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up. While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*
*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy. Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.
ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children. The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust. Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.
Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.
Deathrow inmate Jarrod Munch turned down an offer from the Charlotte Bobcats which would have taken him off the execution slab; but Munch reportedly refused despite the guaranteed $7 million a year for 8 years. “The timing just wasn’t right,” said Munch, lying down calmly on the table as the doctor grabbed the alcohol swabs. “I didn’t want to put myself in a bad situation.”
Insiders claim Munch would’ve signed anywhere else but the troubled bobcats. Charlotte went through hoops just to speak with Munch, who’s been a star in the Louisiana Penal League, and Charlotte’s best chance at getting a college level athlete with high school ball handling skills.
A little under a month ago the Miami Heat won the NBA Title and team president Pat Riley is still smiling like a fucking asshole. The slick haired former Showtime Lakers coach has been walking around Miami with a massive shit-eating grin that makes you want to kick his fucking teeth in; but Riley is not deterred. “It’s just a great feeling,” understated the total toolbag in a clearly rehearsed speech. “We all did it. We had a lot going against us but we triumphed.”
Riley has made sure to tip excessive amounts of money, drive with his convertible hoods down and high five random strangers, all smiling like he got free fucking ice cream.
Riley plans on forcing his clearly fake white teeth on every poor motherfucker within walking distance until the 2012-2013 season begins. Sweet Christ…
Magic center Dwight Howard has been demanding trades, declining trades, having coaches fired, causing the Magic franchise hell for over a year now.
QUESTION: Is Dwight Howard the legendary Heath Ledger character Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain or legendary Heath Ledger character The Joker from The Dark Knight? Point / Counterpoint!
Dwight Howard is ENNIS DEL MAR.
Are you our of your mind? Slash open is face and you have the spitting image of a black Heath Ledger!
Calm down. Let’s look at the facts: Dwight Howard and The Orlando Magic are in a tortuous emotional tussle…
Howard is putting that franchise in the grave using his emotional / intellectual instability: forcing insanity on your opponent? CLASSIC JOKER!
It is not torture! Howard is also caught in this whirlwind of emotion. He wants the Magic. He cannot have the Magic.
He Harvey Dent-ed Van Gundy so bad that I literally saw Stan shoot a homeless person last week. Journalist’s honor!
Exactly! Journalist! Got to see it like a critic who’s experienced love!
I have plenty of ex-wives I know love and I know the bitter, mind-bending hatred one person can force when person A, The Joker Howard, forces person B, the BatMagic to become the ridiculed bad guy, alone in the dark waiting for Bane to brutalize his ass.
Howard is in a trailer somewhere looking in a mirror holding a Magic jersey saying “Magic… I swear…” with just enough tear inducing beauty! This was classic Greek tragedy from the start!
We can both agree that Howard is an infection on those around him who poisons their lives due to his unruly nature and personal demons?
And we can both agree that if you painted his face and put him in a purple suit you’d assume he has 16 knives and a rocket launcher in his pocket?
No one’s debating that…
Then it’s settled: The Joker.
But we know where Dwight came from. The Joker is merely a spectre of evil wrapped inside of a man. An acknowledgement of his legendary status as an agent of chaos. Whereas someone like…
Has no origin to speak of. The man came out of nowhere, destroyed a franchise. He even got near Dwight with his magic tenure!
Possible romantic tryst, you’re suggesting?
I have sources. Journalist’s honor.
Makes sense to me. Gilbert Arenas is Heath Ledger’s The Joker and Dwight Howard is his gay cowboy lover Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar.
Sometimes you just got to get to the root of the problem.
I’d still like to see his face slashed open…
The NBA season is over and the news-cycle is dominated by the draft and Olympic team; but let us not forget the best “team” this season, the San Antonio Spurs, who watched the NBA Finals the right way. That’s right, unlike the Knicks, Lakers and attention starved Wizards, the pride of San Antonio watched the Finals with little fanfare.
Each teammate quietly gathered at Tim Duncan’s house or purchased a modest, mid-row seat that is not on center court. That is why these Spurs are the real champs. None of this loud LeBron look-at-me hoob-a-loo in press conferences; none of “Hollywood” Durant’s eye catching glasses; just plain, good old fashioned basketball watching. Here me now fathers of America: make your kids watch how the Spurs watch basketball. It’ll make them better watchers of basketball forever.