PHILLIES / YANKEES CINDERELLA SEASONS END EARLY

Hearts were broken over the weekend: both underdog New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies‘ seasons came to an end. The ne’er-do-wells finally had that season that could end their championship droughts; the Yankees since 2009 and the Phillies since, oh boy, 2008.

A-Rod.... will his suffering end?

The Cinderellas managed to get to the playoffs with only 196,854,630 and 172,976,381, respectively; only 90 and 70 million more than 20 other teams. Can’t run on magic forever.

Yankees lost on a dramatic 9th inning strikeout to Alex Rodriguez, who struggled to only make more than the Marlins roster this year.* The Phillies ended with a torn ACL to perennial 40-homer, $20 million dollar man Ryan Howard.

Hopefully, with some generous ownership and a craving fan base, the brass of both teams will do everything they can to finally put the beleaguered franchises over the top!

I totally can touch my toes... AH! MY ACL! MY ACL!

*Even the Royals roster made more money than A-Rod. 

– Mike Sweeney

YANKEES STILL UNSURE WHY MORE MONEY DOES NOT MAKE PLAYERS BETTER

After years of dominating on and off the field, the New York Yankees finally admit they are not quite sure why more money does not make players “better.” Owner Hank Steinbrenner, president Randy Levine and GM Brian Cashman stared at one another blankly through a confusing press conference as all three were visibly stunned. “We’ve been doing this a long time and after years of research, we’ve discovered no matter how much money a player receives, he will typically perform as he usually performs. Sometimes better but shockingly, sometimes worse,” said Cashman reading enthusiastically from his report.

I'm telling you, this Betancourt fella is the next Mantle!

Steinbrenner took it a step further: “When you sign a guy to lots of money, that means he is the best ever.” The crowd of reporters nodded to the obviousness. “But we’ve found many players do not excel despite the money they have. Look at Giambi, Burnett. Makes no sense.” Furthermore, there is no solution in sight. “We’re not sure how to remedy this… possibly more money? Or make the money somehow ‘better.'”

Cashman than listed a few examples: Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano, Jason Giambi, Kyle Farnsworth*, Javier Vazquez, Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Rafael Soriano, AJ Burnett, Javier Vazquez,**Pudge Rodriguez. He ended the list by saying “etcetera” twelve times. “A-Rod’s the highest paid player in

Everyone gets a Hug!

the league and… I’ll just say it, his best days may possibly be behind him.”

The room trembled, shook and grumbled at this last realization.Reporters immediately had questions: “Then why give them that money?” “Are you overvaluing players?” “Everything I once held dear is meaningless!”

The executives tried to calm the crowd by saying their beloved athletes are not overpaid, just exponentially compensated. “They’ll do their best as we lower our expectations and take it all in stri…” Immediately Marcos Ramblin of the Post throw threw a Molotov Cocktail screaming: “Who watches the Watchmen!!!”

– Mike Sweeney

*Ran out of links

**Again

TEIXEIRA, YOUKILIS GO TO KEYS PARTY LIVEN YANKEES-SOX RIVALRY

Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira and Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis were seen at a “keys” party in Brooklyn, NY late last night. Both players were with their wives / significant others. The reason? To try and bring some zest to the stale Yankees-Red Sox rivalry.

“It’s just not the same,” said a bitter Youkilis. “You do all you can do but at the end of the day, they’re swell guys.” Teixeira also longed for the days of hatred: “I remember Varitek and A-rod slugging it out during a game and thinking ‘that’s why you play the game.’ But those days are gone. John Lackey is the definition of a sweetheart.”

FunFunFunFunFunFunFun

The keys party idea was Youkilis’, who originally suggested wife swapping or simply random acts of breaking into each others’ houses and taking the others wife. But with travel schedules and fatigue, it did not make logical sense; hence the planned event. “Hopefully we will get each other’s wives and snog her so good she begins yelling the other’s name during sex. I know I’d hate every single Sox player after that!” said a giddy Tex. “If not, we still get our fuck on.”

Sadkilis

The idea originated from rumors that Matt Holliday and Albert Pujols had a consensual three way with an unknown member of the Cincinnatti Reds leading to Cincy’s recent competitive resurgence. Word around the league is multiple Cubs players force their wives to dress “like ho’s” but so far no fish have bitten.

– Mike Sweeney