THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

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Nike unveils daring new soccer jerseys

BEAVERTON, OR. —

In what people inside of Nike headquarters are hailing as one of the most bold fashion moves of all time, Nike design engineers revealed their newest jersey  for the men’s and women’s national soccer teams.

Representatives from the National teams in their new, controversially striped kits.

During a recent, Nike-sponsored press conference held at Nike’s Beaverton compound, the haggard but triumphant design team responsible for coming up with the idea to put stripes on a jersey discussed the revamp with Nike’s in-house press corps.

“We spent months trying to capture the essence of the national teams, and then molding their essences–essensi? I’m never sure–into one comprehensively stunning kit,” said design director Thomas Walker.

In the early days of the project, Nike’s creative braintrust reached out to members of each of the national teams, asking them to free-associate words that describe their respective squads.

According to Walker, responses from the USWNT and USMNT varied from “assertive,” “respected,” and “good,” to “frustrated,” “under-appreciated,” and “trying hard.” (Responses were submitted anonymously, so there’s no way to tell which descriptors came from which team.)

“People said we couldn’t do it–said America wasn’t ready for stripes–but we went with our gut, and I couldn’t be prouder,” continued Walker.

“I’m gonna piggy-back onto what Thomas just said, and remind everyone gathered here that when we started this project, all we had was a blank canvas, and our imaginations. Now look at us!” Shouted Rory O’Reilly to a room full of his Dry-Fitted co-workers.

Other designers described the process as one that required much personal sacrifice.

“I didn’t see my kids for weeks. The youngest boy thinks I’m his uncle,” chimed in team member Scott Albright.

“My marriage fell apart; I was served with divorce papers during a three minute mandatory hydration break,” said team member Jeremy Trine.  “But ask me if it was worth it. Seriously. Will someone please ask me? No? Okay. Well, the answer was going to be, ‘We fell out of love years ago. Right around the time of the equally groundbreaking Oregon Ducks redesign. After that project, I could basically write my own ticket.’ I’m sorry. What were we talking about?”

Nike representatives, eager to gauge the public’s response to the newly outfitted soccer stars, asked fans at a recent friendly at PPL Park between the US Women’s National Team and China what they thought.

“The stripes? Yeah, they’re okay, I guess,” answered father of four Don Albright (no relation to Scott). “Can I go back and watch the game with my kids now?”

Outside the stadium, though, Nike canvassers got more of the controversial blow-black all real artists look for.

“Americans don’t wear stripes! Stripes are flip-floppy. Solids show that we commit,” said one wild-eyed gentleman standing at a nearby bustop. “Just look at them running around,” he said, pointing to a program for that day’s game that had blown out onto the sidewalk. “They look like they’re about to take a leisurely ride down the Riviera.”

For more on people trying to come up with as many things as possible to say about stripes, please see this little video.

 

Patriots Brass Confirms that Wes Welker was Disciplined after Superbowl Loss

Vince? Is that you? Vince...?

Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft took to the podium to confirm rumors about a locker room incident featuring several Patriots’ players ganging up on WR Wes Welker.  “The decision to discipline Wes was mine and mine alone.  I felt that this loss could have been avoided and that the course of action we took was in the best interest of the franchise for the long and short term.  The Patriot Way must and will be upheld as long as I am in control.”

According to earlier reports, Welker was walking out of the shower after the Patriots loss on Sunday when teammates Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski grabbed him, pinned him to the ground, and had Wilfork sit on his stomach with a tennis racket.  After Wilfork got up, Gronkowski emptied an entire bottle of syrup on Welker’s chest.  All while this was happening, fellow teammates were chanting “Awful Waffle!“.  Paramedics were called to the scene by a locker room attendant, but they arrived too late to save Welker from being very sticky and embarrassed.  Welker has not been seen since Superbowl XLVI and calls placed to his management were not returned as of this morning.

Pretty much, yeah.

“Wes is a great friend and teammate.  I would do anything for the man,” said Patriots’ QB Tom Brady, “That being said, he deserved everything that was given to him.  He needs to catch the ball during that situation.  That was our best opportunity of the night…well, aside from me missing Deion Branch on that crossing route, or when I under-threw Gronkowski, or when Hernandez dropped that one at the end, or that safety I took on the first play of the game, or…Shit! Is that Vince?  Is he holding syrup!?”

“I am aware of the situation that occurred Sunday night and I am working with Patriots’ officials to gather all of the facts,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “As far as any fines, we may go in a different direction for a punishment.  I’m working with Camp Anawanna Executive Director Dr. Kahn at this time.  He may have the current whereabouts of Zeke the Plumber.  We’ll then put the perpetrators out in the woods with Mr. the Plumber and have them spend the night.  Anyone who has their head plunged will receive a $50k fine.  That’s the idea at least; we’re still firming things up with the NFLPA at this time.”

U.K. Bars Soccer Fans from Thinking Offensive Thoughts

Premier League chairman Benevolent Older Sibling makes a public plea in support of the legislation

Following closely on the heels of a newly passed Scottish law outlawing “offensive behavior” at soccer matches, the government of the United Kingdom today officially approved legislation making it illegal for fans of the sport (known in the U.K. as “football”) to think bad thoughts about opposing teams or fans.

“We are all concerned about individual privacy rights,” said U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron, “but football-related violence is one of our country’s greatest shames, and violent actions spring from violent thoughts. Therefore, we must combat this issue at its source: Our traitorous, disloyal minds.”

The new law, dubbed the Mental Boorishness Prevention Act, shall be enforced by a new department, the Ministry of Civility, with the use of a sophisticated device known as a cerebrometer. Cerebrometers, which scan brain waves in order to detect sectarianism, hostility or “general aggro-ness,” are to be placed prominently in soccer stadiums, pubs and the homes of particularly troublesome individuals. Any fan whose disposition is determined to be insufficiently positive will be subject to re-education or, in extreme cases, a mysterious rehabilitative procedure known as the Ludovico Technique.

Ludovico Technique patient, during viewing of Green Street Hooligans

Reactions to the legislation were mixed. When asked their opinion on the subject, spectators at the Old Trafford stadium, home of the famed Manchester United club, would only smile nervously and voice their support for their own team, then hurriedly emphasize that that support in no way implied any antipathy towards opposing teams, then run away.

On the other hand, This Is the Sports contributor and U.K. native Archie Walkenshire was strongly critical, saying, “Are you taking the piss out of me? The bloody Lords must be barmy! ‘Tisn’t real football if I can’t fink the other team’s a pile of bloomin’ prats! And tell ’em so to their grotty faces, for ‘at matter, and leave ’em wiv a Chelsea Smile for their trouble! Blimey, somefing must be done!” Walkenshire then donned a Guy Fawkes mask and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

However, the new law does seem to have had a pacifying effect on Manchester fans. After the start of today’s match, the crowd would often break into repetitive chants of “LET’S JUST ALL HAVE FUN,” and by the game’s conclusion, a record low of only seven knife fights had broken out in the stands.

GUY CONSTANTLY MAKING PENN STATE JOKES IS KINDA CREEPY

Guy at the end of every bar.

In the words of modern-day Wordsworth Dane Cook, there is one person in every group of friends that nobody likes.  And Stu Klimek of Lancaster, PA might be the gold medal winner.  Klimek, a lifelong Penn State football fan and current safety chief for his brother Phil’s construction crew, spends the majority of his time making jokes about the Penn State-Jerry Sandusky scandal.  “We all giggled at the first one,” said bartender Jessup. “It relieved some of the tension.  But it’s all the time with this guy… it’s… I don’t now.”

Klimek clearly does not realize how much he is alienating his former bar mates; every joke, comment continues to regard the current situation at the University.  Despite numerous protests, which started merely as moving one to two bar stools down and have escalated to minute grumbles and and the occasional loud cough, Klimek is not getting it.

“You don’t hear great comedians like Dane Cook saying that s***!” yelled Anibelle, one of the waitresses at McGill’s, the bar everyone in Lancaster frequents.  “Mr. Cook brings the funny using class and cleverness.”

“He is becoming everything he’s laughing at,” says local bar patron Al.  Just Al.  “He’s the creepy guy now.  Unlike Dane Cook, a guy who knows funny inside and out.  Who’d make fun of that?  It’s not funny.  Anyone who has cracked a single joke is a weirdo.  Yes.  Everyone.  Even a small little jab just to deal with it makes you officially a bad person.  Going to down to hell probably.”

Going down to hell?  Sounds like a name for the movie about OH GODDAMMIT!

This is a photo of Not-A-Douche

Ed Note: Someone needs to make us laugh again.  When’s the next Dane cook special?  No old Dane Cook.  Yeah I like his old stuff.  Hey what’s Carlos Mencia doing these days? 

 

FOX SUNDAY ROBOT TO DO ART HOUSE FILM

Cleatus the Robot is branching out from TV to film; and boy is it in a big way. The FOX NFL Sunday robot has been cast in the new Lars Von Trier film Sephoric Noose. The film, a story about a florist hit man living in Paris who struggles with sex and drug addiction, features a variety of controversial scenes such as full frontal male nudity, a violent strangulation and scenes of public urination.

“I’ve been doing TV for so long now, I needed to expand my horizons,” said Cleatus. “I got into this business to take risks and now that robots really have become an acceptable norm in blockbusters, it’s time to show more depth.”

Von Trier is known as one of the most controversial directors in the world but Cleatus signed up the minute he could. The robot has been called a “one note actor” and believes Von Trier is the man to help him break that mold. “As an actor you’re always trying to grow, evolve, explore different aspects of yourself, and that’s what this film does. I really think people will see me in a new light.” Cleatus hopes this makes the robot Christian Bale.

The film is expected to receive an NC-17 rating which Cleatus jokingly said “is probably for the best.” It is expected to be released at next year’s Venice Film Festival. The film co-stars Vincent Cassel, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Jonah Hill.

Guess who the public urination scene is with? No. Amber Heard. The answer is Amber Heard.

– Mike Sweeney

NERVOUS SCHAUB ASKED CHEERLEADER FOR “QUICKIE”

Congrats! She's not a stripper!

Texans quarterback Matt Schaub allegedly asked a Texans cheerleader for a “quickie” before kickoff. According to an anonymous source, Schaub was nervous to face the New Orleans Saints and needed something to “relieve the tension.” Rookie cheerleader Kelli claims Schaub approached her, in full uniform, on the sideline minutes before kickoff; the QB then “acted super awkward” before he finally solicited for sex.

Kelli admitted she felt “horrified…. but kinda bad.” Schaub received a handy during kickoff before taking the field in a 40-33 loss. Maybe she rubbed the wrong good luck charm.*

"Thank god for Roethlisberger. Otherwise people would think I'm creepy."

Players and cheerleaders are strictly forbidden to fraternize and can lead to fines from the league office or the Texans. Schaub giggled hysterically: “worth it!”

– Mike Sweeney

*Ed Note: ZING!