TEBOW, JETS, REX, FEET, SANCHIZE….

Tim Tebow’s trade to the Jets, Sexy Rexy Ryan’s locker room rounded shit show, has created too much.  It is almost a gift from the comedy gods.  Or a curse.  It literally makes no football sense.  It makes only media circus sense.  Everyone hates him.  Everyone loves him.  We could not figure out how to cover this… so here’s our attempt:

REX RYAN NAMES EVERY WILDCAT PLAY AFTER PORN STARS

TEBOW BEGS REX RYAN TO STOP LICKING HIM

JETS HOPE TEBOW CAN MOTIVATE SANCHEZ TO COMPLETE 40% OF HIS PASSES

SANCHEZ RELIEVED TO KNOW BACKUP QB IS “DEFINITELY WORSE THAN ME”

JETS CUT EVERY RECEIVER

NEW YORK MEDIA GIVES UP ON SOURCES, WILL WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT

JETS EXPECT PUNTING, LOTS OF PUNTING

UUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

TEBOW MEETS JETS FANS, GIVES UP ON RELIGION

REX RYAN FORCES TEBOW TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES

NEW YORK MEDIA FIRST TO EVER HAVE SEX WITH TEBOW

TEBOW KEEPS WINKING AND SMILING, REPULSING JETS FANS

REX RYAN GOES TO TEBOW’S CHARITY EVENT “TO GET PUSSY”

TEBOW REPLACES SANCHEZ AS NEW YORK’S WORST PASSER AND ELI AS DUMBEST GUY WHO ALWAYS SMILES

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COUGHLIN TO RYAN: STOP THE PRANK CALLS

The Battle for New York City took another surprising twist yesterday with a plea from Giants’ Head Coach Tom Coughlin.  “I want to take care of a personal matter at this time before I answer any questions about the upcoming game.  Rex, please stop prank calling me and my assistant coaches.  We know it’s you and frankly, it’s extremely childish.”  When asked to clarify about the phone calls, “He’s calling us pretending to be all sorts of characters from Brady to my Mother.  He uses the same voice every-time and doesn’t try to disguise it.  Once was in all good fun; now it’s just harassment.”

The Jets denied any wrong doing, saying that the phone calls occurred on a private residence.  “We are doing an internal investigation right now and will not accuse anyone at this time,” Jets’ owner Woody Johnson said when asked about Coach Ryan’s actions, “Rex has been known to prank call people in the past, but there was never malicious intent.  We will stand by our Head Coach until we have all the facts of the case.”  Sources inside the Jets organization have hinted that this episode was brought on by the Giants recent win in the NFC Championship game.  Coach Rex Ryan had invited some players over to watch the contest.  Alcohol and illicit drugs have not been ruled out as a contributing factor.

Below is a transcript of one of the prank calls received by Coach Couglin.  The following contains graphic language:

2:37 AM

Tom Coughlin: Hello?

Caller #1: (Yelling) HEY FAGGOT!  It’s Bill!

TC:  Bill?  Wait, Bill Belichick?

1: Of course, who’d ya think?  Congrats on beating the red team.

TC: Oh the Niners?  Yeah, they were a great team and I think our guys really showed…

1: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up.  I’m going to beat you in the superbowl, ball face!  Get it?  Your face looks like a pair of balls!

Caller #2: (Background) No No!  Tell him you’ll put your balls on his face.

1: (Background) Shut up, I got this, Mark!

TC: Am I on Speaker?  Is there someone else on the line?

1: O shit, um yeah!  Of course, Brady is hear with me.  We like kissing each other (Laughter)

TC: O Ok…?

2: And we like touching butts.

1:  (Laughter) Yeah, I forgot about that.  We touch our butts together all the time.  And watch “Twilight” movies.

2: (Snorts something) Holy Shit!  That’s so gay!  Brady and Belichick are gay!  Why would they do that?

TC: Ok, well I’m going to go now.  I have to watch film…

1: Wait, quick question-

(Click)

Gun to my head, I totally would.

2:51 AM

TC: Hello?

1: It’s gay Bill again!  I said I had a question!

TC: I don’t think this is Bill-

1: Shut up.  Marry Fuck Kill- Gandalf, Mr. Miyagi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  GO!

TC: Wait what the Hell?!

1: Don’t think, just answer!

2: Rex, he knows!  Hang up!

TC: Wait, Rex!?  Is that you?!  Cut this out NOW!

1: If you don’t marry Gandalf, you’re a faggot!

(Click)

Aww, what are you gonna cry, Baby? Cry for me, Baby, CRY!

3:26 AM

TC: Rex, I swear to God I’ll go public with this.

1: You’re so old.  You’re going to die soon!

TC: Don’t say that.

1: You probably smell old.  Old, smelly, sooner dead guy!

TC: I’m hanging up, Rex.

1: FUCK!  I just want to win a Superbowl.  Fucking people are making fun of me.  You’re making fun of me.

TC: I’m not making fun of you, Rex.

1: Yes you are!  You and everyone else is being mean and I hate it.  It’s not my fault; It’s the offense.  Sanchez, Schottenheimer, Burress.  I hate them all!

TC: Hey, come on now, cut that out.  We’re not all being mean to you.

1: (Sobbing and snorting) I don’t want to be couch anymore…Sancehz is a poop head.

TC: Stop that.  Come on, Rex.  Listen, I promise I’ll defend you and the Jets if you please stop calling me tonight.

1: You…You would do that?

TC: I promise.

1: Wow…thanks Tom.  You know what I just realized?

TC: What’s that?

1: You probably can’t have sex because your dick is so old and wrinkly.

TC: You’re an asshole.

1: Old Dick! Old Dick! Old Dick!

(Click)

REX RYAN PLAYS PORN IN FILM SESSION

Jets head coach Rex Ryan played pornographic footage during a film session early this morning.  Ryan, creepy, was examining game tape with quarterback Mark Sanchez and numerous skill positions, when suddenly the footage switched from game tape to a large, overweight man (face unseen) breathing heavily over a seemingly crushed Asian woman.

Ryan, a pervert, jumped up to turn the footage off before turning back to the team to gauge their interest.  When no one, especially the baby faced, confused Sanchez, wanted to keep watching, Ryan tried to turn the tape off.  However, he insisted it “seemed like it was just getting good.”  All players groaned.

As many receivers exited the room, Ryan, a probable fornicator, said they need to keep watching “until it comes back to game footage.”  No one believed him and only an impressionable Sanchez was left with the coach.  Santonio Holmes urged Sanchez to leave, but the QB admitted “he couldn’t look away.”  Holmes claims the last thing he saw was “Coach Ryan smiling as the door closed.  Like it closed itself slowly and creepily.  It was weird.”

The remainder of today’s practices were canceled.

MARK SANCHEZ CAN’T EVEN LOSE RIGHT

The New York media is pouncing all over Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, who seemingly cannot even lose correctly anymore.  The Jets decidedly beat the Buffalo Bills 27-11 to tie for the division lead yesterday with Sanchez going 20 / 28 with 230 yards. “Let’s make it clear: the Jets suck,” said NY Times sports columnist and multiple heart attack survivor Bryan Simmons, “we all knew the Jets would lose and look what that idiot does! He plays well? That’s not Mark Sanchez!”

Journalism

Even Rex Ryan admitted he was stunned: “we were ready to throw this one in the loss column. I kept calling short run plays and out passes, but he made it work. Shame.” Sanchez was not available for interviews during post game, but was seen sulking in the corner after hearing hordes of New York media members screaming his name in anger.

“He sucks! HE SUCKS!” said William Jenkins, NY Post, “we all know he sucks, so he wins…. and it doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t win football games, he is bad. Even in winning he did something wrong!” Added Rachel Wilson, NY Sludge, “the New york media doesn’t make this stuff up. We know he cannot be a good QB. It has been decided.”

Sanchez was last seen fleeing to his car in the parking lot; dozens of reporters threw projectiles such as cups, microphones and tridents.

He just threw a touchdown pass in OT.

– Mike Sweeney

RYAN TWINS FIGHT; FEAR CLONING

Talk about family feud. During a pre-season matchup between the New York Jets and Dallas Cowboys, Jets head coach Rex Ryan assaulted Cowboys defensive coordinator and brother Rob Ryan fearing he was a clone. Rex claims he saw Rob coming and “knew in my bones he was a d***bag clone!” Rex threw a water bottle at Rob and the two continued to roll around the floor urging reporters to “shoot the other one! He’s the fake!”

Can They Both Be The Evil Twin?

The situation was resolved once both participated in the mirror test and were able to independently control their actions. This has been the first such cloning argument since the completion of the lockout.

– Mike Sweeney