THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

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NCAA: CONSIDERABLY LESS RAPES IN 2012 THAN 2011

Sorry my sign language is rusty

The NCAA released an exciting study today: 2012 has considerably less fewer rapes than 2011.  This is great news for the NCAA which as recently as last year faced several rape, child abuse and molestation charges.  But this year is a whole new leaf!

“To already be on Day 12 and not a single public charge of rape is a great triumph,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert.  “I think we all deserve a nice, professional, non-violating pat on the back.”  2011 certainly was a down year, with Penn State haunted by child molestation charges, Ohio State students menacingly getting free tattoos, and a Syracuse coach being accused of child molestation.  All equally disgraceful acts.

The NCAA hopes to carry this record streak of non-rape charges for another two or three weeks, thus beating its own 2006 record.  “That was a great year for us in terms of not abusing children physically and psychologically,” said Emmert.  “Maybe one day we can go a whole two months!”  Emmert laughed hysterically as every journalist stared at him coldly.  “But it’s all very, very sad too.”

RELATED: Bomani Jones on college football playoff.

UPDATE: We have finally reached the point where grammar Nazis are on the site…. yay.

GUY CONSTANTLY MAKING PENN STATE JOKES IS KINDA CREEPY

Guy at the end of every bar.

In the words of modern-day Wordsworth Dane Cook, there is one person in every group of friends that nobody likes.  And Stu Klimek of Lancaster, PA might be the gold medal winner.  Klimek, a lifelong Penn State football fan and current safety chief for his brother Phil’s construction crew, spends the majority of his time making jokes about the Penn State-Jerry Sandusky scandal.  “We all giggled at the first one,” said bartender Jessup. “It relieved some of the tension.  But it’s all the time with this guy… it’s… I don’t now.”

Klimek clearly does not realize how much he is alienating his former bar mates; every joke, comment continues to regard the current situation at the University.  Despite numerous protests, which started merely as moving one to two bar stools down and have escalated to minute grumbles and and the occasional loud cough, Klimek is not getting it.

“You don’t hear great comedians like Dane Cook saying that s***!” yelled Anibelle, one of the waitresses at McGill’s, the bar everyone in Lancaster frequents.  “Mr. Cook brings the funny using class and cleverness.”

“He is becoming everything he’s laughing at,” says local bar patron Al.  Just Al.  “He’s the creepy guy now.  Unlike Dane Cook, a guy who knows funny inside and out.  Who’d make fun of that?  It’s not funny.  Anyone who has cracked a single joke is a weirdo.  Yes.  Everyone.  Even a small little jab just to deal with it makes you officially a bad person.  Going to down to hell probably.”

Going down to hell?  Sounds like a name for the movie about OH GODDAMMIT!

This is a photo of Not-A-Douche

Ed Note: Someone needs to make us laugh again.  When’s the next Dane cook special?  No old Dane Cook.  Yeah I like his old stuff.  Hey what’s Carlos Mencia doing these days? 

 

PENN STATE BOARD FIRES JOE PA AFTER REVIEWING FACEBOOK

Joe Paterno

Legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired yesterday amid the current Penn State scandal. The board of trustees claim their decision came after several hours of surfing twitter and facebook. “We wanted to know what the young people were thinking,” said board member Alan Tudusky. “Who better to represent our society than a bunch of college kids who don’t vote, drink on Thursdays and can clearly express their opinions in 140 characters or less.”

They used a comprehensive system of tallying posts or tweets supporting Paterno, calling for him to be fired and merely expressing awe at the situation. In the end, America decided Father Joe’s fate.

The most popular tweets / posts:

1. Wow man, seriously, like this whole Penn State is crazy. Football is one thing but right and wrong is another, Paterno has to go

2. Mind blown! Paterno has to go becuz kids are so important and small

3. Joe Pa didn’t rape any kids! If he did not do that he is innocent!

4. Even though I’m 40 I have never met Joe Pa but I feel his effect every day, which is why I never stop applying to Penn State 

5. Retweet if you’re PROUD OF NICKELBACK!

6. If Paterno is fired I’m going to semi-riot roflmao #somad

“We will be holding a toll free text-a-thon to see if Mike McQueary will be voted off or remain for the final round! Stay tuned!” The board stressed they are not making light of the situation but hope to be renewed for a second season on FOX.

Joe Pa will replace Piers Morgan on America’s Got Talent starting next week.

– Mike Sweeney