Nike unveils daring new soccer jerseys

BEAVERTON, OR. —

In what people inside of Nike headquarters are hailing as one of the most bold fashion moves of all time, Nike design engineers revealed their newest jersey  for the men’s and women’s national soccer teams.

Representatives from the National teams in their new, controversially striped kits.

During a recent, Nike-sponsored press conference held at Nike’s Beaverton compound, the haggard but triumphant design team responsible for coming up with the idea to put stripes on a jersey discussed the revamp with Nike’s in-house press corps.

“We spent months trying to capture the essence of the national teams, and then molding their essences–essensi? I’m never sure–into one comprehensively stunning kit,” said design director Thomas Walker.

In the early days of the project, Nike’s creative braintrust reached out to members of each of the national teams, asking them to free-associate words that describe their respective squads.

According to Walker, responses from the USWNT and USMNT varied from “assertive,” “respected,” and “good,” to “frustrated,” “under-appreciated,” and “trying hard.” (Responses were submitted anonymously, so there’s no way to tell which descriptors came from which team.)

“People said we couldn’t do it–said America wasn’t ready for stripes–but we went with our gut, and I couldn’t be prouder,” continued Walker.

“I’m gonna piggy-back onto what Thomas just said, and remind everyone gathered here that when we started this project, all we had was a blank canvas, and our imaginations. Now look at us!” Shouted Rory O’Reilly to a room full of his Dry-Fitted co-workers.

Other designers described the process as one that required much personal sacrifice.

“I didn’t see my kids for weeks. The youngest boy thinks I’m his uncle,” chimed in team member Scott Albright.

“My marriage fell apart; I was served with divorce papers during a three minute mandatory hydration break,” said team member Jeremy Trine.  “But ask me if it was worth it. Seriously. Will someone please ask me? No? Okay. Well, the answer was going to be, ‘We fell out of love years ago. Right around the time of the equally groundbreaking Oregon Ducks redesign. After that project, I could basically write my own ticket.’ I’m sorry. What were we talking about?”

Nike representatives, eager to gauge the public’s response to the newly outfitted soccer stars, asked fans at a recent friendly at PPL Park between the US Women’s National Team and China what they thought.

“The stripes? Yeah, they’re okay, I guess,” answered father of four Don Albright (no relation to Scott). “Can I go back and watch the game with my kids now?”

Outside the stadium, though, Nike canvassers got more of the controversial blow-black all real artists look for.

“Americans don’t wear stripes! Stripes are flip-floppy. Solids show that we commit,” said one wild-eyed gentleman standing at a nearby bustop. “Just look at them running around,” he said, pointing to a program for that day’s game that had blown out onto the sidewalk. “They look like they’re about to take a leisurely ride down the Riviera.”

For more on people trying to come up with as many things as possible to say about stripes, please see this little video.

 

Congratulations, Coach Summitt

Upon news of her pseudo-retirement, legendary Tennessee Lady Vols basketball coach Pat Summitt was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the country’s First Bastketball Fan. Summitt’s impact on the game has been inestimable, and there’s really nothing to say other than: Congratulations Coach, and thanks for all you’ve done.

*Graph brought to you by Microsoft Paint™ and the We Don’t Know How Graphs Work, Co.

TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

• To the surprise of absolutely no one and the notice of a very few, alumnae of the University of Connecticut dominated the women’s basketball roster for this year’s Olympics (The Olympics are coming! The Olympics are coming!). The Geno Auriemma-coached squad reportedly declined to be fitted for official Team USA jerseys, opting instead to “just stick with the colors that got us here,” according to the unapologetically stately-haired Auriemma.
• Jersey abandoner, 6-pack aficionado and all-around gal’s gal Brandi Chastain traded in her shin guards for a sand wedge at this past weekend’s Michael Jordan Celebrity Invitational. She and partner John Smoltz (Ret. P-Atlanta Braves) defeated other notable weekend-golfers such as former NBA Inside Stuff Main Man Ahmad Rashad, “The Office” (US Version) cast member Brian Baumgartner, and hockey wife and mother of five, Janet Jones-Gretzky. “It’s not about beating Michael,” Chastain said. Poppycock. Of course it’s about beating Michael! This is the sort of stuff great obituaries are made of. You go, girl.

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

• According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

• And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

CHEERLEADER WRITES AUTOBIOGRAPHY

WEEEEEEEE!!!!
And… WEEEEEEEE!!!!

Milwaukee Bucks cheerleader Tanya Delora Masters has just released her upcoming autobiography: CHEER: ALL OF YOU LOOKING AT ME: CHEER, CHEER FOR ME!  It is a free-flowing, oral history of her time spent on the court with no subject too taboo and no area off limits.  Tanya Deloras, or TD, new book has been praised by critics for its honesty and moving narrative.

“If Chuck Palahniuk‘s gleeful chaos had TS Eliot’s prose, with really sweet tits, then you’d have this book,” says film critic Carlos Louterr.

The book opens with TD during a game in January 2010, only to jump between her discovering a love of jumping short hops while smiling, a complete professional analysis of shin-high boots and a list of the top 100 cheerleaders to have smile to an anonymous crowd.

An excerpt:

Hop.  

That’s what we do.  What I do.  Hop.  Inch, two inches, occasionally swooped and carried ten feet off the ground.  That is where I live.  In the one inch jumps.  In between two shakey, poofy, purple hands known as pom poms is a person.  A person with a name: Milwaukee Bucks.  

Tonight that is my name, my mission, my liege, my victory.  Tonight you will scream at me.  You will drink beer, eat nachos, and scream. 

I live between that inch. 

The book is on shelves today.

BUCCANEERS SET TO PLACE THE FRANCHISE TAG ON TIFFANY

Sex Appeal

Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ GM Mark Dominik took to the podium this morning to announce the team’s decision on where to place their franchise tag for 2012.  “After a long heated debate and in looking at our roster, it was clear that we had to keep Tiffany the cheerleader on the squad for the 2012 season.  She was an asset that we were not ready to part with and we hope it pays off in the long run.”  The franchise tag will put Tiffany in the top 5 median of NFL Cheerleader salaries, which comes to $70 a game.

There was speculation that the club would place the tag on 4 year veteran PK Connor Barth, however, sources from inside the Buccaneers’ war room said that the plan was changed at the last minute because “it would have been the gayest use of the franchise tag ever”.  When asked about the future for Barth, Dominik reflected “Let’s be honest, the NFL is a business. The owners know it, the players know it, the fans know it as well.  I can say that this was 100% a business decision from our standpoint.  We are in a down economy and we had to ask ourselves a couple of tough questions about what would generate revenue.  What is going to sell more lower level, season tickets: Connor [Barth] booming 50 yard field goals during warm-ups or Tiffany wearing a scantily-clad pirate outfit shaking and gyrating her moneymakers for all of God’s green Earth to see?  We had to go with the sure thing.”  Barth could not be immediately reached for comment and he was last seen drinking heavily behind a Long John Silvers.

Very little to no sex appeal

Fans and players reactions were all supportive of the decision.  “Dude, she got some big knockers.  I can see why they kept her around,” said Gerry Simpson from Clearwater, FL, “I’m a Bucs fan whenever they are relevant, otherwise I don’t care and go fishing.  But shit, I’ll watch the games every now and then if she’s going to be on the sideline.  As long as it’s not on the same time as Cops.”  QB Josh Freeman added his thoughts to the discussion, “Connor is a real stand-up guy; everyone appreciates his contributions over the past couple years.  But as Mr. Dominik said, you have to keep the important pieces in order to win a championship.  That’s our focus and we have the personnel to..ah fuck it, we suck.”

STUDY: WOMEN’S QUIDDITCH PLAYERS “MOST SEXUALLY ACTIVE ATHLETES” ON CAMPUS

(*NOTE: As the writer is not a Harry Potter fan, attempted puns may be erroneous or nonsensical.)

“Broomstick.”

“Total broomstick.”

“Omigod, I can’t even imagine.”

“Weeeeeell ladies… some of us don’t have to. Wand.”

“GET OUT!!!! That’s a shame.”

“I don’t care– I’d let that thing transmogrify me anytime.  After all, it’s not the size of the wand, it’s the motion of the potion.”

“Yeah, but careful, Marce! Present company excepted, you don’t know where that wand has been!”

The girls dissolve into a fit of laughter and high-fives, only stopping to sip their drinks and refocus on the next tasty dish that crosses their line of sight. On it goes, at least until the dance floor starts to fill up– once senior captain Blair Treedle and her squad get up to make their way into the sea of people and shake it to some Ursher, who knows where they’ll be leaving from to get to tomorrow’s team meeting?  Despite this, all the girls will agree that it’s still a “light night” for the Rutgers University Women’s Quidditch Team. The self-dubbed “Scarlet Wenches” are known campus-wide for practicing hard, playing harder, and hooking up with a frequency beyond the comprehension of a normal Muggle.

“Look. We don’t run, ’cause we [are] fly,” Scarlet Wench sophomore forward (or something) Tamara Black tells me. “And when you fly like us, you tend to land on whatever spot down there looks good!” The other girls nod in assent as the music pumps around them. “So when lame-ass bitches see us roll in, they [unintelligible; possible disappearing-spell incantation] theyselves out the way and let us get ours!”

And they’re not unique. A new poll by Quinnipiac University reveals that, all across the country, women’s Quidditch players are getting de-scarved more than any other team on campus. More than men’s lacrosse. More than women’s soccer. Even more than football.

The men and other women at the bar aren’t surprised. “Some of the sororities are pretty bad, but the Wenches are out of control,” says a male junior who doesn’t wish to be named. “I heard that, in the captains’ house off-campus, they have a huge board with the name of every officer in every frat, and all the student leaders. Like, 60% of the names are crossed off. And it’s not like they’re just laying down for us; these women will break you in half. They deliberately try [to] draw blood.”

RUN!!!

The stories repeat from school to school. Some think that it’s been the administration keeping Duke Lacrosse in check in recent years, but most on campus suspect that Lady Devils Quidditch has a lot to do with keeping the boys satiated– or dominated, depending on who you ask. The University of Miami’s Magicanes and the Lady Gators from Florida have reputations from Key West to Daytona. Taunting chants fly back and forth in matches between the Boston University Lady Terriers (“We screwed the b****-*s!” Clap, clap, clapclapclap) and the Boston College Lady Eagles (“We used BC!” [i.e. “birth control”] Clap, clap, clapclapclap). “Stop the Ducks” chants (“STD! STD! STD!”) are as popular at Oregon State as a wide variety of Beaver-related humor is at Oregon.

Despite all of this, there is a sisterhood amongst female Quidditch players nationwide. “Yeah we’ll beat ’em down like half-breeds on the field during a tournament, but a lot of times we turn around and tell ’em where the hot spots are for after,” Junior defenseman Marcie Shale says. “After all, there’s nothing like getting that golden snitch, right ladies???” At this, the girls raise their glasses and let out a hearty cheer.

—Rony Josaphat, honorary Scarlet Wench

TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Typical Canadians shooting first, and asking if there are fancy athletes in the vicinity later

Hours after arriving in Vancouver for the CONCACAF tournament, where the U.S. women’s soccer team hopes to qualify for this year’s London Games, a lone Canadian gunman entered the players’ hotel and opened fire in the adjoining bar.

None of the players were hurt, though the incident kept star goalie/dancer Hope Solo from making a post-practice caffeine run. “Was about to walk to starbucks [sic] when all hell broke loose in the lobby of our hotel! Life is precious…” Tweeted the Nike spokeswoman and Golden Glove Winner.

“Well, here we go again. First it was their heroics last year in Germany, and now the mainstream media feels compelled to mention that they were almost victims of a senseless tragedy,” lamented male soccer star Landon Donovan, on his way inside a Los Angeles area Pinkberry.

“I have it on good authority that ESPN ran the story somewhere on its futball homepage. To say nothing of all the press This is the Sports–where sports goes to get their sports–has been giving the team. I mean, when was the last time anyone gave a fig about the men’s national team? If we had been shot at, would anyone have cared?”

Sometime soon after making this remark, a tree in a distant forest allegedly fell down.

WHY WOMEN ATHLETES ARE SO GODDAMN NICE

First selfish female athlete in recorded history claps* for herself...or maybe America

It all started in 1908, when the first, Super-Secret-Pinky-Swear women’s sports convention was held. Representatives from the original Seven Sisters established a charter stating that female collegiate athletes were required to “treat each other with dignity and respect,” and a whole lot of other bullshit that’s not conducive to sports.

(It was also here that the adorable idea of “role model” was first conceived. “Oh, as if we’re not enough!” raged a coalition of chambermaids, school marms, and hookers protesting outside the convention, as recorded by one of the attendees in her diary later that evening.)

Since then, athletic women the world-over have struggled to assert themselves as competitive, dominant, inventive masters of Sport.

Over the years, there have been a few female athletes with drive, ambition, and a giant pair of metaphorical balls fighting for the right to be appreciated on the playing field. Unfortunately at every turn, they’ve been met with disappointment, snubbed by their more gracious and womanly counterparts. “We really thought Sheryl [Swoopes] was going to be the one to break the glass ceiling. But she ended up being a real class act,” said the world’s most likable aggressive female athlete, during a post-game interview, and on her way to a diabetes awareness benefit dinner. “I guess it’s back to the drawing board,” she shrugged. “Can I get anybody anything before I leave? Everybody good? How are your kids doing?”

Not surprisingly, a recent study comparing the off-season lives of WNBA and NBA players found that female ballers tend to favor quiet domestic pursuits and catching up with girlfriends (the straight kinds), while men enjoy flashier honey-do lists.

(The study was so boring, we couldn’t be bothered to show even one of its many multi-colored pie charts.)

“Would it kill them to just do a little trash talking now and agin, or threaten to sue someone or like, get into a knife fight? Anything! I can’t sell this slop for much longer! Fuck, man. I’ve got two mortgages.”  Raged one of five female sports agents currently in existence, in the study’s concluding remarks.

Whether female athletes are able to break the kindness mold remains to be seen. With the Olympics right around the corner, and global rivalries becoming somewhat notable, perhaps 2012 will be the year of the angry female athlete. But probably there will just be a lot of hugging and handshaking, and good, clean fun.

*Actually brushing dirt off from a community garden she and her teammates planted during half-time of the Women’s World Cup final.

FIGURE SKATING, GYMNASTICS CONFOUND PERVS, NON-PERVS

Boorish? No, he contends.

“I met the curator of the Met once, and we ended up chatting for quite a bit,” Dan Phillips says.

Un-artistic? Absolutely not, says the significant other.

“He’s not going to admit it, but choreography was one of the ways he paid his way though college,” his fiancee, Kyra Mosenberg, volunteers. “He loves artistry, especially the artistry of the body in motion.”

Homophobic?

“My older brother Ben is gay, and he’s one of my best friends,” Dan counters.

But when I mention figure skating, a look of disdain, if not outright revulsion, darkens Dan’s face. “Don’t like it. Can’t even watch it, really. There’s something about it that just puts me off.” Later, when we’re alone, Kyra sheds some light on the real reason behind his disdain. “I was before we met,” she begins. “He was watching a figure skater go through her routine. He was really getting into it– not in, like, a creepy way, but with his knowledge of dancing he really saw how graceful, how beautiful she was. Then the routine ended, and the announcers mention that the girl was 16 years old. Sixteen! He told me how horrified he was, and begged me not to leave him for being interested in an underage girl.”

I dare you. I double-dog dare you.

AUDIENCE