TEBOW, JETS, REX, FEET, SANCHIZE….

Tim Tebow’s trade to the Jets, Sexy Rexy Ryan’s locker room rounded shit show, has created too much.  It is almost a gift from the comedy gods.  Or a curse.  It literally makes no football sense.  It makes only media circus sense.  Everyone hates him.  Everyone loves him.  We could not figure out how to cover this… so here’s our attempt:

REX RYAN NAMES EVERY WILDCAT PLAY AFTER PORN STARS

TEBOW BEGS REX RYAN TO STOP LICKING HIM

JETS HOPE TEBOW CAN MOTIVATE SANCHEZ TO COMPLETE 40% OF HIS PASSES

SANCHEZ RELIEVED TO KNOW BACKUP QB IS “DEFINITELY WORSE THAN ME”

JETS CUT EVERY RECEIVER

NEW YORK MEDIA GIVES UP ON SOURCES, WILL WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT

JETS EXPECT PUNTING, LOTS OF PUNTING

UUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

TEBOW MEETS JETS FANS, GIVES UP ON RELIGION

REX RYAN FORCES TEBOW TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES

NEW YORK MEDIA FIRST TO EVER HAVE SEX WITH TEBOW

TEBOW KEEPS WINKING AND SMILING, REPULSING JETS FANS

REX RYAN GOES TO TEBOW’S CHARITY EVENT “TO GET PUSSY”

TEBOW REPLACES SANCHEZ AS NEW YORK’S WORST PASSER AND ELI AS DUMBEST GUY WHO ALWAYS SMILES

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COUGHLIN TO RYAN: STOP THE PRANK CALLS

The Battle for New York City took another surprising twist yesterday with a plea from Giants’ Head Coach Tom Coughlin.  “I want to take care of a personal matter at this time before I answer any questions about the upcoming game.  Rex, please stop prank calling me and my assistant coaches.  We know it’s you and frankly, it’s extremely childish.”  When asked to clarify about the phone calls, “He’s calling us pretending to be all sorts of characters from Brady to my Mother.  He uses the same voice every-time and doesn’t try to disguise it.  Once was in all good fun; now it’s just harassment.”

The Jets denied any wrong doing, saying that the phone calls occurred on a private residence.  “We are doing an internal investigation right now and will not accuse anyone at this time,” Jets’ owner Woody Johnson said when asked about Coach Ryan’s actions, “Rex has been known to prank call people in the past, but there was never malicious intent.  We will stand by our Head Coach until we have all the facts of the case.”  Sources inside the Jets organization have hinted that this episode was brought on by the Giants recent win in the NFC Championship game.  Coach Rex Ryan had invited some players over to watch the contest.  Alcohol and illicit drugs have not been ruled out as a contributing factor.

Below is a transcript of one of the prank calls received by Coach Couglin.  The following contains graphic language:

2:37 AM

Tom Coughlin: Hello?

Caller #1: (Yelling) HEY FAGGOT!  It’s Bill!

TC:  Bill?  Wait, Bill Belichick?

1: Of course, who’d ya think?  Congrats on beating the red team.

TC: Oh the Niners?  Yeah, they were a great team and I think our guys really showed…

1: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up.  I’m going to beat you in the superbowl, ball face!  Get it?  Your face looks like a pair of balls!

Caller #2: (Background) No No!  Tell him you’ll put your balls on his face.

1: (Background) Shut up, I got this, Mark!

TC: Am I on Speaker?  Is there someone else on the line?

1: O shit, um yeah!  Of course, Brady is hear with me.  We like kissing each other (Laughter)

TC: O Ok…?

2: And we like touching butts.

1:  (Laughter) Yeah, I forgot about that.  We touch our butts together all the time.  And watch “Twilight” movies.

2: (Snorts something) Holy Shit!  That’s so gay!  Brady and Belichick are gay!  Why would they do that?

TC: Ok, well I’m going to go now.  I have to watch film…

1: Wait, quick question-

(Click)

Gun to my head, I totally would.

2:51 AM

TC: Hello?

1: It’s gay Bill again!  I said I had a question!

TC: I don’t think this is Bill-

1: Shut up.  Marry Fuck Kill- Gandalf, Mr. Miyagi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  GO!

TC: Wait what the Hell?!

1: Don’t think, just answer!

2: Rex, he knows!  Hang up!

TC: Wait, Rex!?  Is that you?!  Cut this out NOW!

1: If you don’t marry Gandalf, you’re a faggot!

(Click)

Aww, what are you gonna cry, Baby? Cry for me, Baby, CRY!

3:26 AM

TC: Rex, I swear to God I’ll go public with this.

1: You’re so old.  You’re going to die soon!

TC: Don’t say that.

1: You probably smell old.  Old, smelly, sooner dead guy!

TC: I’m hanging up, Rex.

1: FUCK!  I just want to win a Superbowl.  Fucking people are making fun of me.  You’re making fun of me.

TC: I’m not making fun of you, Rex.

1: Yes you are!  You and everyone else is being mean and I hate it.  It’s not my fault; It’s the offense.  Sanchez, Schottenheimer, Burress.  I hate them all!

TC: Hey, come on now, cut that out.  We’re not all being mean to you.

1: (Sobbing and snorting) I don’t want to be couch anymore…Sancehz is a poop head.

TC: Stop that.  Come on, Rex.  Listen, I promise I’ll defend you and the Jets if you please stop calling me tonight.

1: You…You would do that?

TC: I promise.

1: Wow…thanks Tom.  You know what I just realized?

TC: What’s that?

1: You probably can’t have sex because your dick is so old and wrinkly.

TC: You’re an asshole.

1: Old Dick! Old Dick! Old Dick!

(Click)

ERIC MANGINI EDITED OUT OF CLASSIC SOPRANOS EPISODE

Eric Magini, former head coach of the New York Jets and Cleveland Browns, will no longer be a part of the Soprano family.  Mangini appeared in the penultimate episode of the revered HBO series, where Tony Soprano took it upon himself to “go say hello” to the “Mangenius” during a family dinner in Artie Bucco’s restaurant (editor’s note: Mangini was not whacked.  Tony said hello for real.  The writer has been reprimanded for his vague prose). 

David Chase, creator of the series, said that the scene will not be cut from future airings, but will instead be remastered.  “Mangini isn’t the Jets coach anymore,’ said Chase.  ‘With updates in technology, there’s no reason to compromise on my original vision, which is to keep the Sopranos a realistic depiction of the New Jersey mob.  And making sure our sports references are up to date is key to that vision.”

A deal is in the works for current Jets coach Rex Ryan to take Mangini’s place, and actors John Ventimiglia, Edie Falco, and James Gandolfini will be brought in to reprise their roles.  The Vesuvio’s set will be rebuilt at Long Island City’s Silver Cup Studios, and the entire Sopranos crew will be brought back.  The entire writing staff (excluding Matthew Weiner, who is busy with some sixties soap opera starring the dumb, good looking guy without hands from 30 Rock) is being reassembled to come up with a nickname for Bucco to call Ryan.  Any references to feet are being shelved, as the experienced writing crew doesn’t want to go for “the easy shit.”

When asked if he would undergo the same process when a new Jets coach is hired, Chase responded, “Absolutely.  Now fuck off,” before slamming the door on this writer’s fingers.  The remastered version of The Blue Comet will air in March on HBO 2.

MARK SANCHEZ CAN’T EVEN LOSE RIGHT

The New York media is pouncing all over Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, who seemingly cannot even lose correctly anymore.  The Jets decidedly beat the Buffalo Bills 27-11 to tie for the division lead yesterday with Sanchez going 20 / 28 with 230 yards. “Let’s make it clear: the Jets suck,” said NY Times sports columnist and multiple heart attack survivor Bryan Simmons, “we all knew the Jets would lose and look what that idiot does! He plays well? That’s not Mark Sanchez!”

Journalism

Even Rex Ryan admitted he was stunned: “we were ready to throw this one in the loss column. I kept calling short run plays and out passes, but he made it work. Shame.” Sanchez was not available for interviews during post game, but was seen sulking in the corner after hearing hordes of New York media members screaming his name in anger.

“He sucks! HE SUCKS!” said William Jenkins, NY Post, “we all know he sucks, so he wins…. and it doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t win football games, he is bad. Even in winning he did something wrong!” Added Rachel Wilson, NY Sludge, “the New york media doesn’t make this stuff up. We know he cannot be a good QB. It has been decided.”

Sanchez was last seen fleeing to his car in the parking lot; dozens of reporters threw projectiles such as cups, microphones and tridents.

He just threw a touchdown pass in OT.

– Mike Sweeney

JAMES DOLAN HIRES ERIC MANGINI

Take a look at my FINGER!

Knicks owner James Dolan has hired Eric Mangini as head of the New York Knicks. Dolan cited Mangini’s experience coaching in New York when he was with Jets, his years under defensive mastermind Bill Belichick and his no nonsense approach to coaching football. “All these things should make the Knicks a better basketball team,” said an enthusiastic and sober(?) Dolan.

Dolan thinks Mangini can reinvigorate Carmelo Anthony and really get the best out of Dikembe Mutumbo. Mutumbo, of course, is the legendary center who is currently retired and last played for the Knicks in 2003. When asked if he knew this, Dolan claims he has no idea who Mutumbo is and firmly denied ever talking about him. Dolan then reminded the crowd that JD and the Straight Shot have an upcoming gig and they “totally need to be there! Say my name at the door and tickets are half off!”

Mangini elaborated that he’s honored to coach this franchise and lead them to the playoffs. Bill Belichick heard the news this morning and is currently lobbying to be Boston Celtics coach just to “kick Mangini’s fat ass.”

– Mike Sweeney

BART SCOTT, CALVIN PACE ROSHAMBO FOR CHICKEN

The competitive juices did not stop flowing Tuesday morning as the New York Jets hit the catering tent after practice.  Linebackers Bart Scott and Calvin Pace, both known as fierce gridiron combatants, went up for thirds and found there was one single, solitary piece of Chicken Marsala left.  Scott claimed that it belonged to him, as he had arrived in line first.  Pace thought otherwise, touting his tackling prowess in that morning’s scrimmage had been superior, and thus the chicken should be his.  A stalemate ensued.

A compromise was proposed by back up guard Caleb Schlauderaff.  The Utah graduate, a bright young lad, suggested that the two feuding footballers should roshambo for the last piece of mushroom covered fowl.* Scott and Pace agreed that this would be a decisive course of action, and a coin flip would precede the melee.  Starting fullback John Conner retrieved a quarter from his jersey, and Scott called tails as the coin did a pirouette in the air.  It landed tails, and Pace took the golden opportunity to call first kick.  Scott braced himself for impact as Pace reared back his size 12 Reebok cleat in anticipation.  The opening salvo was at hand.

There would be no return fire.  Scott collapsed to the ground in immense pain, and screamed for the team doctor.  The medical staff rushed to his side, called for the cart, and escorted him to the locker room.  Pace, pleased with himself, reached for a new plate and fork, as some of Scott’s spittle had landed on his previous set.

Pace did not finish the chicken, as he diagnosed himself as too full three quarters into the filet.  Scott will be out 6 to 8 weeks.

– Chris Bacarella

RYAN TWINS FIGHT; FEAR CLONING

Talk about family feud. During a pre-season matchup between the New York Jets and Dallas Cowboys, Jets head coach Rex Ryan assaulted Cowboys defensive coordinator and brother Rob Ryan fearing he was a clone. Rex claims he saw Rob coming and “knew in my bones he was a d***bag clone!” Rex threw a water bottle at Rob and the two continued to roll around the floor urging reporters to “shoot the other one! He’s the fake!”

Can They Both Be The Evil Twin?

The situation was resolved once both participated in the mirror test and were able to independently control their actions. This has been the first such cloning argument since the completion of the lockout.

– Mike Sweeney