Tim Tebow, at rest.
And with a heave of his mighty spear and a cry that shook the bones of death himself, the golden child vanquished his foe, and put an end to the malevolent one’s quest of world domination.
But this isn’t a homeric retelling of Broncos’ quarterback Tim Tebow’s 80+ yard overtime throw to Damaryius Thomas. This actually happened. With an actual spear.
As previously reported on This Is the Sports, a strangeness has beset the NFL, particularly the AFC teams, beginning last August with mysterious attacks on AFC South starting quarterbacks. No one knew what to make of these occurances until late Tuesday night, when a great hue a cry rose over the Ohio Valley. The team flight from Denver to Boston for this weekend’s divisional playoff game against the New England Patriots was laid over due to “strange lights in the sky.” But Tebow alone amongst the passengers understood– this was the call.
Unbeknownst to his Bronco teammates, Tebow slipped out of the airport and met up with Commander Oeikann, exalted Seraph of the Century Order by the Grace of Elohim. Oeikann was an angel. The only witness to their conversation was Billy, a poor 7-year-old from a broken home who longs for adventure. “The angel said, ‘Come young warrior Tebow, for you know what you must do. We will fly to Pittsopolis, and it is there where you must lead the armies of heaven in battle against the dark wizard….. Ravenstahl.'”
“They said that they’d bring me along to bear witness,” Billy recounted in our interview, as his eyes predictably filled with wonder.
In a flash, Billy says, the trio was in downtown Pittsburgh, under dark skies intermittently streaked with red lightning and shaken by peals of thunder. “There was deep, evil laugh,” Billy says, and slowly, hordes of smoke-breathing demons with hearts as black as coal began to swarm around us. ‘Foolish boy,’ it said, ‘your meddling has lead you to your end!'” This was the voice of Ravenstahl, the evil wizard and current mayor of Pittsburgh. Tebow, now dressed in the cloth and armor of a poor shepherd boy, spoke. “Ravenstahl! I am but a humble boy, born in the Philippines to parents who love the Lord and despair of violence and evil. But if I must…. I will vanquish thee.” “Do your worst, Boy,” Billy said Ravenstahl sneered, “…you will but soil my cloak.” To which Tebow replied, “Oh yeah? …’Preciate that.” He then raised his left hand. “In the name of God the Father, El-Shaddai, Alpha and Omega, who said to Moses, ‘I AM THAT I AM’,” Tebow is reported to have said, “I humbly cry– armies of heaven, come forth!”
What followed, Billy said, was a sound like no other. Indescribable, filling the child with the warmest feeling imaginable, “like instantly getting 100 likes when you post something on facebook.” Down from the sky the Seraphim descended, marching behind Tebow. The battle raged, splintering time, until, as described above, Tebow threw his shining spear and brought Ravenstahl to his knees. Within seconds, U.S. Steel issued a press release announcing the creation of 100,000 American jobs.
Neither Tebow nor the Broncos had any comment. But there is no deception in the eyes of a child. No matter what the score of the Broncos’ next game against New England, Tebow’s got another fan for life. “The coolest part,” Billy said, “was that the spear didn’t even kill Ravenstahl. It just knocked him down. But Tebow walked up to him and was like, ‘I beseech thee–repent, and kneel before the one true God.'”
And he did.
—Rony Josaphat, humble troubadour and bard of the adventures of Tim Tebow.