TEBOW, JETS, REX, FEET, SANCHIZE….

Tim Tebow’s trade to the Jets, Sexy Rexy Ryan’s locker room rounded shit show, has created too much.  It is almost a gift from the comedy gods.  Or a curse.  It literally makes no football sense.  It makes only media circus sense.  Everyone hates him.  Everyone loves him.  We could not figure out how to cover this… so here’s our attempt:

REX RYAN NAMES EVERY WILDCAT PLAY AFTER PORN STARS

TEBOW BEGS REX RYAN TO STOP LICKING HIM

JETS HOPE TEBOW CAN MOTIVATE SANCHEZ TO COMPLETE 40% OF HIS PASSES

SANCHEZ RELIEVED TO KNOW BACKUP QB IS “DEFINITELY WORSE THAN ME”

JETS CUT EVERY RECEIVER

NEW YORK MEDIA GIVES UP ON SOURCES, WILL WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT

JETS EXPECT PUNTING, LOTS OF PUNTING

UUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

TEBOW MEETS JETS FANS, GIVES UP ON RELIGION

REX RYAN FORCES TEBOW TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES

NEW YORK MEDIA FIRST TO EVER HAVE SEX WITH TEBOW

TEBOW KEEPS WINKING AND SMILING, REPULSING JETS FANS

REX RYAN GOES TO TEBOW’S CHARITY EVENT “TO GET PUSSY”

TEBOW REPLACES SANCHEZ AS NEW YORK’S WORST PASSER AND ELI AS DUMBEST GUY WHO ALWAYS SMILES

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MANNING-GATE: BRONCOS CLAIM THEY “NEVER LIKED TEBOW”

The Denver Broncos are trying to lure in free agent quarterback Peyton Manning despite having QB sensation Tim Tebow.  “Tebow? Seriously, come on. We never really liked him,” said team Preisdent John Elway.  Added Head Coach John Fox: “I never wanted to play Tebow in the first place.  They made me.  They like Tebow.  I like Peyton. Even before he was a free agent I said we should sign him.”

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll..."

The Broncos made it to the AFC Divisional round and lost to the Devil-worshipping Patriots 45-10 behind Tebow’s unconventional throwing motion and accuracy problems.  Team officials and fans all swore behind the Tebow’s “leadership skills and magic” that made them so great.  “I don’t ever want another quarterback!” said John Fox in November.

“I don’t remember that, you misquoted me… never happened but you misquoted me,” said John Fox this morning.

Manning said he will consider all offers before signing.  The Broncos say they are prepared to cut Tebow or worse.

TEBOW FORGIVES BRADY QUINN

Broncos starting quarterback Tim Tebow has officially forgiven backup QB Brady Quinn for controversial comments the latter made about The Tebow earlier this week.  In a recent GQ article, three Quinn quotes reflected negative pinions of Sir Tim, especially questioning his humility.  But He Who Is Tebow is not deterred.

At a press conference explaining his remarks, Quinn said he felt misrepresented in the article, when a bright light broke through.  Mr. Tebow solemnly entered, nay… floated…. through a cloud of smoke.  But no one feared, they were calm.

Tebow approached the podium where Quinn, the NFL’s best backup QB to come from Notre Dame, stood in disbelief.  “What sorcery is this?” questioned a skeptical Qunn.

Dr. Tebow, Esq. offered his hands to Quinn in forgiveness.  The backup QB was brought to tears and fell to his knees.  Tebow, He Who is Quarterback, lifted his teammate and told him to “rise.”  Then, in an act of brilliance and forgiveness, Tebow TEBOWED in front of Quinn.

Thou Art Tebes spoke without a microphone, yet all could hear him,* and they understood the two are teammates and nothing could drive a wedge between them.

*Like all of Denver could hear him.  It was weird.  

Quinn  ended the press conference by saying he believes n Tebow and will never betray him again.  Thine Tebow responded “FUCK NO YA WON’T!” and lit Quinn on fire.

Never ignite the arsonist wrath of Holy Tebow May He Live Forever.

TEBOW CANNOT UNDERSTAND LOSS

So why was Tebow the role model again?In an odd scene outside the Denver Broncos practice facility, Denver quarterback Tim Tebow met with the press upbeat and ready for his upcoming playoff game against the New England Patriots.  “You dream about these games all your life and when you get the chance to play in them, you just want to go out there and give it your all,” said a smiling Tebow.  When asked about the Broncos 45-10 loss against New England this past weekend, Tebow appeared to be confused, “Coach Fox said that was just a scrimmage.  And good thing it was; I played pretty awful in it.  We’ll shake it off and get ready to make some adjustments for when we get them again this weekend.”

“Honestly, management felt it was best if Tim didn’t know that we got knocked out of the playoffs,” said Denver Head Coach, John Fox, “We were afraid that if he lost, there could be a chance of him denouncing his religion, getting into meth and crack, and being found somewhere dead, with hookers, or with dead hookers.  The NFL has a great star in Tim Tebow; we didn’t want to be the reason for his supernova.”

Tom Brady is a great QB, but I feel like that I’m just as good on the football field,” continued Tebow when asked about the Patriots, “I mean, when you watch Sportscenter, they show highlights of me all the time.  That has to tell you something about my football playing ability.”  Broncos owner and former player John Elway will be giving the annual state of franchise speech this Wednesday.  When asked about the Tebow playoff contingency plan, Elway was vague in his answer.  “Right now, we’re going to try and keep Tim in the film room preparing for this weekend.  We have some ideas for how to approach the situation: telling him that Jesus won the Superbowl, telling him that the Superbowl was cancelled and every NFL team will do community service, using a neuralyzer and creating a new memory for him.  Whatever we do, it’s in the best interest of the league to make sure he doesn’t find out that he sucks.”

625,790 PEOPLE SWEAR THEY’LL MURDER SKIP BAYLESS IN 2012

Hundreds of thousands of Americans claim their New Year’s Resolution is to find and murder ESPN commentator Skip Bayless.  These people are forced to listen to Bayless’ controversial opinions, rants and tweets.  Bayless consistently accuses LeBron James of being overrated, Tim Tebow is the second coming and wrote Troy Aikman was gay.  Apparently, 625,790 people have had enough.

This breaks the previous record of resolution-homicide held by Osama Bin Ladin, Bernie Madoff and that waitress who you could’ve sworn was flirting with you but turns out she has a boyfriend, some guy named Eric who’s in law school on scholarship, probably cheating on her all the time because he just looks like the kinda guy who’d do that…

We hope all the people reach this year’s resolution.  Or at least one of you does.

Charles Barkely is already looking like the front runner.

TIM TEBOW DEFEATS PITTSBURGH MAYOR/DARK WIZARD LUKE RAVENSTAHL

Tim Tebow, at rest.

And with a heave of his mighty spear and a cry that shook the bones of death himself, the golden child vanquished his foe, and put an end to the malevolent one’s quest of  world domination.

But this isn’t a homeric retelling of Broncos’ quarterback Tim Tebow’s 80+ yard overtime throw to Damaryius Thomas.   This actually happened.  With an actual spear.

As previously reported on This Is the Sports, a strangeness has beset the NFL, particularly the AFC teams, beginning last August with mysterious attacks on AFC South starting quarterbacks.  No one knew what to make of these occurances until late Tuesday night, when a great hue a cry rose over the Ohio Valley.  The team flight from Denver to Boston for this weekend’s divisional playoff game against the New England Patriots was laid over due to “strange lights in the sky.”  But Tebow alone amongst the passengers understood– this was the call.

Unbeknownst to his Bronco teammates, Tebow slipped out of the airport and met up with Commander Oeikann, exalted Seraph of the Century Order by the Grace of Elohim.  Oeikann was an angel. The only witness to their conversation was Billy, a poor 7-year-old  from a broken home who longs for adventure. “The angel said, ‘Come young warrior Tebow, for you know what you must do.  We will fly to Pittsopolis, and it is there where you must lead the armies of heaven in battle against the dark wizard….. Ravenstahl.'”

"CREEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"

“They said that they’d bring me along to bear witness,” Billy recounted in our interview, as his eyes predictably filled with wonder.

In a flash, Billy says, the trio was in downtown Pittsburgh, under dark skies intermittently streaked with red lightning and shaken by peals of thunder.  “There was deep, evil laugh,” Billy says, and slowly, hordes of smoke-breathing demons with hearts as black as coal began to swarm around us.  ‘Foolish boy,’ it said, ‘your meddling has lead you to your end!'”  This was the voice of Ravenstahl, the evil wizard and current mayor of Pittsburgh.  Tebow, now dressed in the cloth and armor of a poor shepherd boy, spoke.  “Ravenstahl! I am but a humble boy, born in the Philippines to parents who love the Lord and despair of violence and evil.  But if I must…. I will vanquish thee.”  “Do your worst, Boy,”  Billy said Ravenstahl sneered, “…you will but soil my cloak.”   To which Tebow replied, “Oh yeah?  …’Preciate that.”  He then raised his left hand.  “In the name of God the Father, El-Shaddai, Alpha and Omega, who said to Moses, ‘I AM THAT I AM’,” Tebow is reported to have said, “I humbly cry– armies of heaven, come forth!”

(Unintelligible)

What followed, Billy said, was a sound like no other.  Indescribable, filling the child with the warmest feeling imaginable, “like instantly getting 100 likes when you post something on facebook.”  Down from the sky the Seraphim descended, marching behind Tebow.  The battle raged, splintering time, until, as described above, Tebow threw his shining spear and brought Ravenstahl to his knees.  Within seconds, U.S. Steel issued a press release announcing the creation of 100,000 American jobs.

Neither Tebow nor the Broncos had any comment.  But there is no deception in the eyes of a child.  No matter what the score of the Broncos’ next game against New England, Tebow’s got another fan for life.  “The coolest part,” Billy said, “was that the spear didn’t even kill Ravenstahl.  It just knocked him down.  But Tebow walked up to him and was like, ‘I beseech thee–repent, and kneel before the one true God.'”

And he did.

Rony Josaphat, humble troubadour and bard of the adventures of Tim Tebow.

RACIST MEDIA THINKS CAM NEWTON IS “DUMB THUG” FOR NOT KNOWING THEY ARE RACIST

The mainstream media thinks Carolina Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton is a “dumb thug” for not knowing they are racist.  Weeks ago, when asked if he thinks the mainstream media is racist against him, Newton said “I blameJaMarcus Russell and to some degree Vince Young. If you have the opportunity to make that kind of money doing something you love to do, why would you screw it up? I’m trying to be a trailblazer.”

Stunning.

Look at that smile. Bet he has a gun on him.

“Only a thug idiot wouldn’t realize how racist we are,” said NY Daily News reporter Mike Lupica, “he clearly did not use his education in school.”

ESPN’s Rick Reilly added, “he’s in the ESPN NEXT issue.  NEXT!  He broke the rookie passing and rushing touchdown records and all we talk is white, perfect, beautiful Tim Tebow and he sucks!”

Newton barely spoke to the media all season, a sign seen as being “thuggish” and “stupid.”  Now he opens his mouth and won’t even acknowledge the clear racism in mainstream sports media?  What a thug.

Ed Note: THASS RAYCISS!!