NEW HD CAMERAS SEE INSIDE SOUL

Sony has developed a new HD camera designed specifically for sports intended to revolutionize the sports viewing experience.  The HD SS-3000 Vex* will be introduced in the NBA and NHL Playoffs to see if fans respond.  “These cameras are the future,” said Sony Tech Wizard Tom Gray.  “The modern viewer has 24/7 sports networks and thousands of blogs disecting every second of the play, now you can witness the player’s thoughts and feelings as it happens.”

*The Hi-Def Soul Searcher 3000 (third generation) Vex (means nothing just added some “pishaw!”). 

The camera views and records each athletes emotions and thoughts as plays form.  “We intentionally separated ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’ into two different categories.  ‘Thoughts’ will show what the player is cognitively assessing, like how much further until I reach the rim.  ‘Feelings’ allow fans to be there emotionally with their favorite players driving down the lane.”

The cameras were used for a test audience during the recent Heat-Lakers game.  Fans got to watch in a private booth, provided by Sony, and watch the game through their patented HD SS Gogglometers, a high tech eye wear piece designed to help view the deepest darkest, most hidden corners of their favorite players.  Some of the highlights included:

• Seeing how scared Dwyane Wade was every time Kobe Bryant approached him.
• Derek Fisher’s insatiable desire to have a slice of pizza the entire game.
• LeBron seeing himself dressed as Captain America whenever he dunks.
• What really happened in that hotel room in Colorado in 2003.

The only setback was two Gogglometers exploding while trying to dissect Metta World Peace.

However, the experiment was a resounding success.  Fans felt closer to the game, almost “ghost-like… a higher being,” according to Stan Perkins, who rubbed his mustache giggling before driving off in his windowless van.

Sports commentators are very excited to find out how this changes the debate world.  Now analysts can confirm which players lack “heart” and are “not all there” in ways never before seen.  Who is clutch?  Who let his team down?  What did he do last night at that night club?  Who’s biggest in the shower?  Essential questions.  Now with answers.

Sony is currently developing new systems to use the cameras with scripted dramas and sitcoms; it will have two modes allowing soul searching of the actor or the character being portrayed.  It is still struggling with “really good actors” such as Dexter’s Michael C Hall and Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burruss.

Amazing defense by LeBron! Why is he thinking about water? NO HEART!

BRYANT, DURANT, GRIFFIN CAUGHT IN “HANGOVER” SITUATION BEFORE GAME

Western Conference head coach Scott Brooks got a call an hour before the NBA’s All Star Game yesterday: it was Kobe Bryant.  “Tom?” said a bloodied and exhausted Kobe.  “Where the hell are you guys?  We have the All Star Game in an hour!”  screamed the coach.

“Yeah,” said the Lakers star, “that’s not gonna happen.”

The night before the All Star Game, hot headed cool guy Kobe Bryant, timid and whipped Kevin Durant, goldenboy and fan favorite Steve Nash, and self-proclaimed wild card Blake Griffin, all went out for a few drinks.  

Bryant: Let’s go out and celebrate. Just one drink!  And don’t let any of this get back to my wife!

Durant:  Didn’t she leave you for cheating on her years ago?

Awkward pause.

Kobe:  Guess it’s cool, hey call the maid in here!

The four go to the roof top. 

Nash: hey guys, just want to say this is likely my last All Star Game and I’m glad I’m spending it with…

Griffin: SCUSE ME I TALK NOW.

Does this look like an idiot to you? Also: GOLDBLUM SIGHTING!

Griffin awkwardly mumbles through his speech from the Kia commercials while only occasionally needing to read his index cards.  

Bryant: all right guys, let’s go out….

YOU ALL SAW THE FUCKING HANGOVER AND THE SHIT SEQUEL THEY DRINK AND WAKE UP IN A PILE OF SHIT WITHOUT STEVE NASH.  

Durant: Oh shit, I got a tattoo!  Russell Westbrook’s gonna be so pissed.  He’s gonna get one just like it only bigger and more obnoxious!

Bryant: We need to find Steve!  Check your pockets!

Bryant has 6 poo covered condoms, Griffin can’t figure out why his shorts “got holes in the sides!” and Durant finds 50 text messages from Greg Oden.  They go to the hospital.  Greg Oden lies in a hospital bed with two doctors performing surgery on each knee.  

Oden: You don’t remember? You were here last night!

Bryant/Durant/Griffin: SAY WHA?

Oden: Yeah, Kobe got his face beat in by Dwyane Wade and suffered a concussion.  And Blake drank a carton of milk he found in the street.

Griffin: DA MILK GOOD YUMMY TIME.

Oden: Exactly, look you need to find Nash.  Maybe check Mike Tyson’s house or just get hit by a random car.

They check Mike Tyson’s house.  Hilarious, but no dice.  He and Kobe get in a long discussion about how important the word ‘allegedly’ is.  Blake finds and fights a tiger.  No one knows how or why he did this but he calls it Kendrick Perkins and dunks on it.  Heather Graham shows her boobs.  

They leave and get hit by a car.  

Durant: WE JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!

Ken Jeong’s Penis: Hey guys! LOOK AT ME! I’m Linsane!

He eats Ben and Jerry’s Linsanity ice cream with the fortune cookie still inside.  

Ken Jeong’s Penis: You want to see your friend again?  Meet me in the middle of the desert.  And bring $50,000!

They all pull $50,000 out of their pockets.  

Ken Jeong’s Penis: Okay, here he is!

Out comes Charles Barkley.  

Charles Barkley: I’m not Steve Nash!  This is turrble!

Mike Tyson and Kendrick Perkins Tiger attack and kill Ken Jeong’s Linsane Penis and Charles Barkley.  Bryant calls Scott Brooks.  Like from before.  You read it two seconds ago I am not copying and pasting it here.

Griffin: I ‘MEMBER WITH MY BRAINPARTS STEVE NASH IS ON ROOF!

Steve Nash sleeps on the roof.  They all find him.

Bryant: What are you doing here?

Nash: All Canadians sleep outside!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Durant: THE GAME!

The play in the Game.  West wins.  Kobe’s face is smashed by Wade.  Durant wins MVP.  Blake slice sopen his hand with a knife.  They all try to do this again in a year, basically the exact same way only grosser, and fail miserably disappointing everyone. Mike Tyson dances!

BIRD: “I’D RATHER PLAY BLOCKS WITH KOBE”

Hall of famer and basketball icon Larry Bird admitted that he would rather spend recess with Lakers guard Kobe Bryant than the Miami Heat’s LeBron James.  Bird answered rather candidly saying “if I was an infant regularly spitting up vomit on myself and rolling in my feces, I’d rather it be with Kobe.”

He continued: “Kobe provides the best chance to win and win and win in Lego wars.  Can LeBron promise that?  Can he guarantee he won’t start eating pieces in the fourth quarter of recess?  Can he smash a space ship toy against the ground without another star to help him?”

LeBron responded: “it’s easy to make me a target.  Anytime a bead goes up someone’s nose it is

Miss Teacher there's icky on my face!

LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone falls off the castle it is LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone rolls off the mat during nap time it is LeBron’s fault.  I.  Don’t.  Wike. It!”

Bird is known for aggressive taunts and spitting during play times.  Many called this “dirty playing” while others attributed it to the former Celtic’s competitiveness.

LeBron, Kobe and Bird all sought each other out after finger painting and got into a heated screaming match before passing out from all that exertion.  Yes they did, yes they did those cute widdle guys!

How this man was ever accepted in Boston I will never know

KOBE DEMANDS TRADE FOR MORE KOBES

Lakers guard Kobe Bryant demanded the Lakers trade for more Kobes this season.  “I’m only one man, one Kobe,” said the irritable guard.  “You think one Kobe can win the Western Conference?  Of course he can.  Canone Kobe win a championship?  Of course he can.  He already won five.  But imagine two Kobes.  Now three?  They could win a championship in space.  Space!”

Kobe has long sought to have more space championships than longtime rival and current TNT analysts Shaquille O’Neal.

Los Angeles is in a troubling position: seeking out more available Kobes would require quite the coup and possibly gutting their current team.  “I’m ready to scour the globe for more Kobes,” added Bryant.  “I know there’s another out there.  And if he is, I could beat him.  What? You think because I want more Kobes I ain’t good enough? More Kobes makes this team go from great to greater. I’m still Kobe Bryant, not some Kobe Bryant.  I could beat any Kobe.”

Kobe immediately ran on to the court and took seventy eight shots.

ALEX OVECHKIN RAPS

Between the lack of Tebow, Kobe Bryant’s divorce and Gina Carano now punching men, the NHL is a little bit ignored.  The NHL has always been at best the red headed step child and at worst the dumpster baby of the sports, but every now and then good ol’ hockey steps up big and gives us this:

Starts at the 2:55 mark.

Yep.  Alex Ovechkin rapping.

His verse:

Alumni of Dynamo
8 on the back.
In the All-Star game all attention is on me.

On the NatTeam since 17
Scored 100 points in a season
Gold medal in Canada in ’08

Among the ten best players of the decade,
Stick in my hands, Rap in my headphones,
Saying hello from Washington,
Together with Sanya Belyi,
For every champion

[And then a bizarre sound that sounds like the English words “Look out!”]

“Among the best players of the decade”!!!!  Eh yo, eh yo, all the bitches looking at me, sucking my dick as I am perhaps one of the more talented players in the league. Definitely top 5 but if you think top 10 I’d like to hear your argument but at the end of the day I respect your decision! BITCH!!!

Basically Ovechkin read his wikipedia page and used some bullet points in a rap song.  Glorious.

LOCKOUT: KOBE PLAYS IN PARK, DEMANDS 25 MILLION

Kobe Bryant shot around in a local Los Angeles park for a few minutes before demanding “his hard earned 25 mill.”  Onlookers and local players stared at the superstar confused, only upon seeing his Kobe Face did they realize Bryant was serious.  “Kobe is The Lakers,” said Bryant’s agent Rob Pelinka.  “He’s earned that money by being in that park and warming up for seven to eight minutes.  Plus he’ll hit me if I don’t get the money.”

Local grocer Anthony King said “I’m not sure what we’re supposed to pay him with.  Most of us are here because we work part time or are unemployed.” Bryant continued his demands and even settled by going through numerous players’ pockets collecting change and a few singles in the process, adding up to $17.82.  Bryant threw a fit and demanded his entire team (skins) be traded back to shirts.  He also requested to change pinnies to a different number.  The onlookers continued in confusion and thought it best to ignore the superstar; the tactic worked.  Bryant watched for a few moments, yelled, waved his hands and eventually gave up after knocking over a child’s ice cream cone.

"I WANT MY MONEY!"

Bryant bought a loaf of bread from a nearby Vons and demanded $180,000 for the performance.

SHAQ’S NEW BOOK CONTAINS BIG BOY SENTENCES

Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.

Excerpts:

“When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

“Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

“Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

“Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney

KOBE GOING TO ITALY; PLAYING RIGHT INTO OWNERS’ HANDS

Victoria Secret's New Line

Kobe Bryant announced the possibility of playing professional basketball in Italy during the NBA lockout. Upon hearing this, the owners creepily rubbed their hands together saying “excellant…. yesssss.” When asked what they were so happy about they replied “oh us? Haha…. nothing.” Then they snickered in the corner eventually turning into a full on boastful laugh.

“Soon,” they all muttered together, “soooooon….”

Weird.

– Mike Sweeney

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