OMAR LITTLE SENT TO FIND SAINTS’ ‘SNITCH’

The New Orleans Saints have contracted local badass Omar Little to find out who snitched on their bounty program.  Little, a man known for getting answers and carrying a shotgun, has worked with many franchises before for internal investigations.  “We are currently trying to find answers on our end,” said Saints coach Sean Payton.  “We believed Mr. Little can provide a valuable service.  His reputation speaks for itself with his involvement taking down the Barksdale organization, a substantial service taking down the Stanfield organization, obliterating the Wilson organ…” “I ain’t had nothing to do with that,” interrupted Little.  Payton, and everyone, stared at Omar confused and concerned.

“Continue.”

"Jonathan Vilma? We need to have a little talking to."

An NFL investigation alleges the Saints were involved in a bounty program; financial rewards were given to defensive players who hurt opposing players, including possibly ending the careers of Kurt Warner and the first ever Tebow, Brett Favre.  Little has been seen whistling through the Saints facilities searching for those who may have ‘snitched’ on the organization.  He allegedly snuck into the locker room dressed as a janitor, revealing the mop to be a shotgun and demanded answers from several special teams members.

Allegedly.*

*Unrelated: Saints special teams player Byron Tate was recently shot in the leg in the team’s locker room.  

Little refused to disclose whether or not he had any answers or leads; he just stared at me.  Right in the eyes.  I peed… I urinated my pants when he looked at me…

The NFL has no problem with Little surveying the team, so long as he does not interfere with their own investigation.  Last time and NFL squad contacted Omar Little several Seattle Seahawks were involved in severe bribary scandals.*

*Never heard about that did you?  Oh, indeed.

Little wanted it to be known that his investigation will not be called “Omargate.”  When he decides on an appropriate suffix he will find us… who’s whistling?

NASCAR FANS OUTRAGED OVER GAY DALE JR. COMMERCIAL

Fans of popular NASCAR driver and Wrangler spokesman Dale Earnhardt, Jr. took to social media yesterday evening to voice their disgust over a new 30 second commercial that they describe as “Queerer than a 3 dollar bill“.  “Dem Wrangler people are a bunch of gay homos!  They thinking Little Dale likes men and stuff; he likes boobies and cooters! #88notgay” tweeted @nickelback4life.  #88notgay was the top trending topic as of 11 PM last evening on Twitter.  “We apologize if our most recent ad was seen as offensive by some of Mr. Earnhardt’s supporters,” said Eric Wiseman, CEO of Wrangler International, “We were attempting to reach a demographic that we felt was overlooked with our previous ad campaigns.  In no way were we trying to bring negative attention to our product or alienate our current customer base.”

How could this pose be seen as gay?

The 30 second ad takes place in a dance club with multiple males dancing to “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge.  All of the dancers are wearing some form of Wrangler Jean product, although some alterations were made in order to create jean shorts or “Jorts“.  The camera pans to a shirtless Dale Jr. in skin tight jeans, drinking a Fuzzy Navel at the bar.  “I’m comfortable in my own skin.  Sometimes, I like going to the local bar and dancing with just guys.  It’s not gay yet, but we’ll see what happens.  I think the bartender put an extra shot of peach schnapps in here; total Zac Efron look-a-like!!  I’m comfortable in Wrangler…Guns and Budweiser suck!”  Marketing experts believe that the last line is the reason why so many fans our upset with the commercials content.

Totally just went 6 to Midnight...

“This is a great moment for NASCAR,” exclaimed Brian France, CEO of NASCAR “The outrage over Dale’s new commercial will completely overshadow how awful of a spectator sport we produce.  Our goal for the 2012 season is to increase the amount of off-the-track issues from last year and direct all of our media attention to them.  2012 couldn’t have started on a better note in our eyes.”

Despite public outcry, Wrangler Jeans says that it will continue the commercial in all media markets and is already filming another controversial ad with former NFL quarterback Brett Favre.  Little is known about the contents of the ad, but sources have confirmed that it will be marketed towards Hipsters, Apple Users, and other “Artistic, but not successful Artistic so they are just unemployed and annoy most of the population” types.

YANKS TO ADD “MORE BIG NAMES” THIS OFF-SEASON

The New York Yankees off season began early this year and their plan is loud and clear: MORE BIG NAMES. The pinstripes plan on making a “more than generous” offer to anyone they have heard of; you got a name, you’re getting a check.”We’re going to give every free agent $12 million and then we can begin negotiations,” said aggressive GM Brian Cashman. “We want everyone to know we’re going to aggressive on the free agent front. Especially with stars this year.”

Aaaaaand HIGH FIVE!

Former rival and possible free agent (he has a club option) David Ortiz woke up Tuesday morning with $40,000 in singles lying in his bed. “All I saw was a pinstriped note saying ‘hey'” cited Ortiz. “It was kinda creepy.”

The Bronx Bombers won’t stop there: Cliff Lee has reportedly told the Yankees every day for the past month that he is not eligible for free agency this year. “We. Don’t. Care,” said president Randy Levine. “Cliff Lee will be a Yankee next season [Levine immediately stared into our reporter’s eyes] whether he likes it or not.”

Pitching is the number one priority for next season, which is why the Yanks have already sent formal offers, $12 million in cash and birthday cake to the homes of Mark Buehrle, Bruce Chen, Edwin Jackson, Rich Harden, Brett Favre and David Beckham.

– Mike Sweeney

FAVRE IMPERSONATOR GIVEN SWIFT JUSTICE

Police brutally assaulted a Brett Favre look-a-like outside Packers camp early this morning. Reports say while the police were “ninety percent sure” he was not Favre, they did not want to take any chances. The man in question is lifelong Packers fan Kirk Ermatinger. Ermatinger acknowledged the strained relationship between his team and their former QB, but defended his Favre jersey claiming “it’s the only one I own.”

"I'm sorry officer... Brett Who?"

Defensive back Anthony Bratton caught a glance of the fan but assumed it was a mirage. “I thought my mind was playing tricks with me. Must’ve been the heat.”

It was not until Ermatinger was caught on security cameras did law enforcement swoop in. The man was escorted from the facility and heavily questioned. While he had identification, officers at the scene confirmed it looked “flimsy at best.” The officers were ordered to take “zero leniency” and do “anything and everything necessary to eliminate number 4.”

Kinda like this only they all had cheeseheads on

Kirk Ermatinger was escorted by police to a nearby pond and shot twelve times. When Ermatinger survived the initial wounds, multiple officers finished him off citing: “Brett’s come back too many times. He’s like f***ing Jason or something.”

While the real Favre insists he is retired and Green Bay insists they have no need for another quarterback, security has been beefed up around the practice facility to keep the larger than life ex-QB out. Packers GM Ted Thompson encourages other teams to do the same.

Alright, stab the virgins on 2. Ready? Break!

Deadspin.com broke the initial story.

*Related: Brett Favre Rise 

– Mike Sweeney