THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

Ken Burns announces 11-part docuseries on Quidditch

The respected auteur best known for his acclaimed PBS Home Video series The Civil War and Baseball, as well as “The Ken Burns effect,” recently announced plans for a new docuseries charting the evolution of Quidditch from an airborne game played by the young wizards and witches in the beloved Harry Potter books, to an earthbound game played by America’s finest liberal arts undergraduates. “I feel like I barely scraped the surface of things in both Baseball and The Civil War,” said Burns in a statement issued earlier today on Deadline Hollywood. “The relatively short but rich history of American Quidditch will allow me to (fingers crossed) take a consummate look at Quidditch’s rapid ascent as one of the premiere dicking around games played by college students today.” Principle shooting is set begin at Middlebury College, at the start of the 2012-2013 school year. To date, the yet-to-be named project will feature the voice talents of Philip Bosco, Amy Madigan, Wallace Shawn, Bob Costas, Tilda Swinton, and James Earl Jones, with narration from Garrison Keillor.

Congratulations, Coach Summitt

Upon news of her pseudo-retirement, legendary Tennessee Lady Vols basketball coach Pat Summitt was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the country’s First Bastketball Fan. Summitt’s impact on the game has been inestimable, and there’s really nothing to say other than: Congratulations Coach, and thanks for all you’ve done.

*Graph brought to you by Microsoft Paint™ and the We Don’t Know How Graphs Work, Co.

TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

• To the surprise of absolutely no one and the notice of a very few, alumnae of the University of Connecticut dominated the women’s basketball roster for this year’s Olympics (The Olympics are coming! The Olympics are coming!). The Geno Auriemma-coached squad reportedly declined to be fitted for official Team USA jerseys, opting instead to “just stick with the colors that got us here,” according to the unapologetically stately-haired Auriemma.
• Jersey abandoner, 6-pack aficionado and all-around gal’s gal Brandi Chastain traded in her shin guards for a sand wedge at this past weekend’s Michael Jordan Celebrity Invitational. She and partner John Smoltz (Ret. P-Atlanta Braves) defeated other notable weekend-golfers such as former NBA Inside Stuff Main Man Ahmad Rashad, “The Office” (US Version) cast member Brian Baumgartner, and hockey wife and mother of five, Janet Jones-Gretzky. “It’s not about beating Michael,” Chastain said. Poppycock. Of course it’s about beating Michael! This is the sort of stuff great obituaries are made of. You go, girl.

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

• According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

• And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

CREEPERS MAKE LONG TRIP TO SOFTBALL SPRING TRAINING

Local creepers are packing their windowless vans and reserving their damp motel rooms to make it to softball spring training in Florida.  The nation’s creepers spent all winter growing out their fingernails, watching late night infomercials and drinking week old milk all while pining for the days of spring; now that softball season is about to begin, these creepers have a reason to go outside again.  “Mumble, grumble, mumble I like the game and the skirts, good to… in the… I like watching,” says creeping legend Abe.  Just Abe.

Just to save time most creepers use their mugshots as team photos

Creepers use this time to train for the upcoming softball season; many prepare their parking techniques on the side of the highway, arriving six hours early to a softball game, trying on new windbreaker jackets, and, of course, experimenting with new and innovative lensing.  “Most old timers stick with the classic binocular look,” says 47 creep up and comer Cody Lassater.  “But us young pups prefer telephoto lensing, some even use straight up telescopes. Those are the radicals changing this game.”

Others are experimenting with camouflage outfits, hiding low in the grass for a more “deep in shit” feel.

The new technology has elevated their game

Most creepers spend the off season getting some much needed relaxation before returning to training; but some take year round care of their minds and bodies.  “You always want to be able to… perform, so to speak,” says Wisconsin creeper Joseph Klinski.  “You got to creep year round.  Indoor soccer, local Y basketball, never want to let your swing get out of whack or binocular hold get tilted.  Always want to be ready to watch people perform at their best at your best.”

When asked what she thought of the creepers, University of Maryland centerfielder Kasey Horn said “um…”

Just then, Abe, Just Abe, parallel parked right into a parking meter, almost falling out of the car in embarrassment.  Even for the future hall of famers, it is only spring training.

One of the more... direct... vehicles

THE MADNESS: NCAA RUNS OUT OF BRACKETS

The NCAA sold a record 16 million brackets Sunday night and immediately sold out.  No more brackets will be available after a monster selection Sunday.  Fans are outraged and dissapointed they won’t be able to get any more brackets and be forced to watch March Madness without it.

“I hit refresh and refresh right at midnight and they were gone,” said a Kentucky fan.  “Now how can I enjoy the games?  Have you seen college basketball? ALL THEY DO IS PASS!!”

Usually a few brackets appear on ebay, Craigslist or other sites, but selling brackets second hand is illegal.  The NCAA has cracked down on scalping brackets rather strictly.

Any fans’ best bet is to try and call a radio station; many stations buy hundreds of tickets beforehand and give them away in contests.

THE MADNESS: ST. PETER’S ACCIDENTALLY GETS FACEBOOK INVITE TO NCAA TOURNEY

Best. Party. EVER!

St. Peter’s College was ecstatic this morning upon getting invited to the NCAA Tournament.  However, it was definitely an accident.  NCAA officials have confirmed when creating the guest list to the Dance they accidentally clicked St. Peters, and did not know how to tell the Jesuit University.

“Best case scenario they realize they don’t know anyone in the tournament and don’t show up.  Do you think they’ll come with a friend, like Loyola?”

St. Peters, sadly, is thrilled to finally go to a Dance with the popular kids.  “OMG! I have never even been in the same room as Syracuse,” said university officials.  Friend Manhattan College begged St. Peters to get them with, especially since “everyone there is gonna get laid!”

NCAA knows this yea’s March Madness will likely be one of the all time greats, regardless of St. Peters’ unintentional involvement.  “If they show up, fine, but they have to sit in the corner the entire time. They can’t talk with anyone,” said Duke University, throwing it’s arm over girlfriend Louisville and high fiving best bro UNC.

Official invite of the NCAA Tournament

MANNING-GATE: COLTS DRAFT ANDREW LUCK IN MIDDLE OF PEYTON’S FAREWELL SPEECH

The Indianapolis Colts officially drafted Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck in the middle of Peyton Manning’s farewell speech yesterday.  The Stanford QB is seen as a can’t miss prospect and potential franchise quarterback who can lead the team to multiple Super Bowls.

The scene was not without incident, however; unemployed, former SNL host Peyton Manning stood on the stage at the podium and had to forcibly removed.  He was violently detained for several hours to ensure the safety and health of Luck.

"I would just like to say BADURR and it's BADURR to BADURRRRRRR"

Owner Jim Irsay said he hopes to keep Luck in Indy “forever and ever!”

Manning’s glory days:

THE MADNESS: UCLA IS COOLEST TEAM EVER

UCLA has had a disasterous year on and off the court, but if this SI report is to be believed… UCLA IS THE COOLEST FUCKING PLACE EVER!!!

SI’s George Dohrmann broke the story that UCLA’s basketball program, which went to three straight Final Four ending in 2008, has fallen off the rails in recent years due to excessive partying, fighting and boozing, sometimes before practice.  Awesome.

Sure your friends can come over, no no I'll buy you beer... love me more

Oh this doesn’t fit in with John Wooden’s Pyramid of Success?  Well pyramids were built by enslaved Jews.  Who’s the real bad guy?

The report paints head coach Ben Howland as someone aware of the situation but unable or unwilling to control it; meaning he is the cool dad who lets you and your friends drink in the basement.  Guess who we’re siding with in the divorce?  Yeah, Cool Dad.

Reeves Nelson used to be that kid with the weird name who got kicked off the team presumably for not being European.*  Turns out he’s Tyler Fucking Durden starting fight clubs left and right and pissing on people.  Pissing!  He’s Judd Nelson from Breakfast club!**  Sure you don’t want him to mess with you, but you totally go to his party.  HE’S KEVIN CORRIGAN FROM SUPERBAD!  They are the Delta House of college basketball.  Sure no one has any faith in them, sure they are idiots, sure they are drunks, but they will drive a car into your parade and bang your wife.

*A necessary trait for a tall white guy to make the NBA.  

**Yeah, I equated Tyler Durden with John Bender.  Face it, Bender’s probably going to show random people his penis and blow up a building too.

UCLA is like the Harlem Globetrotters only replace the stupid whistling and half court shots with solo cups and dick measuring contests. What’s better than baseball?  Beer league.  What’s better than football?  NFL Blitz and a 30.  What’s better than hockey?  Kicking in a stranger’s teeth without having that whole “game” to deal with.*

*Go BU!

Can’t wait to see UCLA lose a buzzer beater because they are all doing keg stands.  College basketball, ladies and gentlemen, college.

Doesn't say "enslave Jews and have them build stuff" anywhere.

THE MADNESS: NATION DECIDING WHICH NCAA TEAM IT ALWAYS LIKED

2 days away from March and the entire nation is deciding which NCAA Men’s Basketball team it wants to win it all.  Thousands of fans are clamoring through hours of analysis and blogs to find out which team they have liked all season.

“The rush is the best part,” says physician Gregory Tolley.  “Working for hours on end finding out which team I always knew would win it all and can tell my friends, it’s thrilling!”

If this is the reason we get nuked I would've totally predicted it

Fans gather around, throw their ten bucks in one of their uncles’ hats, then spend hours listening to the teams other people think are great and remind their friends that they said in October this team would win.

Is it Wichita State?  Which according to experts has a chance to crack the Final Four, as I have said all along.

Or Harvard?  Who will ride Linsanity like smallbox goes through indigenous villages.

Or will the big dogs Kentucky, Syracuse and Kansas go all the way?  Gathering many new fans who always “hated them but had a feeling this year”?

Or less big dogs Baylor, Florida and UNLV?  Gathering many new fans who always “hated them but this is a good team”?

The Madness begins.