New York Mets personnel are frantically trying to stop Mets players from killing themselves. Knuckleballer and default ace R.A. Dickey announced he was going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro this offseason; however, he told teammates he intended to jump off once he gets to the top. “My entire Mets career has been one daredevil stunt after another. Honestly, merely walking on to the mound at Citifield seemed like a death sentence.”
Dickey’s stunt is not an isolated incident. David Wright has been seen in starting fights in biker bars along the New Jersey Turnpike and Route 22. The former All Star hopes a good maiming will derail his Mets career forever. “The past two seasons I have been experimenting with drugs and juggling knives in the locker room. And all I did was drop off a few home runs? Time to get drastic.” Many Mets players claimed new Marlins shortstop Jose Reyes used to put forks in electrical sockets “every chance he got.” The Marlins report no such problems.
R.A. Dickey searching for snakes to "lather up in"
Mets officials reached pitcher Johan Santana‘s home only to have the former Cy Young winner run away from them attempting to light himself on fire. Sanatana, who has carried lighter fluid with him at all times since joining the Amazins’, claims he misplaced the fluid must have been replaced with regular water by someone else. Team officials tackeld the pitcher and brutally beat him into submission to save him from himself. When Johan woke up in the hospital, he was told he had a torn MCL and ACL.
The Mets expect the injury to “heal up in 3 to 4 days!”
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